If My Heart Was A House
by Mystic83
Summary: Jude Harrison and Tommy Quincy are both searching to figure out who and what they're supposed to be, but the farther apart they are, the harder it is to find home.
1. No Air

"This is complete crap, Quincy."

The words flew out of her mouth without warning and, even though Tommy Quincy knew better, he felt his heart flip a little bit at the familiar ring of them. He never would have guessed those words would not only become so familiar but would be such a pleasure to hear. Then again he had never seen Jude Harrison coming before she blindsided him like a freight train. Who would have guessed a fifteen-year-old girl with flaming red hair and a complete innocence coupled with a drive that matched his own would determine his whole world for over four years now? When she had berated his career and his talent that very first day, he never would have known she was it.

The One, capital letters and all.

"Quincy?"

Tommy pulled himself away from this dangerous train of thought and looked up at his artist. "Sorry, Hails. Try it again but without over singing the hook."

Hailey Adams glared at him from behind the glass before smiling and proceeding to over sing the hell out of everything but the hook.

Tommy winced. He had thought Jude was a handful but Hailey put new meaning in that word. He could still remember the day that Darius had shoved Hailey into his life.

Darius had sent out one of his ominous summons for Tommy to come to his office. Tommy had never seen such a wide smile on Darius's face. It was a smile as if Tommy had just made him another million dollars which might not have been far from the truth. The remix of Jude's third album has already gone gold and was getting closer to platinum each day.

"What's up, D?"

Darius leaned back in his chair and his smile slowly dissipated. "Why are you here?"

Tommy looked around in confusion. "I thought I was here to do my job, the job you contracted me to do for the next two and half years."

"Which is what? Because all I've seen or heard from you in the past few months is- oh wait. I haven't seen or heard anything."

"I do the work. I don't create the work."

Darius shook his head. "I can remember when you did. You were constantly trying to get anyone with a label to sign one of your up and coming artists. That was then, though." Darius didn't need to say it out loud for both of them know what he was really speaking of.

"We are not discussing this." Tommy said, standing up from his chair. He was not talking about her. Not now. Not ever.

"We won't discuss it, not now, but we do need to discuss what's next for you." Darius stood up from his desk, and motioning for Tommy to follow, walked out of the room.

Tommy wasn't surprised when they stopped in front of Studio A. It had taken Darius longer than he thought to realize that Tommy hadn't produced anything. It was only a matter of time before another artist was shoved upon him.

"So who desperately needs my… help…" Tommy's voice trailed off as he set his sights on the young woman currently belting her way through White Lines. "Jude…"

Everything inside of him knew that it wasn't Jude, couldn't be Jude, but he still felt all his breath rush out his body. It was all there, the sparkle in the eye, the bright red hair, the untouched quality in every ounce of her being. This was the Jude he had first fell in love with when he wouldn't even allow himself to think the word.

"Tom Quincy, meet Hailey Adams, the new rising star of G Major."

"No," Tommy said, shaking his head and taking a step away from the glass. "No way."

"This isn't a discussion." Darius gave one more meaningful look before leaving Tommy alone in the producer's booth.

Tommy let himself sink into the couch at the back of the booth, closing his eyes and just letting the words of White Lines wash over him. He could still remember the moment when Jude confessed that it was about him. It was in that moment that he knew it was finally okay to let everything he was fighting turn into everything he was waiting for.

White Lines was the moment where he knew that it was not the situation nor the excitement of moment. It was this one particular, brilliant woman who made his very earth move. It was Jude.

He had gotten a lot of flack from his friends throughout the years about falling in love with his artist. Not only was it cliché for a producer to have a relationship with their artist, but he had to fall in love with his fifteen-year-old artist and then wait three years so as not to seem like a complete creep.

It was almost refreshing to feel himself back in the same exact situation and know that he had the chance to prove that it was something extraordinary that happened with Jude. He wasn't some creepy guy who fell in love with fifteen-year-old girls. He was a guy who fell in love with one particular fifteen-year-old girl who was special.

As the last few lines of the song came a close, Tommy sighed and stood up from his seat. The young girl looking at him through the window was not Jude and she would never be, but that didn't mean he was able to walk away. She was not Jude but she could be the one that helps him prove that his heart was right to think what he had with Jude was special.

Tommy strode into Darius's office, ignoring the intern who started to explain that Mr. Mills was in a meeting. He marched straight up to the large desk in the middle of the room and crossed his arms. "I have one condition."

"Excuse us for a moment," Darius said to the man sitting in front of him. He placed his hand on Tommy's back and guided him back out of the office. "You don't set conditions, Quincy. I set conditions and you follow conditions."

"No White Lines," Tommy said, ignoring Darius completely. "No Waste My Time. No Don't You Dare. No Ultraviolet."

Darius held his hand up to interrupt Tommy. He figured his producer would probably continue for the next few minutes if he didn't. "I get it. No Jude."

Tommy nodded. "I don't even want to hear one bar of her music."

Darius smiled. This was a condition he could handle. No covers of Jude Harrison's songs and in exchange his best producer would be on his A game. Darius held out his hand to Tommy. "Okay. We are in business."

Tommy shook his boss's hand, one hundred percent certain that he was both doing what he had to do and making an impossibly big mistake. For something he had just made certain would specifically not be about Jude, it sure felt like it was all about Jude.

"Quincy? Are you even listening?"

Hailey's voice snapped Tommy back to the present. She was staring at him with a really angry look. When she saw he was finally paying attention, she narrowed her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Just tell me what I have to do to get you to focus today."

Tommy leaned over and pressed the intercom button. "Singing the song like I told you to would be a great start."

Hailey's mood immediately shifted as she realized that she did have her producer's attention. Giving him a wink, she launched into yet another over-the-top version of what was going to be her first single.

"Seems like you have your hands full with that one."

Tommy turned to smile at the blond woman standing in the doorway. "This is nothing compared to what I took on when it was the Harrison sisters."

Sadie laughed and took a seat next to Tommy. "How are things, Tommy?"

"Are we really going to have this conversation, Sade?"

"Yes, we are. I'm worried about you. We see each other practically every day and you haven't even asked how she is."

"That's because I don't care. Jude wanted to do this on her own. She wanted the life of a rock star without the crutch so I let her go. It's as simple as that."

Hailey's song filled up the silence between them as Tommy tried his hardest to concentrate on everything but the woman sitting beside him. There was a reason why he hadn't spoken about what happened, especially with Jude's older sister. He didn't need this right now. Not when most of his day was spent fighting to push down the anger and just take one more breath.

Sadie reached out and gently rested her hand on his arm. "You don't have to put on the show for me."

Tommy leaped out of his chair. He could hear Hailey stop singing as she watched her usually calm, cool, and collected producer have a full out breakdown. "What the hell do you want me to say, Sadie? That she broke my heart into a million pieces? That I think about her every damn second of the day? That I still am so madly in love with her that even the mention of her name makes me want to punch anything that's near me?" He paused to take a deep breath. "None of that matters anymore. What matters is that I chose to be with her and she chose to leave me behind. My whole world revolved around her so much that I was blind. While I was busy trying to fit her into my life, she was trying to figure out how to get me out of hers. Every day, I wonder why it took me so long to admit how much I needed her…" Tommy voice's faltered for a moment as he felt himself slipping away again. Shaking his head, he looked Sadie in the eyes. "Maybe if I had figured it out sooner, it would have been enough for her."

"Stop it, Tommy. No one's too blame for what happened."

"That's complete bullshit," Tommy yelled. "There's always someone to blame no matter what happened." A small smile flickered across Tommy's lips and he turned to look at Sadie. "You know I never let myself think I was good enough for her, not once in all those years. So it really wasn't much of a surprise when she realized what an idiotic move it would be to marry me."

Sadie stared at Tommy as he sank back down in his chair and rested his head in his hands. Sighing, she leaned over him and spoke into the intercom. "Take five for me Hailey."

"I'll take twenty," Hailey yelled back before rushing into the chaos that was G Major.

Tommy waited for Sadie to tell him how sad and pathetic he was being right now, but the words never came. She just put her hand on top of his and waited.

"Do you know what the saddest part is?" Tommy asked. "It takes all the strength I have to keep myself from walking away from everything I have here and jumping on the next flight to London. She wanted me out of her life, but it's not as easy as I thought it would be. All I want in the world is to hear her sing one more time. She may hate me right now. She may never want to see me again. I know there's been times since she left when I felt like that. Even then, even when I was furious at her, all I could think about was hearing her voice." He let his head drift back down into his hands.

"That's why I'm here, Tommy," Sadie said, reaching into the bag she had placed by her feet when she sat down. "I thought you should have this."

Tommy only had to hear the soft click as plastic hit wood to know what Sadie was giving him. Jude's face stared back at him from the cover of her fourth album. "That was fast."

"The new label wanted her to assert her presence right away and it seems like she had a lot of songs that wanted to come out. She's happy, Tommy."

"Good," Tommy said with a nod. He let his index finger drag along the contours of her face. "That's what this was all about, right? Her living life and figuring out how to be happy?"

"She misses you," Sadie continued. "She won't say it, but she does."

Tommy smiled. "You don't have to lie to me, Sadie. I lived that lifestyle once. There is no room for missing the people that hold you back."

Sadie smiled. "You're wrong as always, Tommy. You'll see that in time."

Tommy continued to stare at the CD until well after Sadie had left the booth. He had an album to produce. He didn't have time to deal with this.

By the time Hailey returned to the studio, the CD was out of sight and mostly out of mind.

"Let's try this again, but slow down the tempo a few notches," Tommy said with a sigh.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Please visit the homepage in my profile if you want to view the fanmix I made to represent Jude's fourth studio album... It's connected to the post for chapter one.**


	2. Sleeping To Dream

Jude felt her mouth open in a huge yawn as she slowly woke up. The way that sunlight streamed in to wake her up while also warming her up was one of the things she loved most about her flat. She had been in Notting Hill for over six months and it still felt like a perfect dream. Turning over in the bed, Jude's hand hit the empty pillow beside her.

"Make that almost perfect," she mumbled, scrunching her eyes. The sunlight suddenly didn't seem so refreshing.

She hated that she missed him this much.

Her mind immediately wandered down the path of what ifs. She imagined what her life would have been like if she had chosen the other road. She would be waking up a completely different person with a completely different name. Jude Dutoit. Despite everything, it had a ring to it that she couldn't help but love.

Tightening her hand around the pillow next to her, Jude tried to force herself back to sleep. She wouldn't be having these thoughts if she were asleep. Her hand ran up and down the pillow. He had never slept there but she still felt his warmth in her memory.

Jude was just starting to believe that she could put off her studio work until the afternoon and catch a few more hours of unconsciousness when her cell phone beeped loudly. She almost knocked out the lamp on her nightstand but eventually her hand grasped the phone.

She groaned as she saw the nagging text from her producer. "No sleeping in for you, Harrison."

Grumbling to herself, Jude rolled out of bed and stumbled her way down the stairs to the kitchen. She had always needed at least two cups of coffee if she was expected to accomplish anything worthwhile in the studio. These days it was even worse. She couldn't even pretend like she didn't know why.

Pot after pot of coffee hadn't been a necessity when she was recording on the other side of the pond, not when she had Tommy Q. There was always something indescribably exhilarating about writing a song with Tommy which had nothing to do with how much she loved him. Before the Instant Star competition, she would spend days writing a song and then months revising it. With Tommy, she could compose and revise a song in the matter of a day. What they had just came naturally.

Jude picked up her cell phone off the counter and punched in the voicemail. She had four messages. Two were from her producer reminding her that they needed an early start if they were going to get anywhere and declaring he would know if she even thought about blowing him off. The third message was from Jamie who had never really gotten a handle on the time difference. He rambled on for about ten minutes about some new artist he was close to signing. The last message was from her sister. Jude sighed and sat down at the counter, preparing to listen to Sadie and already knowing she wasn't going to like what she heard.

"I'm not going to tiptoe around why I called, Jude. You need to talk to him. He's producing again but I'm worried. You know that I've never been a fan of how Tommy hurt you over and over again but it's taken me this long to really see that he's been hurting, too. You went from getting married to different continents without really explaining why. I get that you needed to do this on your own, but you left it unfinished. He needs to know why it had to be so final. Not knowing is wearing him down. It's not the same here without you. He's not the same. You need to fix this before it's too late." Sadie paused for a second and then she sighed loudly. "It's like what Dad used to say. You can make mistakes as long as you're willing to take the time to fix them. You have to fix this, Jude, for both of your sakes. Call me back when you're not recording."

Frustrated, Jude slammed her coffee mug down and stomped back up the stairs. She was so tired of Sadie always meddling in her life. Her sister thought she knew what was best, and it completely infuriated Jude that her sister was usually right.

Sadie had never been right before when it came to Tommy. Whatever message Jude's heart gave her, you could bet that Sadie was telling her the opposite. Jude seemed so willing to be hurt by Tommy time and again, and no matter how much she tried to explain what she loved him so much, it was never enough for Sadie. Her big sister could never justify supporting the relationship.

So it made sense that the second that Jude decided to agree with Sadie, her sister went and changed her mind. Jude wondered what had really happened to make Sadie do a one-eighty. A small part of her wondered just how bad Tommy was to make Sadie so concerned.

Jude heard her cell phone beep and looked down to see another angry message from her producer. Sighing, she got to her feet. She needed two things right now, a shower and no more thoughts about her ex-boyfriend.

Jude shook her head as she stepped into the bathroom. She wasn't quite sure if she could classify Tommy as her ex-boyfriend. Or was it ex-fiancé? Classification and Tommy Quincy did not go together. For starters, she wasn't even sure if there was a 'you and me' or a 'we' between them anymore. She had made lots of stupid mistakes in her career as a recording artist but nothing beat that final concert in Toronto. She had broken off their engagement and made it clear she was moving to London on her own, and she had done it all on stage during a performance with thousands of people witnessing.

Looking back, she could see that she took the easy way out even though it broke her heart. She should have made the fans wait so that she could explain to Tommy why she wanted to do this on her own. She would have, too, if the excitement in his eyes hadn't overwhelmed her. She couldn't find the courage to say those hurtful words. She couldn't bear to see the happiness in his eyes fade away so she let her music do the talking. She was a coward and because of that, since that day she hadn't spoken one word to the man who could have been the love of her life.

Sometimes she let herself imagine how things could be different if she had simply been brave enough to voice her concerns. What if she had told him it couldn't wait until later? What if she had made herself forget how embarrassing it was and they just hashed out their problems right there in the wings of the concert hall?

She knew that he would have understood. Tommy always understood. He would have insisted that she go to London. He would have promised to visit as often as he could. He would have offered to let her live her own life for awhile.

She never gave him the opportunity.

Jude grumbled at herself and her stupid thoughts. She was so tired of this.

Throwing on the nearest pair of pants and t-shirt, Jude tried to shove every thought out of her head. She needed to focus on the music. The record label was already asking about some demo tracks for what could be her fifth album. If the tracks went down well, she would be getting a contract with complete artistic freedom.

Jude grabbed a helmet and her keys off the front table and walked out the door. Her heart did a little flip, as always, when she saw the classic motorcycle waiting in front of her flat. She had spent hours with Tommy fixing up this bike. At the time, they had used motorcycles as a pretense for repairing their friendship. It had gone so well that, with the addition of a psycho stalker fan, they not only repaired their friendship but they also let themselves fall back in love.

The bike roared away from the curb and for the millionth time that day, Jude tried to shove the mess in her head to the side and just enjoy the air breezing past her.

She actually managed to do it for most of the ride this time, and before she knew it, her bike was pulling up outside Bermanze Records.

"Thanks, Greg," Jude said with a smile, handing her keys to the young man outside the front door. She still wasn't used to a life where you didn't have to park your car because someone was paid to do it for you. At G Major, she used to spend hours searching for a parking space and then always let herself in by the alley door. There were alleys at Bermanze but an artist would never dream of having a use for them.

Jude waited patiently for the elevator to take her up to the fifth floor where the recording studios were located. She needed to fine tune the song she was currently angling as her first UK single. On top of that, Nicola wanted her to showcase at least half of her album at the next big studio soiree. Things were still very up in the air for her at London which was completely terrifying. The record company loved her album but weren't sure at this point if they wanted to commit to her long term.

That was the whole reason Jude was working almost as hard as the first year she was on the G Major label. Just like then, she was being rented out to whoever bid on her. She played parties and benefits, street concerts and big galas, acoustic sets in pubs and opening acts at the big venues. Nicola had fought hard to get her the assignment of being the background entertainment at Bermanze's spring showcase. Jude knew she needed to bring her A game when it was time to sing her songs amidst all the covers she'd be required to sing. Important people would be listening.

"Bee!"

Jude smiled to herself as she felt a smack on the back and was shoved through the open elevator door. She turned to look at Carlee Burke, the closest person to a friend she had right now. The two of them had met at four in the morning in the Bermanze studios when Jude was mixing the sixth track on her album and Carlee was desperately trying to come up with a catchy hook to what should be her break-through single. They bonded over mutual creativity.

It was as the sun came up on that first night that Carlee uttered the words 'Hey Jude' and the nickname was born. Jude was just eternally grateful that she had gotten Carlee to shorten it from Beatle to just Bee.

"Watch where you're shoving me," Jude hissed as she almost took out two very important looking people in business suits. "Sorry."

"I'm not," Carlee said, leaning against the back wall of the elevator.

Jude rolled her eyes. Carlee was still going for the tough as nails, don't care about anyone but myself image even though she hadn't built up the fan base to support that kind of rudeness.

"We still meeting up after my show tonight? The boys in my band keep nagging me. I think they have major crushes."

"Tell them they don't have a chance but I'll be there anyway," Jude confirmed. "So what brings you to the studio this early?"

"Production meeting," Carlee said, pushing herself forward to press eight. "I see you brought your motorcycle."

"Don't start."

"I'm sorry, Jude. Motorcycles are going to hurt your image with the VIPs here. They'll think that you're too hard for what they want and you'll be dropped."

"Nicola recruited me because of my image. She didn't seem to have a problem with my riding a motorcycle."

"She recruited you because you're blond and cute and could have a semi-decent voice if you listened to what you're told instead of insisting that some ex-boy band member masquerading as a producer knows everything there is to know about how to have a successful career. See how there was no mention of being a biker chick in that?"

Jude rolled her eyes. Carlee was a pretty interesting person to know, but she was also infuriating whenever she got on her "you're not good enough" kicks. It was just the nature of the record business though. You can't be the best when your competition thinks they are. "See you later," Jude said through gritted teeth, stepping out onto the fifth floor.

Sometimes she really hated this life.

Jude found where she had stashed her guitar the night before and kept moving until she reached Studio G. It was the most underused studio but her favorite by far. Bermanze liked to utilize it when they called artists in to record short underground demos. There was only enough room for a piano, a mike, and a guitar. The only opening to the outside room was a glass window the size of a doorway that looked into the back of Studio F.

Jude frequently used the tiny Studio G for the initial stages in writing a new song. She liked to be by herself during the "sensitive" moments of the process.

It was also where she went when she didn't want to be found. That seemed to be more often than not since she came to London. She was trying hard to fit in with this new world and make it all work, but she never realized it would be this hard. Tommy had said multiple times that she need to cut the cord between them, and Jude understood what he meant at the time. She need to stand on her own two feet now so that somewhere down the line when she had to, she would be confident that she could do it.

Jude found herself going back to that day on the front steps of her house when she told Tommy she wanted to co-produce her third album. He had wanted her to give them some distance but in that moment, he looked almost petrified when he thought she was firing him as a producer. Now she understood why.

A team like the two of them was pretty rare in the music industry. No one got her quite like Tommy did so it was really hard to learn how to work with a different production team.

Letting out a deep breath, Jude set her guitar case down and took a seat at the piano, playing the first few measures of her favorite song off the album. She had written it during the beginning weeks she was in London when every fiber of her being wanted to pick up the phone and call Tommy. She desperately wanted to apologize and beg him to rewind the clock. She wanted to ask for her little gold twisty ring and that moment back again, but she knew that she wouldn't. She couldn't.

This song had practically spilled from her fingertips.

Jude groaned in frustration as the sounds from the piano came out completely wrong. She could play this song in her sleep. In fact, she could have sworn she had played it in her sleep a few times. Now there was just something wrong with it. It wasn't the emotions. She still felt the heartache just as strong as she had the day she wrote about it.

"Concentrate, Harrison," she whispered to herself. "Just let yourself go."

She shook out her hands and, when that didn't work, pounded them down onto the keys. Maybe she was still too distant from the music. She pulled her guitar out of the case, pausing only slightly before deciding to leave the guitar pick behind.

Her fingers could feel the abrasiveness of the guitar strings despite her calluses. The strumming took on a life of its own as she let herself flow. Maybe her mind didn't want her heart to feel this song right now. Maybe she just needed to relax and play whatever came to mind. The notes took out a familiar feel as a different song came together in her head.

She had just started humming the first few lines when a voice interrupted her. "Really, Jude?"

Jude's eyes flew open to rest on her producer. "Max. I didn't realize you'd be in the booth this early."

"I wasn't planning it, but it's not everyday you walk down the hall to hear "Pick Up the Pieces" radiating down the hall. Next time you feel the need to play Boyz Attack, can you make sure you shut the door behind you?"

Jude looked over to see that the door was indeed cracked a little. She turned back to Max. "Should I be embarrassed?"

Max shook his head. "I think I was the only one who heard you. You're lucky that I understand the long and tragic history of you and Little Tommy Q. Otherwise you might be looking for a new producer."

"It's an under-rated song," Jude grumbled, knowing that it was kind of hypocritical to defend a song she both loved and hated.

"Don't start lecturing me on that formulaic, cookie cutter song and how it was simply a bad arrangement of good lyrics."

Jude nodded, pushing her guitar to the side. It was usually better to just let these things go when Max got this fired up. "So what's on the agenda for today, oh fearless producer?"

"You are going to play until all the kinks are worked out of your single. We need you ready to hit a home run with it on Saturday."

Jude nodded and started in on her song. Max threw out a suggestion or adjustment every once in awhile, but it was mostly her fighting her way through the song again and again. Finally, after about an hour and a half, she got the whole way through and was actually satisfied with how it went.

"That was it, Maxie!" she yelled, hopping off her stool and doing a little dance of joy.

"Sit down, Jude. We have six more tracks to polish."

She let out a groan and planted herself back on the stool. The chords of the next song fell off her guitar as she looked over at where Max sat in the window. He had already turned his attention to the other people in the adjoining studio.

Max Antonelli had been assigned to her by Bermanze because he was so similar to Tommy. He had had a brief love affair with British charts in the beginning of the decade and then scratched and clawed his way up to being a credible producer. There was at least one tabloid rumor a week about his escapades and Jude was fairly certain that Max was currently dating Bermanze's number one artist and the artist's twin sister and about half a dozen other employees in the company. He rivaled Tommy in his hey-day in terms of broken hearts and bad boy escapades.

Contrary to his public image, Max was a fabulous producer and knew when to cut the crap. He pushed her to go to new places as an artist. They had a great creative working relationship. Things would be perfect except for one thing.

He wasn't the producer for her. There was really only one producer that she could work with and get the kind of music she was striving for. Too bad she had left him behind on a different continent.

For that reason alone, Max was attached to her fourth album only in name. She had done all of the recording, adjustments, and mixing on her own. He was simply there because no one believed that Jude Harrison was ready to produce her own album after the disaster that was the release of her initial third album. Max was kind of like insurance for a natural disaster, always there in case you need it but most people never do.

Jude preferred it that way. It was a lot easier to force her feelings into the music if someone wasn't devaluing them and asking her to try something else. She knew that her fourth album was going to be a bit of a cathartic experience, but at times it had gotten rather brutal.

Max had been helpful on those days when she got lost in her guilt and regret. He helped remind her why she had chosen to move across the ocean in the first place.

As much as she appreciated him, Jude was never so grateful as the day she realized she loved Max but was immune to his charms. She knew that she could not fall in love with another one of her producers or it would be bye-bye rockstar music career and hello coffee shop singer. No one would take her seriously as an artist if she was that emotionally unstable.

Still, it made her heart hurt a little to know that Tommy had been special. It wasn't just the chaos of recording album after album that drummed up such strong feelings between them. It had been love for lack of a better word.

"Pull your head out of whatever depressingly sad gutter you have it in, Jude."

Jude stopped strumming the guitar and gave Max a shrug. It was going to be a long day.


	3. Come On Get Higher

Tommy sat down in front of the piano in his studio at G Major. It had been weeks, even months, since he had been able to do this. Hailey's album had him staring at mixing boards for at least ten hours each day. She was a talented kid but she also happened to be the kind of artist whose voice did not translate well to the post-recording part of the process.

He had expressed his concern to Hailey a few times about how intensely he had to work to make her sound the way she wanted to. She shrugged off all his encouragements to consider going for a more natural, less forced kind of sound. Hailey wanted to be, in her own words, "a rock goddess". Rock goddesses sang rock songs, nothing more, nothing less.

Tommy pressed down lightly on the piano keys, trying to leave his concerns for his artist behind for just a moment, and the minor chord rang through the studio. He was glad that he demanded his own studio space from Darius. It was nice to not have to reset his work when he was done for the day, and he had access to the instruments he trusted whenever he wanted.

The soft click of the rings on his fingers dancing along the keys filled the studio just as much as the sound of the music itself. Tommy always forgot how much he need this. He was a damn fine producer but he was really a musician first and foremost.

There were no words to the song he was playing. He just couldn't get himself to define and limit the music by trying to express the feelings in concrete lyrics. The song had been composed slowly and meticulously as he worked hard to submerge himself back into his old G Major life without the one person who meant the most to him. It was light in the verses and heavy at the bridge, a kind of ringing contradiction. It had been the hardest song he had ever written which was probably why he considered it his best. The notes of the chorus hung in the air long after his hands moved on to the next section.

"Wow, Quincy. You've been holding back."

Tommy cut off the song and looked up to see Hailey sitting on the table across the booth. She was over accessorized and underdressed as always. "Not really," he replied. His mind was already trying to figure out how he could convince Hailey to sit down for a image consultation.

"Yes really. What the heck was that?"

"It's a song I've been writing."

"You can do that?"

Tommy smiled his annoyance right back at her. "Yes, I am capable of writing songs. Just because I haven't written any on your album doesn't mean I'm not capable."

Hailey got up and moved to sit on the piano bench with her producer. "Then why haven't you? Written me songs, that is It would help a lot if I could say you were attached to my album even more than you already are."

"That's why," Tommy said, taking a deep breath and slouching back on the seat. "I want the fame you get to be because you're talented and people want to hear your music. Getting you farther by being the next thing to emerge from the Little Tommy Q hype isn't worth it."

Hailey sighed. Tommy had been giving her this message since day one, but she still didn't understand how only a certain type of fame and success was worth it in his opinion. She'd take anything and everything she could get. "So that song…"

"Is private," Tommy said abruptly, making Hailey jump. She was confused. He sounded offended. She was pretty sure she hadn't been talking to him long enough to offend him yet. That usually came later on in the conversation.

"Okay. So this insanely private song?" she started, deciding to go her usual smart ass route of defusing the tension. Her words died out almost immediately as she caught sight of the title written at the top of the worn composition book her producer was using. Tommy watched her face lit up as everything finally clicked into place. "Oh crap. This song, it's about Jude Harrison, the Instant Star and one time prodigy of G Major, isn't it?"

"It's named after the best recording artist I have ever met," Tommy corrected, absentmindedly pressing a few keys.

Hailey seemed oblivious to his discomfort. "Are you really pining after your old artist, Quincy? That is twisted even for you."

Tommy sighed. He should be glad that it had taken months for this conversation to happen. Darius had really meant it when he said Jude would not be discussed or dissected by anyone at G Major. It had given Tommy the little bit of privacy he needed to be an asset to the G Major team and also let him figure out how he was going to face the questions and explanations that would inevitably come. "Whatever you're thinking, don't. We could sit her for days while I explained what Jude meant to me, but that would really cut into the time we need to spend discussing where your album is at right now and figuring out this new single of yours."

"Did you hear that it broke into the top 100?"

"Domestically. We need to focus and refine so that we can get your single and your album into some international charts. You still want to shoot for the big picture, right?"

"Actually that's why I came in here." A nervous look flashed across Hailey's face. "Darius called in some favors and has me booked for some sort of small club tour in the UK. He think my sound will translate well because of the current sound happening over there. It's mostly England with a few dates in Scotland and Wales. Darius even secured a few dates at the more popular venues in London, but the only problem with that is he had to scramble to make it happen. So there were some compromises made to get me the bookings. Compromises like how soon the venues could fit me in which is why I'm leaving in a few hours. Tour starts tomorrow."

Tommy knew he should be surprised, but he really wasn't. When Darius started seeing potential money signs, it was usually full steam ahead. "Being on a different continent is really going to hamper the work on your album."

Hailey looked down at her hands for a moment and then back up at Tommy. "You could come with me, you know. Then my album won't suffer."

"Hails…"

"Don't start, Quincy. It's not like that. I just think getting out of this stuffy studio will be good for you. This is about the only place I've ever seen you be since the day we met. You need to start getting out there and living a life that doesn't center around a small glass box. The change of scenery will do my album good. Isn't that what you're always telling me? That I have to be prepared to do whatever it takes to make my album great?"

"And you think dragging your producer to the other half of the world is what your album needs to be great?"

"Yes, I do."

For a second, Tommy let himself imagine what would happen if he did go with Hailey. The fantasy of being able to see Jude again quickly turned into a nightmare as he imagined how angry she would be with him. She had never asked for much from him. It would be selfish to deny her this little bit of time on her own. Tommy shook his head and stood up from the piano. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"You're such a hypocrite," Hailey screamed and punch Tommy soundly on the shoulder before storming from the room."And you're naïve!" Tommy shouted after her, rubbing his now throbbing shoulder. He kept forgetting that this was Hailey Adams' first real adventure into the music business. She wasn't all jaded and hard like him yet. He could feel the guilt start to immediately rise up inside of him. He suddenly had the desperate urge to punch something. "You owe that girl an explanation about why you really can't go to London," he muttered to himself. How had he gotten himself back into the business of handling the hurt feelings of little girls?

A voice in the back of his head reminded him, first and foremost, that Hailey was not a little girl. She was eighteen years old. As he knew from experience, that number made all the difference.

Second, Hailey was not Jude. She wasn't particularly strong or resilient like Jude despite her bravado. She was definitely not as persistent. If he hurt Hailey's feelings, she would pout for days and wait for him to come to her to repair their relationship. Jude would shove his mistakes right in his face and make him deal with it. She wouldn't let him take the easy way out or at least she would do her damnedest to make the easy way turn into the hardest way imaginable. Yet recording with Jude, producing Jude, anything with Jude, was the easiest thing he had ever done. She worked with him in a way that was almost freeing. With Hailey, he had to fight tooth and nail to make her understand what he was talking about and when she did finally understand, she insisted they not go in that direction. Hailey was a headache but never in the way that Jude was.

He wouldn't change one single thing about Jude.

Tommy's hands clunked on the keyboard. He knew Jude Harrison better than anyone in the world. That was why he was so pissed right now. She thought she needed to stand on her own two feet for once and she was right. That was a part of growing up that she had to do. Where she made the wrong turn was in how lonely she was forcing herself to be. She never had to go this extreme to figure out what she wanted. He would have been fine if she didn't think it was a good idea for him to go to London with her. He could handle if she thought they were moving to fast by getting engaged. He could understand all of that, and as hard as it would have been, he would have continued to support her from thousands of miles away.

"You need to tell her that, Quincy," Tommy whispered to himself, getting to his feet.

It seemed he was finally ready to admit to being a complete coward about pretty much everything these past few months. He knew what he had to do, but he was scared to do it. All of it had been apparent to him since the week after Jude had left. No matter how much he ignored it, he was miserable, and if Sadie was to be believed, everything wasn't perfect in Jude's world, either.

It was suddenly clear to him. He was a miserable, gutless coward who was torturing himself for no good reason, and now it was finally time to start changing that.

He needed to start taking his life back.

Hailey looked shocked when he tracked her down in the lounge area. Usually he let her pout for longer than this before swooping in to save the day. "What the hell do you want, Quincy?"

Tommy smiled and held up his hands in surrender. "I'm coming with you."

Hailey's mouth dropped. Tommy Quincy was the most reliably stubborn man she had ever met. He had never made a complete 180, mind-changing, opinion-shifting decision like this the whole time she had known him. Despite that, she was too excited to hold back and ran over to yank him into a hug. "Why the change of mind?"

"It doesn't matter why. I just am."

"Did Darius approve it?" Hailey saw a little bit of the sparkle leave Tommy's eyes and she realized he hadn't thought about running it by the big man.

"Darius's approval doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't. He's the man with the plan and a bank account with a million zeros. No official G Major approval, no trip. You know that."

"I do," Tommy agreed, "but trust me. He won't say no. Not when I tell him what I can offer him." Hailey continued to stare in awe as Tommy left just as abruptly as he came.

Since no one was around to protest, Tommy let himself into Darius's office and was surprised to find it empty, almost deserted. He could count the days on one hand that G Major was running at full blast without their captain at the helm. Darius liked to have a say in everything that happened at his label. From the selection of sandwiches for lunch to the final cut of an album, Big D knew what was going down and when it was going down.

Tommy let himself drift over to the gold record sitting framed right behind Darius's desk. His fingertips drifted along the contours of Jude's face on the cover photo of her third album. This was the first time he actually allowed himself to look at it, and just as he thought, it hurt like hell.

His mind relieved the days when he and Jude were composing and mixing the album. They had fallen in love hard, fast, and deeply. Those songs made up the first two thirds of the album. The last third had a much more worn-out feel to them. Tommy had broken her heart into too many pieces to count because he thought it was better to make her unhappy now rather than sentence her to living a troubled life with a train wreck like him.

Tom Dutoit did not deserve a girl like Jude Harrison. He wasn't the kind of man who knew how to care for anyone but himself. Jude grew up in happy family and, as much as the record industry had dealt her some hard knocks, she didn't understand how horrible life could really be. She didn't understand that sometimes you had to beg for food if you wanted to eat that week or occasionally it was more important to keep the police out of your house rather than worry if you're going to be safe when you go to bed at night.

Tom Dutoit was a survivor to the detriment of everyone around him, but at least he had his pride.

Tommy Quincy was a complete failure at life.

"Stop being pathetic," Tommy whispered to himself while still staring at the gold record. He had one of these at home. At least, he thought he did. The record company had sent him a well-packed container a few days after the news of the album going gold. He hadn't had the heart to open it.

Tommy smiled as he remembered the bonus track that Jude and he fought over. She told him she needed the basement song on the album. He understood that it was a great song and that it meant a lot to her because it was about him, but the more he thought about it, the more worried he got. If they put a song that was written for a stalker onto the album, it would be glorifying the act that lead to the song's creation. Tommy was scared it would give other psychos an open door to try to do the same. The argument ended with Jude telling him to shut the hell up and really listen to the song.

As always, he did exactly what Jude wanted.

It was in hearing the song that he realized why she wanted it on the album. 2AM was a sort of closure to the album of their relationship. It wasn't just about the struggle to move on from a relationship that had touched her so deeply she would be forever changed. It was Jude's statement to the world that she would always love him no matter what. It was the sole reason they both found the courage to admit that they needed each other more than anything in the world.

It was why he finally let himself open up to love and accept that he deserved to be happy. He deserved to have Jude in his life.

And then she ripped the heart he had just mended right out of his chest.

"Tommy, what the hell do you want?"

Tommy turned to watch as his boss swept into the office. "Bad day, D?"

"I need a hit," Darius said, simplifying an impossibly complex problem. G Major had been in a slump since Darius dropped Jude from the label. They needed a hit. They needed a star. Right now both of those things were in the distant future. G Major was full of potential, but potential never made millions.

"I want to go with Hailey on her tour," Tommy said, steering the conversation back to why he was here.

"Never pegged you for a groupie, T."

"Stop with the bullshit banter and let's get serious. We both know this has nothing to do with Hailey."

"You're not going. No producer should ever tour with their artist." Darius leaned back in his chair. "You'll just get caught up in the feel of the live music and want to change around the whole damn album. You'll become confused and biased and full of yourself and I can't have that right now. So we need to move forward because Hailey Adams is the next big thing."

Tommy shook his head. Darius was wrong and he knew it. Hailey Adams was really good, but she was not good enough to stake the whole company's success on. Tommy knew there was only one person that Darius should take that kind of risk on. Now he just had to convince his boss that he knew more about what G Major needed than the head of the company.

"Did you need anything else?" Darius asked, indicating that not only did he not want an answer, he wanted Tommy to get the hell out.

"I'm going with her, Darius, and I'll tell you why. You need to start turning a major profit in real time. We can't keep collecting on the residuals of the previous hits G Major has produced. You want something new, right?" Darius nodded. "That's your first mistake. We don't need to be looking for something new. You need something old."

"No," Darius said, leaning forward in his chair. He knew where this was going.

"Don't let your pride keep you from doing what you have to. You need something major and we both know that's Jude Harrison. I can get her back, Darius. You just have to put a little trust in me."

"I will not let your love life dictate my livelihood."

Tommy watched in awe as Darius started making phone calls, effectively dismissing his star producer from the room. There was no way Darius could be ignoring an offer to do exactly what he had wanted Tommy to do for months.

Throwing up his hands, Tommy walked out of the office. Darius had made some stupid impulsive choices throughout his career but Tommy didn't think he had ever been so wrong. G Major needed Jude to survive.

"Damn it," Tommy hissed as he realized the whole of the situation. Not only did G Major need Jude to survive but so did he. Damned if he let Darius keep him from her.

Tommy rushed into his studio to grab his leather jacket and the change of clothes he always kept there for emergencies. It felt wrong to be so unprepared when he finally tracked down Jude, but at this point, he didn't care. He just wanted to hear the sound of her voice without it being on pre-recorded tracks.

He was almost out the door when a voice called out to him. "Quincy! Wait up." Hailey skidded to a stop in front of him. "What did Darius say?"

"It doesn't matter. I told you that I'm going and I'm going."

Hailey smirked. "I've never seen you like this, oh producer of mine. I thought you were a cold, unfeeling bastard, but I guess I was wrong." She grabbed his hand and yanked him out the door. "Come on. Let's go get the girl."

Tommy slid into the backseat of the car waiting to take Hailey to the airport. He had never been more certain or more petrified of anything in his life. The car rolled forward, and he let out a deep sigh as his world started to pass him by.

"Quincy, your phone's ringing."

Snapping out of his haze, Tommy reached into his jacket pocket and pulled it out. "I don't care what you have to say, D. I'm on my way to the airport." Silence was his answer and for a second, Tommy thought Darius had hung up.

When it finally came, Darius's answer was brisk but firm. "Bring her back."

The call cut off and Tommy was left staring at the phone in awe.

It was official. He was really doing this.


	4. You And Me

Jude fought the urge to let our a huge scream of joy as the whole room erupted in applause. She had worked really hard to get this kind of recognition. All of those late nights promoting her album and drumming up an international audience were paying off. She had arrived in a bigger way than ever before.

The positive feelings washed over her as Jude watched Nicola and Max step onto the stage. "Thank you all for joining us to celebrate Jude's twentieth birthday," Nicola said. Jude smirked to see that Nicola had plastered her signature superficial, bordering-on-patronizing smile across her face in honor of the crowd. There were a lot of important higher-ups here to celebrate the birth of Bermanze's next big star. "I've been asking myself for about three months now what to get the woman who helped cement my place in the Bermanze family in order to show my appreciation. Each time I thought about it, I came to the realization there was not a whole lot I could offer her that she didn't have."

"That's where I came in," Max interjected. "There is one thing my Jude does not have and it happened to be the one thing that Nicola could make happen."

Jude's brow furrowed in confusion. She had been expecting a new guitar or something similar. Wasn't that the type of gift record companies usually got their artists? The way Nicola and Max were talking, it didn't sound like a Fender or Les Paul in her future.

Nicola's voice jarred her back to reality. "I am pleased to make the official announcement. Bermanze Records would like to extend an invitation to Jude for her to record two more albums in our facilities. We see Jude as the future of our company and would love for her musical genius to stay right here within our walls."

Jude could feel everyone's eyes shift towards where she sat. She desperately tried to keep her mouth from hanging open but she could neither do that nor could she form the words to respond to the offer. Everyone was staring at her, waiting, and her legs was screaming for her to just run away. Her brain was screaming at her that this is what she wanted. Her heart was telling her that if she just sat here and didn't move, maybe the whole thing would go away and she wouldn't have to deal with it. She wouldn't have to make a choice. A little nagging voice in the back of her head asked her what exactly was the choice she had to make. Her life was wonderful in London. Her music was a success. She had a wonderful flat to live in. She had friends. Well, she had "almost" friends seeing as how the reality and fantasy of the music business really didn't produce sound relationships. Her life was as great as it had ever been.

That was what made it so horrible that her heart still felt like she had a choice to make. She was afraid that no matter what she did, no matter what she chose, she would always have a decision to make as long as Tommy was out there somewhere. She would always have regrets.

"No pressure, Jude," Max said, interrupting her thoughts and yanking her back to reality. "We don't expect an answer anytime soon. It's your birthday, girl. Go enjoy it. The future can wait."

Jude mouthed her thanks to her producer. She seemed to have a thing for producers who always saved the day when she had no clue what the next move was. Too bad she also had a thing for refusing to let those producers leave her heart no matter how much it drove her crazy.

The next few hours were a blur for Jude. Nicola had her personally speaking with every single person in the room. When she wasn't shaking hands and saying all the correct things that Nicola wanted her to say, Max was pulling her on stage to sing. It seemed like a lot of people had come not to celebrate her birth but to get a cheap ticket to one of her shows.

The only tough part of the job tonight was catering to the requests of the people whose asses Nicola had her kissing. They apparently liked the old school Jude Harrison numbers with all her personal history and heartbreak attached. She handled it well except when it came time to sing "I Still Love You". It had been her goodbye song to Tommy and she couldn't really distance herself from him when she was singing of always loving him and just being happy to be a part of his life.

Memories of the way her life had been played like movies in her head. She could remember spending nights on his couch watching old black and white films, the late night recording sessions that would eventually turn into some kind of war with cups of water and handfuls of licorice, walking down the road with him hand in hand, laying together under the sun and the tree tops and ignoring everything from the outside world. They had been so happy just to be together for as long as they could.

Those memories felt so real, singing this song again, that she could almost see Tommy standing at the back of the room, watching her. She felt her eyes fill with tears and had to stare down at her feet until the end of the song.

The applause rang through the room for the hundredth time that night and Jude excused herself to try to pull herself back together.

It broke Tommy's heart to see the tears staining her face as Jude rushed right past him. For a second, he wondered if he should just walk right back out that door without saying a word. Jude seemed to be living the life she always wanted and it would be selfish of him to want to take that from her just because he felt she had made the wrong decision. A part of him knew that she needed to hear him out. She needed to know why he thought she was making a huge mistake. More than that, he needed to try one last time to make her understand how much he loved her.

"She's phenomenal, isn't she?"

Tommy turned to look at the man standing next to him. "That's an understatement."

The man held out his hand as best he could considering he looked to be on his fifteenth drink of the night. "Name's Rory Finnegan. I'm next on the list for contract negotiations with Bermanze after Harrison over there. They had to put it on hold to figure out what they were going to do with Jude, but now that they finally listened to my constant ravings about her bloody amazing talent, they can focus on me, I guess. All I need is to convince the girl to do a duet on my next album and I'll be sitting pretty for quite a lucrative deal."

Tommy stared in awe as the man in front of him kept rambling about his life and how important he was. He had seen many artists like this, especially back in the days when he had been a guy just like that. Since then, he had grown to be a producer who dealt with these kind of artists because in the music business, rule number one was always the same. Put your best foot forward and pretend you're a lot bigger than you really are.

Giving this Rory guy a nod, Tommy tried to step away from the bar. He wasn't going to waste time he could be using to track down Jude. Amazingly, the guy didn't notice Tommy's attempt to leave and actually started talking again. "So, how do you know Jude?"

"It's a long story," Tommy replied briskly. He really didn't want to get into this with some self-important, egotistical man with an Irish brogue, especially one who was acting like he had taken one pill too many in combination with twenty drinks too many. "Excuse me."

It took a few minutes but Tommy eventually found his way to the one bathroom that was out of the way of the chaos of the party. If Jude was as upset as she looked, she'd want to be far, far away from where people could see her. She liked to hurt alone.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped in to the ladies room. He could hear crying from one of the stalls and walked over to gently knock on the stall. The door flung open immediately and Tommy was shocked to see that it was not Jude. Instead it was a pair of strung out girls staring back at him with narrowed eyes. "Get the fuck out of here," the one girl hissed.

Tommy looked down to see the mirror with lines of cocaine which the two girls were holding between them. Obviously what he thought was crying really wasn't. He had been out of this life for so long that he could no longer recognize the distinct sound of an addict getting high. Holding his hands up, he backed out of the restroom so quickly he didn't see or hear the person come up behind him until he had slammed right into them.

"We meet again, Mr. 'it's a long story'."

Tommy turned to see it was the same egotistical jackass from the bar only a few minutes earlier. "Rory, right?"

"Yeah. I don't think I ever got your name."

"I didn't give it." Tommy looked over his shoulders to see the two girls had returned to getting their high. They were so into feeling the euphoria that they hadn't even shut the stall door

"Oh shit," Rory hissed, pushing past Tommy. "Excuse me, man. Ladies, I told you to wait until I got here. It took me forever to secure that."

Tommy watched in awe as one of the apparent stars of Bermanze disappeared into the stall with the two junkies. He suddenly had the urge to find Jude and yank her all the way back home. She wanted to see what the life of a rockstar was like, but he knew her. She didn't want this kind of life. He'd be damned if he let her go down this path.

The door of the restroom banged shut behind him and Tommy stared down the hall. He had no clue where to look for Jude next, but he knew that he had to find her.

"Quincy! There you are!"

Tommy turned to see Hailey running his way. "I thought I told you not to come here after your show."

"You think that I'm going to miss Jude Harrison's big bash? I mean, seriously, this will probably be the only time I have an actual invite to this kind of thing and don't have to sneak in. Hey!" Hailey let out a yelp as Tommy grabbed her arm and started dragging her down the hall. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Being your producer," Tommy growled at her. He did not need to be babysitting right now when he should be talking with Jude.

Tommy tried every door in the hallway until he found one that was unlocked. He needed somewhere to stash Hailey for the time being. He didn't want her getting mixed up in whatever was going on behind the scenes at Bermanze. She wasn't ready for the real side of the record business. "You need to stay here and stay out of trouble."

Tommy was preparing himself to hear Hailey tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine when a quiet voice stopped his very heart.

"Tommy?"

He turned to see Jude staring at him with familiar big doe eyes. "Hailey," he said, not taking his eyes off of the woman in front of him.

"I'm gone, Quincy," Hailey said quickly and rushed out of the door.

The room filled with silence once more the second the door clicked shut behind Hailey. Tommy couldn't believe this was actually happening. He was finally looking at Jude's face with his own eyes. It wasn't a CD cover or a magazine article. It was actually her. A huge part of him breathed a sigh of relief to see she looked exactly the same as when she left him behind in Canada. The life she was living had its demons but it seemed they hadn't gotten their claws into Jude quite yet.

Tommy knew that she was waiting for him to speak. After all, he was the one who had crossed a whole ocean to see her. Now that the moment was here, though, he had no idea where to begin.

"Tommy?" Jude asked again."Hi," Tommy finally said.

"Hi," Jude said, her lips turning up into a big grin.

He wasn't sure if he made the first move or if she did, but next thing he knew she was in his arms. He didn't think he had ever gripped her this hard. "Jude," he whispered, still not believing it. His body moved a little and he realized that she was laughing.

Jude pulled back and looked up at Tommy. "Are we going to have a conversation or are we just going to say each others' names and hi over and over again?"

Tommy smiled. "Hi, Jude."

She smacked him on the chest and took a step back. "So you're in London."

"I'm in London."

"And you didn't come alone."

Tommy followed Jude's eyes to the door Hailey had just left through. "That was my new artist, Hailey Adams."

"She looked kind of familiar," Jude said, remembering the girls' bright red hair and rockstar wannabe wardrobe. She looked at Tommy out of the corner of her eye and wasn't surprised to see the slightly nervous look on his face. She used to love how he bit his bottom lip when he was worried.

"I've noticed," Tommy admitted. "Everyone has noticed. It's been a little weird, kind of like a time warp to four years ago."

"Does she sound like me, too?"

"Darius wants her to sound like you and she desperately wants to sound like you."

"But?"

"But I know there's only one Jude Harrison." Tommy sighed. "She's got talent, though."

Silence filled the room as the conversation died. Now that the easy part of this moment was over, Tommy once again struggled with how to say what he needed to. "I'm worried about you, Jude."

Jude nodded. She had expected as much. Tommy had always made watching her back his first priority with the music always being an important second. That's what made him a great producer.

"You made a choice to come to London. You wanted to live free and make mistakes. I understand why, Jude. I really do. I lived that life for years which is probably the only reason that I was eventually okay with leaving it behind and moving on."

"Tommy, I don't think you-" Jude stopped as Tommy raised his hand to cut her off.

"There are things that go on in this business that you can't just try out and leave behind. I just want to be sure that you understand that some mistakes are okay but others you can't come back from."

Jude nodded. She wasn't oblivious to what went on at Bermanze and how different it was from the life she had had at G Major. This was the big show in every sense of the word. "I'm not a little girl anymore, Tommy." She let out a sigh and sat down in on the couch behind her. "Is that what you needed to tell me? That you were worried and wanted me to understand that I can screw up my life at any moment?"

"That's not what I meant," Tommy insisted, taking a seat next to her.

"I know, I know. I just wanted…" Jude's voice faded. She suddenly wasn't sure if she could do this. She didn't know if she could just stand here and let Tommy say whatever he had to say and then let him walk out the door. She was tired of these hit-and-run encounters that seem to make up the whole of their relationship.

Her mind started running through the possible reasons why Tommy felt the need to come all this way to speak to her face to face. In the end, there was only one answer, "You're here for an apology, aren't you?" she asked after a few moments of silence. "You want to know why I did such a cowardly thing, leaving you behind without a real explanation."

Tommy shook his head. He had dreamed of the moment she would finally explain to him what was going through her head, why she chose to get up on stage and announce in her own way that she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with him. An explanation would be really helpful in the long run, but he would never have traveled this far for an apology. It was never that important. "Jude, I-"

Jude cut him off immediately. "No, you deserve an explanation. I know that I should have told you that I was worried about depending on you too much. I should have told you that I thought we were rushing into being together too fast, especially after what happened the last time."

"You were still hurting from what I did to you," Tommy interjected. "I understand that, Jude."

"Stop it!" Jude shouted. "Just stop it."

Tommy leaned back in surprise, moving away on instinct at her sudden outburst. He didn't understand why Jude was so angry. There was a lot of strong emotions between them right now, but he would never have guessed that anger would be the most intense. On top of that revelation, Tommy also felt his heart break as he realized Jude had started to cry again. This wasn't supposed to be painful for her.

"Why can't you just be mad?" Jude murmured. "You're supposed to be mad."

"How would being angry with you help anything?" Tommy asked.

"Because then I would know that I was right to have this guilt built up inside of me, eating away at me. I would know that I was right and everyone, Sadie, Jamie, even Speed, was lying when they said that I had a right to give this a try. I know that despite how good this feels right now, I was being completely selfish back when I chose to do this. I could figure out how to fix things if you would just admit that you're angry."

"Jude."

"You need to stop giving me the easy way out," Jude insisted. "I'm trying to make my apologies and you're too busy trying to make me feel better that you're not even hearing what I'm saying."

"I don't need apologies, Jude. Sure, what you did made me angry. I was furious for so long after you left. For months I thought if only I had some kind of explanation about why it had to be all or nothing. It didn't have to be an apology, just something that would help the anger start to fade. All I cared about was getting the anger to fade, but over time, that changed. Apologies and explanations don't matter because I finally understand. I'm not mad at you for wanting to live your life."

"You're doing it again, Quincy. I was a complete asshole to you and you're letting me off the hook. You need to hear me out." Jude gave him a pleading look that broke his heart.

Tommy nodded, letting her know that is was okay for her to go ahead. If she needed to do this so bad, he wouldn't stop her.

"We both know how scared I was just like we both know my fear had nothing to do with me moving to a different continent. Since the day we met, I've been scared of the feelings I had for you. Most people don't meet someone they can love their whole life when they're not even old enough to drive. The fear was always a part of our relationship. At that concert my last night in Toronto, I let that fear get hold and make the decision for me. I was scared that if we did this together, I would be sentencing you to a life you didn't actually want. I was scared of forcing you to the do the right thing and not letting you make your own choice. I was scared that I was limiting myself because it was easier just to give in to the fantasy. Mostly I was too scared to say anything of those things to your face. I didn't want to hurt you, but in the end, I guess that's exactly what I did. I'm so sorry."

Tommy let out a soft sigh. It felt good to hear her say those words even though he knew they weren't necessary. He had worked out all of the things she had just told him a long time ago. He knew why she did what she did and he had forgiven her for it. Reaching out, he brushed the tears off her cheek. "I accept your apology, Jude, but I need you to do one thing for me."

Clearing her throat, she nodded. "Name it."

"I never want to hear you do that again. Never apologize or feel embarrassed for doing what you think is right for you. Hurt feelings can be mended but regrets never go away."

Silence lay between them. Jude felt her mind struggling to understand what he was trying to tell her. It didn't feel like he had come here to get an explanation anymore. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he already knew why she left him.

As her thoughts ran wild, so too did the stillness in the air. Jude wasn't sure how to break the tension between them. This was the most nervous she had ever been when it came to Tommy, and she had no clue why. She had already stumbled her way through the toughest part of this conversation. She should feel relieved, not even more anxious.

A cheer rang through the hallways, causing Jude to turn to look at the closed door separating them from the party outside. Tommy was suddenly pulled back to the present as he remembered what the night was really about.

"Do you remember your seventeenth birthday?"

Jude felt a quiet smile form on her lips as that night came flooding back to her. The pack of crackers, writing the song, letting herself forgive Tommy and then waking up in his arms. "It's still the best birthday I've had."

"It ranks high up there on my list, too." Tommy smiled to himself. "It's funny how most of my favorite moments of the past few years involve you in some way."

"Why are you bringing up my seventeenth birthday all of the sudden?" Jude asked.

Tommy shrugged. He didn't really know why he was talking about it besides the fact that it just felt like the right thing to do. "I think the best birthday I ever had was my twenty-sixth."

The silence fell between them again.

"You don't remember it, do you?"

"I remember Darius throwing you a huge bash," Jude admitted, "but he did that every year for as long as I've known you. The man likes his parties."

Tommy shook his head. "I wasn't talking about the best birthday celebration I ever had. I'm talking about the actual birthday."

"What's the difference?"

"The difference is that when I turned twenty six, the party was pretty unremarkable, but what happened during the actual day was something I'll have the memory of for the rest of my life."

Again silence spread. Jude hated that she couldn't remember what Tommy was referring to since it seemed to mean a lot to him. She knew that they had been together on his twenty-sixth birthday. She just couldn't remember what had made it so special. "So if it wasn't the party, what was it that made that day so memorable?" she asked, leaning back against the couch.

"Two in the morning, you woke me up before it registered to either of us that it was officially my birthday. You had a craving for homemade pasta like your father used to make you. Next thing I know we're in the Viper, searching for an open supermarket. You went walking up and down those aisles on a mission for just the right ingredients, towing me along as I grumbled about being tired and you just ignored me with a sweet look on your face. I remember this moment when we were by the cereal aisle. I looked at you standing there in grey sweatpants and one of my old hoodies pondering whether it should be Lucky Charms or Corn Pops. Your hair was a mess from the few hours of sleep we got. You smiled at me and I felt my whole heart drop right out of my chest."

"We got kicked out before we could buy the ingredients," Jude said, finally remembering that morning, "because I convinced you to push me around in the shopping cart."

"I steered you right into one of the displays."

"You did. Then, since I still had a craving, we ended up going back to my family's house and stealing the ingredients from the kitchen."

"We were up until five o'clock making that pasta but it was worth it."

"That was your best birthday?"

"Hands down, no contest, the best one. It was one of the few birthdays where I had everything I wanted and didn't feel the need to put on a show. I was happy with everything just the way it was. You and me without any of the pretenses."

Jude stared at him a moment before taking a deep breath and asking her question again, "Why did you come all the way to London if it wasn't for an apology?" When he didn't answer, she asked again, "You don't owe me anything, Tommy, if that's what you're worried about. I made the decision to go. You have to know that nothing was your fault."

"Yes. No. I don't know." Tommy ran his hands through his hair for a moment and then looked over at her. She was still staring at him expectantly. He reached forward to brush a piece of hair out of her eyes and let his finger linger on her cheek. He let out a long sigh and made a decision. "I know that coming to London had nothing to do with obligations and wanting to take the blame. I came here because I thought for just one minute, one second, my life could be a little easier. It's been so hard not having you around, Jude. I've thrown myself into producing because that's the only thing I have that can keep me distracted from how difficult it is to get out of bed when you're not there beside me."

Tommy stared at the woman he loved and wondered what the hell she must be thinking. He hadn't meant to ambush her like this. He just wanted to let her know that he still cared about her and that he missed her. He hadn't meant to pour out his whole heart in the first ten minutes of seeing her again.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this right now. It's your birthday." Tommy stood up from the couch.

Jude immediately reached out and took his hand, pulling him back down to her. She let herself feel the weight of his palm in hers and remembered how familiar the comfort of it was before she made her own choice. "I feel like there's a huge gaping hole in my life without you there." She gave Tommy what she hoped was a brave smile. "It's so hard for me to admit that after everything I said to you, but it's the truth. My writing and my music have been fine without you just like you always said they would be. You were right every time you insisted that I didn't need you for that." Jude paused for a moment and tightened her grip on his hand. "But what I realize now is there's one thing I did need you for. Bermanze has a million people looking out for me as their newest artist, but there is not one person here who is looking out for me as a person. That was always your job since the first day Georgia shoved you and me into a recording studio. That's what I miss most of all. Just having you here, watching over me."

"It doesn't have to be all or nothing with us, Jude. If you need to do this on your own, that's fine. Just know that you don't have to do it all on your own. The offer I made before you left still stands. If you need an anchor, Jude, I can be it. I can be there for you without doing it all for you. It can be whatever way you need it to be." Tommy wasn't surprised when he felt Jude tense and her hand slipped out of his. They always took one step forward and two steps back.

"I can't ask that of you," Jude whispered. "It wouldn't be fair."

"Now who's taking the easy way out, Harrison? It's time you figured out what's holding you back." It killed Tommy to see the tears start to pool in her eyes for a second time, but he knew this had to be done. They could dance around each other, saying the all the right things, for hours. That would only leave them in the same place, stuck in two separate lives without each other. "You can trust me."

"That's just it," Jude cried. "I don't know if I can."

Tommy felt his heart drop right out of his chest. He fought the urge to just stand up and walk away. Something inside him knew that if he did that, it would be the end of everything there had ever been between them. For his own good, he needed to hear her out. "It's okay, Jude. Go on."

"I'm scared to death that if I let myself trust you again, if I let myself depend on you, everything will fall apart. It always falls apart. Things are going really well for me right now. I'm standing on my own two feet. It scares the hell out of me, but I love that feeling. It's taken me a long time to figure this out, but the bottom line is my music can't take another Tommy Q fallout. Not only that, I don't think my heart can take it if you walk out on me again."

Tommy knew that they were both thinking about the days that followed the horrible first mix of her third album, the one she was forced to finalize right after he abandoned her. He had never felt like more of an asshole than when he heard what he had done to her and the music they had made together.

"I know we got past what happened," Jude continued, "but I can't help thinking what if it happens again."

"Look at me," Tommy said. He reached out and tipped her chin up. "Do you trust me, Jude? Right now, in this moment, do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Then that's enough. Because if your days are anything like mine, it's worth the risk of things going wrong in order to get all those moments where things go right. I'm here for you,. I will always be here for you, Jude, because I love you. I always have and I always will." Tommy sat there, staring at her eyes as his words hung between them. He wondered if he had gone too far, too fast. Was she really going to be ready to just jump back in with him, no questions asked? At least he had time to prepare for this moment. Jude never saw it coming.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Jude's mouth turned up in the start of a smile, giving him her answer. Tommy seized the small opening she had given him to lean in and lightly press his lips to hers. When she didn't pull back, he drew her into him, deepening the kiss. He felt all the guilt and fear and anguish flow right out of him as he let himself move into that familiar place where he and Jude were happy.

Jude only moved away when she felt like her heart was about to burst out of her chest. Everything was so overwhelming right now but she didn't mind.

"Happy birthday, Jude," Tommy whispered, leaning his forehead against hers.

"Best birthday ever," Jude said with a grin.

"You should get back to your party."

Jude shook her head. "The party doesn't matter. I'll just go and say my goodbyes. Then you and I can finish this conversation and maybe cook a little dinner together."

"It's the middle of the night."

"That never stopped us before." Jude leaned in to give him one more quick kiss and then, keeping her eyes on him, backed her way out of the room with a smile on her lips.

Tommy leaned back in the couch. He hadn't spoken to her yet about his promise to Darius that he would get her to come back home with him Frankly it never really mattered to him whether she agreed to return to Toronto. He was willing to do whatever it took to be with Jude. If that meant moving to London, breaking his contract with G Major, and severely pissing off Darius Mills, then so be it. If that meant returning to Toronto without Jude and severely pissing off Darius Mills, then that was okay, too.

Tommy's phone beeped in his pocket. "The real world calls," Tommy muttered, pulling it out of his pocket. His heart sank as he read the name on the screen. "What is it?"

"I need you, Tommy."

His whole body tensed. Hailey never used his first name. "What's wrong?"

"I was… trying to keep myself… give you time…"

Tommy looked down at his phone and realized he was getting no reception where he was. However, the bits and pieces of Hailey's voice that he could make out were clearly frantic. "Hailey, I can't understand what you're saying."

"Some guy…. figured it couldn't hurt… realize something was up." Hailey's voice cut off.

There was fear in her voice. Tommy had never heard her like this. He stopped focusing on being concerned and started running. "Hailey! Just keep talking. I'm going to move to where I can hear you better."

"Outside…took me out into the parking lot… kicked him and ran…"

Tommy found an emergency exit into an alley and Hailey's voice finally came in clear. "Tommy, I think he's still around somewhere."

"Don't move. I'll be right there."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'll be right there to get you, Hails, and then we can go back inside and I'll introduce you to Jude. Okay, Hailey?" When there was no response, he tried again. "Okay, Hailey?"

"Okay," she finally whispered, her voice trembling.

Tommy was about to ask her where exactly she was when his vision went cloudy. Nothing registered with him for a few seconds that felt like an eternity. Then the pain slammed into him, taking his breath away. The back of his head continue to throb to the point of his vision going white. Tommy felt his knees give out with no explanation. A voice inside of him started screaming as it dawned on him what was happening, and then nothing.

Tommy's head smacked the pavement and all that was left was black.


	5. Your Biggest Mistake

It was the incessant beeping that finally got him to open his eyes. When he finally did, he wished he hadn't. The world around him was bright and loud. It was much easier when he was asleep. Tommy tried to sit up but his body wasn't cooperating.

"Sir, don't move."

Tommy's vision was blurry but he could make out a blonde woman standing above him. "Jude?"

The woman didn't respond. She simply looked at something to her left before returning her gaze to him. "You've been out for quite a while so let's start easy here. Can you tell me your name?"

"Tom Quincy… um, Dutoit… no, Quincy…" Tommy's voice faded off. He couldn't figure out why his head was pounding so hard.

"Well, which one is it?"

Tommy wasn't sure the answer to that question. His whole head was ringing so loudly he couldn't remember what name he was supposed to use in this situation. Actually he wasn't sure what situation this was so maybe his confusions was valid.

"Quincy. My name is Tom Quincy."

"Well, pleased to meet you, Mr. Quincy."

Tommy tried to sit up again and this time was more successful. "Where am I?"

"You're at the Royal."

"The Royal?"

"The Royal London Hospital," the woman filled in. "My name's Tara. I'm the first shift nurse. The whole team has been watching over you since you were brought in. Some guy found you in an alleyway downtown and called the police. You were brought to us with no identification so we've just been waiting on you to wake up and set the record straight about what happened."

"I have no clue," Tommy said. This was happening too quickly and he still had no idea what was going on. He was in a hospital. Why was he in a hospital?

"We figured your lack of identification means that you were involved in a mugging. That means there needs to be a report. Just let me know when you're feeling better and I can bring the police around. You can tell them whatever you remember."

Tommy shook his head. He did not want the police anywhere near him. It was just a wallet and one he could replace with hardly any effort. He had had enough run-ins with the police to last a lifetime.

"You don't remember what happened?" Tara asked.

Tommy searched his brain for anything he might remember, but that just made his head hurt worse. The last thing he could remember was Hailey calling him because she was in some kind of trouble. It was all a black blur right after he had promised to introduce her to Jude. "Oh god." Tommy could feel himself start to panic. "How long did you say I've been here?"

"You've been in and out for about a day now, but we really don't know how long you were in that alley before someone found you. It seems your body wanted to heal itself pretty badly. That made it hard to stay awake for more than small bits of time."

"I need to get out of here," Tommy insisted. He tried to push his way out of bed but Tara the nurse was having none of that.

"You are in no condition to be going anywhere, Mr. Quincy."

"There's someone I need to talk to immediately."

"Phone's right there," Tara said, pointing to the bedside table.

Tommy reached out to grab the receiver of the room's phone when his eyes caught on a familiar small silver block. Tara followed his eyes to see him staring at the phone she had laid there when they moved him to this permanent room. "I'm not sure why they took your wallet but not your cell phone. Let's just be thankful for small miracles, right?

Tommy nodded his understanding and finally picked up the receiver of the hospital phone. He was about to start dialing when he realized he had no clue what Jude's phone number was. He knew there was someone else he could call to figure out how to get a hold of Jude, but he couldn't focus enough to figure it out. There was still a sound ringing in his head. He put the receiver back down and shut his eyes. This ringing had to stop before he could do anything.

He heard the nurse sigh beside him and turned to look at her. "Mr. Quincy, you're just going to have to slow yourself down a little. We'll get you out of here as soon as we can."

Tommy nodded. She was right even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear right now.

Sighing, Tommy went to rub his face. He quickly realized why it wasn't going to happen as the heavy weight on his right hand finally registered. His hand was in a cast. Tara followed the line of his gaze. "You had a broken forearm, a concussion from the blow to the back of your head, and quite a bit of bruising."

"Will any of that keep me here long?"

Tara shook her head. This guy was really focused on getting out of here. "No. Your injuries weren't actually that serious. They just seem to have compounded with what was probably you overextending yourself. That's why you took so long to come back around. I'll just go find a doctor and we can get your out of here and you can call whomever this Jude person is." Tara smiled at his confused look. "You've been mumbling that name for hours. It doesn't take a complete genius to put two and two together to figure out that's who you need to talk to immediately."

Tommy forced himself to sit still for a few minutes after Tara left the room. He needed to concentrate and figure out what he was going to do next. The extra bit of concentration seemed to work because a vision of a certain blond bombshell popped into his head. "Sadie."

He reached out for the phone again and dialed the number to G Major from memory. The secretary connected him right to Sadie's office.

"Tommy, where the hell are you?" Sadie yelled as soon as she picked up.

"It's a long story," Tommy shot back, wincing at how loud she sounded over the phone. Wasn't the sound supposed to be muffled seeing as how it had to cross the ocean? "I'll explain later. Right now I need Jude's phone number."

"It's disconnected seeing as how she just moved flats."

"Cell phone?"

"We're talking about the queen of lost and broken electronics, Quincy."

Tommy swore under his breath. "So then an address?"

"I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"Sadie, please."

"Tommy, I can't just keep letting you do this crap to her over and over again."

"If you ever cared anything about me or your sister, do this for me."

Tommy could practically hear Sadie arguing with herself in her head and then she let out a sigh. "Fine. Kensington Park Gardens, W11, Flat Four."

Tommy grabbed a pen off the table beside him and wrote the address on his hand. "I will explain," he assured her.

"You better, Tommy."

He was about to ask Sadie if Jude had spoken to her about what happened when Tara entered the room with a doctor. "Let me just straighten this out with Jude and we'll both call you."

"Good luck with that," Sadie mumbled and disconnected the call.

Tommy hung up the phone and tried his best to listen to the doctor as he rambled on about what to do if he continued to feel dizzy or started vomiting. It took all his concentration to sit through the fifteen minutes of lectures, but it was worth it when the doctor presented him with the option of signing himself out of the facility. Tommy was given one last option of calling the police to give a statement and then he was done.

He gave Tara a big thank you for getting the doctor to see him so fast, and in return, she slipped him some pound notes. "For taxi fare, love. I have a feeling you have somewhere you need to get to."

"You're an angel," Tommy called, grabbing his jacket and doing his best not to overexert himself as he raced out of the hospital.

The whole cab trip to Notting Hill had Tommy wishing he had his motorcycle. The driver just didn't understand how much was riding on Tommy being able to speak to Jude.

Tommy knew Jude. He knew that when it came to him, her heart always thought the worse. He had just convinced her to trust that he loved her and wanted to be with her, and then he disappeared for two days. She was going to be a complete, broken-hearted wreck. If he didn't fix this now, he would never be able to.

"21 pounds," the cabbie growled.

Tommy paid him as quickly as possible and got out of the cab. He made it about halfway to the door when his head started spinning. Thankfully, a few moments of shutting his eyes and deep breathing fixed that. Tommy was not prepared to do something as stupid as getting to Jude's doorstep and then collapsing.

It only took him a few seconds to locate Flat 4. He knocked on the door and waited patiently for an answer. When nothing happened, he knocked again. Still nothing.

"Come on, Jude," he murmured, knocking a third time. He hoped to god she was just in the shower or something because he knew this couldn't wait.

"Oy! What do you think you're doing?"

Tommy turned around to see a teenage girl staring at him from the street. "I'm just trying to see if my friend is at home."

"You're a friend of Jude's?" the young girl asked, narrowing her eyes. She obviously didn't believe him.

"I used to be her record producer when she was an artist in Toronto." The girl seemed to relax a little with this information. "You seem to be a friend of Jude's, too. Do you know if she's home?"

The girl shook her head. "No, she's usually at the recording studio all day Mondays. She said it has something to do with a weekend's worth of material rattling around in her head."

Tommy nodded. That sounded like Jude. "How far's Bermanze from here?"

The girl narrowed her eyes at him again. Something told Tommy that Jude got a lot of admirers lurking outside her flat. "You look familiar."

Tommy was about to say she probably recognized him from Boyz Attack when he realized she was way too young to know about boy band groups from a decade ago.

"You're Tommy!" the girl suddenly cried, her eyes going wide.

"That's my name," Tommy said, and he was surprised to find now he was the one narrowing his eyes.

"Jude has pictures of you all over her flat. I can't believe I didn't recognize you right away."

Tommy felt himself smile. It was nice to know Jude had not only kept their photos but had them on display. Maybe he had a chance of convincing her to forgive him one last time. "So where's the studio?"

"Ten minutes," the girl said, pointing east. "Just take Chepstow to Westbourne. It's the big brick building."

"I know," Tommy said. He might still have a little bit of a fuzzy head right now, but he remembered a lot about what went on before he was mugged two days ago.

Tommy was about to start jogging down the road when his cell phone started ringing. He winced when he saw the name on the caller ID. For two seconds, he seriously debated ignoring the call, but in the end, he knew that he would just be putting off the inevitable.

"Harrison said you finally got in contact."

Tommy flinched at the angry sound of Darius's voice. He can imagine how irritated Darius was over the fact that Sadie had more information than he did. It seemed like Darius was always in competition with his second in command these days. "I can explain."

"Later. Right now you need to get your ass back here, Quincy," Darius hissed. "I let you go to London with the understanding that you were going to be a benefit to your artist and you let me down."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because your artist is having a complete breakdown outside my office here in Toronto and you're not with her. Get your ass back here so you can explain why I shouldn't fire you right here right now."

Tommy swore under his breath. He hadn't even considered where Hailey was or what she might have gone through while he was in the hospital. The last thing he remembered was promising Hailey he was going to find her. Instead he upped and disappeared for close to two days. He had no clue how Hailey had made her way back to Toronto but he was grateful that she was somewhere safe. "Let me speak to her."

"You can speak to her when you get back."

"I'm not sure when that will be," Tommy replied hesitantly.

"I'll tell you when that will be. Approximately 10 to 12 hours from now, depending on the presence of a tail wind and amount of traffic from the airport."

"D, I'm in the middle of something really important."

"I don't care," Darius screamed. Tommy could imagine the whole of G Major screeching to a halt as Darius's voice rattle every inch of the building. "Your artist needs you. End of discussion."

And just like that, Tommy knew that he was screwed. "Shit," he muttered, shoving his phone back into his pocket. Looking around, his eyes landed on a piece of junk mail. A note would have to work for now. Then the first second he had, he would call Jude and explain in detail. He would make her understand. After all, he had medical proof that the only reason he wasn't with her right now was because he had been completely unconscious.

Tommy turned to look at the girl still standing next to him. "Got a pen?"

The girl pulled one out of his purse and handed it to him. "You're about to do something stupid, aren't you? Jude said you could be a real bastard sometimes."

Tommy stared at the girl. He did not need to be defending himself to a teenage girl right now.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Sorry. Don't let me keep you from being a complete dick. You can keep the pen."

Tommy pushed the irritation out of his mind and started scribbling on a takeout menu from Jude's doorstep. He slid the menu under the door of the Flat 4 and prayed to god that she got the message soon.


	6. It's You

Jude let herself into the flat, only stumbling a little. With a giggle, she threw her keys onto the front table and yelled behind her, "I should not have let you guys talk me into that fourth pint."

Carlee and Rory burst out laughing as they too stumbled into Jude's home. "Mail's here," Carlee joked as she stepped over the junk mail and takeout menus on the floor. "Don't you ever look at this stuff, Bee?"

"I'll get it later," Jude mumbled. "Right now I want sweatpants and ice cream."

"You are such a freaking girl," Rory snickered, flopping down on the couch. "A boy does you wrong and you go right to the comfort foods."

"This has nothing to do with Tommy Quincy," Jude insisted.

"Bullshit!" Carlee and Rory yelled it at the same time, collapsing into another fit of laughter and making Jude wince. She thought she had really improved on her transparency when it came to being upset over Tommy Q, but obviously she hadn't.

Jude's cell phone started ringing as she kicked off her sneakers.

"Is it Tommy?" Rory asked in a sickening sweet voice.

"No, it's my sister, wise ass," Jude growled. She hit the send button and put the phone to her ear "Sadie!"

"Are you drunk?"

Jude's mouth dropped open. "How the hell could you tell that from me saying your name?"

"I'm just that good." Jude smiled at her two friends as they began to mock Sadie. She put her fingers to her lips to calm them down. When they didn't stop, she let out a laugh and started walking up the stairs. She really wanted her sweatpants.

"So why are you drunk in the middle of a Monday afternoon?" Sadie asked.

"I went out with a few of the other artists for lunch. I'm having a bad day in case you didn't know."

"How would I know that, Jude?"

"Maybe the fact that I was up until three in the morning crying to you over the phone last night? That seems like a pretty big clue that I would have a bad freaking day today." She could practically hear Sadie rolling her eyes on the other end. They had a pretty close relationship but it had never been the kind where Sadie would just humor her blatant moping.

"You and Tommy haven't made up yet?"

Jude felt her whole body freeze at the sound of his name. The alcohol must be wearing off because it certainly wasn't helping anymore. "Making up would actually require me knowing where the hell he is," Jude pointed out as she walked into her bedroom.

"You haven't seen him?"

"I already told you that last night. God, Sadie! Don't you listen?"

"I meant you haven't seen him today," Sadie corrected, choosing to ignore the urge to hang up on her belligerent sister. She really hated Jude when she went into self-destruct mode.

"No. Was I supposed to?"

"He called a few hours ago asking for your address."

Jude couldn't help but feel her heart skip a little. Tommy had talked to Sadie about her. A part of her heart wondered if maybe she had really misread the whole situation. Maybe by some freak chance he really hadn't meant to leave her like he did, all full of renewed hope and waiting for a man who suddenly found somewhere more important to be.

As the hope started flooding in, Jude felt reality creep in, too. There wasn't a mysterious explanation that was going to fix this. With Tommy, it was always exactly as it sounded or looked. He had obviously been forced to make a choice, and as usual, he didn't choose her.

"I assumed he'd be waiting on your doorstep when you got home," Sadie continued, not realizing the internal war that Jude was currently waging on herself.

"Are we talking about Tommy Q here? He doesn't do waiting and he doesn't do apologies."

"I don't know, Jude. He sounded really upset on the phone."

"Well, I do know. Tommy always sounds upset. He always sounds sorry. That doesn't mean he's actually either one of those things." Jude caught sight of herself in the mirror and winced. She definitely looked fit for death's doorstep right now. "Listen, Sadie. All I know is that I'm not drunk enough to miss Tommy sitting on my doorstep. He wasn't there."

"Jude-" Sadie started.

"No. I'm sorry, Sadie. I don't give a damn how upset he sounded or how sorry he might be. I'm absolutely exhausted. I keep letting myself do this over and over again. He screws up, I wait around for him to realize what a bastard he is, I let him back in, he hurts me again. It's this stupid cycle that I just can't get away from and I'm tired of it. At some point, enough needs to be enough. I was happy, Sade. I was living my dream here in London,, producing, composing, just being, and I let it all get screwed up again."

"It doesn't have to be screwed up."

"I can't believe you're doing this," Jude yelled into the phone.

"You know that I'm the president of the Tommy Quincy is bad for you fan club, but something tells me that you need to hear him out this time. Tommy can be a real asshole sometimes but he's never disappeared on you without some sort of explanation."

"What about when he went to get Darius's daughter? He just ransacked our dinner date, spouting out his I'm sorrys and I wish I can explains."

"He called you multiple times when he was gone in case you forgot. He told you absolutely everything he could about where he was and why at the time. It's not his fault that Darius can be neurotic about his family."

Jude fought the urge to scream. Why did it take her finally being willing to give up on Tommy for Sadie to defend him? Her sister had hated Tommy for months after they broke up and continued to hate him for months after she realized he had been in love with her little sister the whole time. If there was anyone who should understand what Jude was going through, it should be Sadie.

Of course, in Jude's world, that automatically meant that Sadie would be the one who wouldn't agree with Jude. Her life was all contradictions and confusion these days.

"So maybe he did try to explain that time, but what about all those times he refused to tell me about Angie?"

"Jesus, Jude! You really expect him to be upfront and open about the girlfriend that he thought he had killed? Really?"

Jude felt the shame wash over her. She knew all about the guilt that had eaten away at him for years. She knew that if he hadn't been truly scared that he would hurt her in the same way, he would have told her all about what ended his marriage with Portia. He would have told her right away about Angie.

"How about when he went home to take care of his mom? He was like a whole different person then."

"Not really, Jude. You knew exactly where he was and why. He told you everything even when he didn't want to."

Jude paused, trying to come up with another time where Tommy had disappeared on her. "Fine," she finally grumbled, giving in. "Maybe he doesn't usually disappear without telling me why, but that doesn't mean I should suddenly care. I can't waste more time waiting around for him."

"I know," Sadie replied. "I just want to make sure that you're sure about this. I want to make sure that you're one hundred percent positive you want him out of your life. Because if you aren't-"

"Then what, Sadie?"

"I'm only going to say it once more. He seemed really flustered on the phone, but at the same time, he sounded happier than I've heard him be in months. You didn't seen him before, Jude. He was a complete wreck, worse even than when he came back from taking care of his mother. So if he comes knocking on your door days or weeks from now, are you really sure you can turn him away?"

"I'm sure. Tommy Quincy is out of my life for good this time." Jude sighed as she finally put on the sweatpants she so desperately wanted. "Was that all you wanted, Sadie?"

Sadie sighed. "Yeah, I guess that's it for now. Call me when you need to talk again. I'll be at the office late so you should be able to get a hold of me there."

"Thanks. I'll probably need a pep talk in a few hours when the alcohol fades and all of my resolve wears off," Jude admitted. "Love you, Sadie."

"I know."

Jude tossed her phone onto the bed and laid down. She should probably go back downstairs and see what trouble Carlee and Rory had gotten into, but she really just wanted to rest for a minute. Talking with Sadie was one of the most exhausting things she could do. Sadie always called her out on every little stupid thing. Sighing, Jude shut her eyes.

It took her two guests the better part of an hour to realize that Jude wasn't coming back down. Carlee ran upstairs to confirm that Jude had passed out and then, when she saw that Jude was indeed out for the count and not getting up anytime soon, suggested she and Rory move the party back to her place.

"Not today," Rory said, flicking through the channels on Jude's TV.

"So what then?"

"I'm going to stay here and make sure Jude's okay. You're going to get out and find trouble elsewhere."

Carlee smirked. "It's like that, is it?"

Rory rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to take advantage of her because she's passed out drunk."

"Actually that sounds exactly like something you would do," Carlee pointed out. Rory scowled at her and she held up her hands in surrender. "All right, all right. I'm out of here. Call me if you get bored with the mistress of bland."

Rory gave her a small nod and returned his attention back to the TV. He heard Carlee swear as she slipped on the pile of mail in front of the door. "Pick up this crap for her, Rory!" she yelled at him. "At least that way you can point out how useful you are when you're taking advantage of her emotional distress." Carlee smirked as Rory extended both of his middle fingers towards her.

Despite the fact that she was really joking about Rory picking up the pile of mail, he figured it would be a good idea. He might actually have a shot with Jude if he softened her up a little bit. He was debating whether it was funny to shove all this junk in the mail slot of the next flat or if he should save them to throw under Carlee's door later tonight when his eyes caught the handwriting on one of the menus.

His eyes went wide. If this note was meant for Jude, it was a good thing she didn't see it. She could do a lot better than some sappy man writing her desperate pleas in the hopes of riding her coattails of fame.

"Rory."

Rory froze as he heard Jude's groggy voice from the top of the stairs. He scanned the front entryway and swore when he remember how minimally Jude decorated. There wasn't too much furniture or accoutrement for him to use. Figuring it was his best option, he rushed over to the mirror by the front table and shoved the menu behind it. He'd just have to dispose of it for Jude's own good at a later time.

"I'm right here," he yelled back. "Just trying to clean up some of this mess."

"Oh crap. My mail. I forgot." Jude stopped beside him. "Anything good?"

"Nothing that'll change your life," Rory joked. "So how are you feeling, kid?"

"Like the whole world is screaming in my head while also stomping on my heart. Why are you not all miserable like me right now?"

"Because I have self-control."

"That's a laugh," Jude snickered. "You and self-control are so far apart that I can't even…"

Jude's voice drifted off abruptly, causing Rory to start poking her in the side. "What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Jude answered quickly. She did her best to look away from the picture she had sitting on the table beside her but it didn't really work. She could feel Rory piecing it together. "It's Tommy."

"Tommy?"

Jude pointed to the man she was sitting next to in the photo. That picture had been taken in front of the G Major mixing board when they were in the middle of mixing her third album. It was a reminder of when things were more simple between them. She liked to remind herself that life didn't have to be complicated all the time. "Tom Quincy. My producer and ex-boyfriend."

"Hey! I know him!" Rory exclaimed. "I met him at your birthday party."

"He came to London to see me," Jude informed him. "I thought I knew what he wanted but now I'm really not sure."

Rory shoved her a little bit as he yelled, "Oh my god! You have it bad for the party pooper!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Remember me telling you about that old guy who totally put a dampener on the party I was having with Max's new and oh-so-promising duo of recording artists? That's the dude."

Jude shook her head. She could just imagine the scene that Tommy had walked in on. Rory was famous at Bermanze for his ridiculous behaviors in the recording studio not to mention what he got up to outside the walls of the company, and she wasn't even going to think about his rumored addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol.

"So what is it about this guy that has you all in a tizzy?"

Jude groaned. "I think 'tizzy' is a horrible understatement."

Rory grabbed her hand and led her over to the coach. "So tell me then. If it's so much more than a tizzy, then what is it?"

Jude stayed silent for a few moments as she tried to figure out how she could explain her relationship with Tommy. She felt like there were probably no words to communicate what the two of them had gone through to be together, not to mention what they had gone through to drive them apart time and again. It was one of those things that to truly understand, you had to be there. You had to live it.

Still, she figured it was worth attempting. Maybe the words would come to her once she started talking. "Tommy and I have a relationship that closely resembles a roller coaster. You know that feeling of anxiety you get when you're going up the big hill at the beginning and how that huge drop makes your whole stomach leap out of your body? That's what Tommy and I have together. The only difference is the big drop doesn't seem to end and the next thing I know I'm sick to my stomach because all the fear and anxiety has built up and doomed me to a life of never being able to relax and enjoy the ride."

Rory nodded. "That is the most screwed up, confusing metaphor I have ever heard, Harrison."

"I know," Jude whimpered, putting her head in her hands. She knew she shouldn't have even tried. "I hate that I always turn into this simpering, whimpering mound of ick every time Tommy shows up to wreck my life. I always do this."

"Do what?"

"Let him back in like an idiot who doesn't know better. I'm supposed to be a freaking rock star and instead I end up being some stupid girl who needs a guy to make her feel important. How screwed up is that?"

"Very?" Rory guessed.

"Very," Jude confirmed. "I am so tired of fighting for him when he just goes and shuts me out again. He always promises that it'll be different, but it's not. He abandoned me on my birthday. My birthday! What kind of jackass does that? And what kind of idiot lets him do it? I should know better. He's pretty much established a track record of ripping my heart out on my birthday every couple of years. I should have knew he was going to do it again the second I saw him. And not only that, but then he goes and calls my sister. My sister! Sounding all pathetic to the point that he actually gets the one person who is the most annoyed with him to feel bad and stick up for him. Sadie felt the need to call me in order to tell me how she thinks Tommy may have changed. It's like hell has frozen over and there are pigs flying there. Which may explain why I let him do this to me again, come to think of it."

"Are you still drunk, Jude?" Rory asked out of the blue. "Because this touchy feely crap is not like you at all."

"Fuck you," Jude said, standing up. "Get out of my house."

"Touchy," Rory teased but he did stand up. "Listen, Jude. I think you'll figure it out yourself eventually, but I want to save you some time. You need to let him go. Let him go for your own good. Relationships are never good for anything but writing material, and you, Jude Harrison, are talented enough not to need some doomed relationship to keep you churning out the hits. So let him go."

Jude stared at him in shock as he gave her a small nod and headed out the door. Rory was a complete dick most of the time, but it seemed like he did actually have a human side. She got up and walked upstairs to her bedroom again. The whole time Rory's words were echoing in her head. What was it that was keeping her from letting Tommy go? She knew what an idiot she had been. She knew that as much as she missed him, she would still have her music. She knew that she should do this.

The mattress shifted under her weight as she sat down on her bed and reached for her cell phone. It didn't really surprise her to see that she had no messages. She had been through this enough times to know that Tommy was not going to call. It was always abandonment or grand gestures with him. Just once she didn't want a stupid grand gesture from him. She wanted a bunch of small gestures that happened each day for years. Because that was what she really wanted. She wanted Tommy in her life for years to come and she wanted to not be scared at every turn that he was going to leave her once more.

Tommy's whole life had been full of big moments. He left an abusive home. He made the decision to join Boyz Attack. He made the decision to walk away from Boyz Attack. He chose to stick with her and believe in her when he really didn't even know her. He finally admitted that he loved her after coming to terms with the death of the last woman he loved. He left her to care for his sick mother and reentered a life that was so unfamiliar to her.

Maybe no one had taught him that you can communicate how you feel without making a big gesture out of it. Maybe he had never realized that he didn't know how to love in the day to day. Maybe he didn't even know how important a small gesture of love was.

A part of Jude had always known that Tommy could never give her those small gestures. It was that little part of her that was finally giving her the courage to speak up. It was that little part that had her pressing speed dial number one and listening as it went straight to voicemail. She couldn't help but smile at the familiar message. Only Tommy would have a recording that simply said "Quincy" and then beeped.

It took three calls before she could actually get up the nerve to talk after the beep.

"Hi, Tommy. It's me. Jude. But I guess you probably knew that. I'm not sure what to say really. I thought I would be okay with this. I thought that I could do this. I thought that it didn't matter how long it would take. I could wait for you." She took a deep breath. This was the hard part. "I don't know what changed, Tommy, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of the what ifs. I need to move on. I need you to let me move on."

Jude paused to wipe the tears that were falling down her face. The words were suddenly caught in her throat and she started to wonder if she could actually do this. That voice deep in her heart assured her that she had to do this. "So, please don't call me, Tommy Don't write me. Don't track me down again. Things will get better that way. The pain will start to dim and we'll both move on. " Jude's voice cracked slightly. "You'll always be in my heart, Tommy Q. I just can't have you in my life."

Jude snapped her phone shut and managed to run those last words through her head a few times before laying down. She had done it. Now all she wanted to do was sleep off the pain. Then maybe she could wake up and finally do what she should have done long ago.

She was going to live her life without Tom Quincy no matter how hard her heart broke.


	7. Why

Tommy stepped off the plane and immediately pulled his phone from his pocket. No messages. Maybe he wasn't far enough into the terminal to start getting a signal again because he knew Jude. She was going to call the second she got his note. She was the one person in his whole life who believed in him unconditionally. That wasn't going to change now.

He checked it again once he stepped from the walkway into the airport and once more as he walked down to baggage claim. Still nothing.

"Yo, Tommy."

Tommy looked up from his phone to see Kwest standing in front of him. Laughing, he gave his old friend a hug. It had been too long since he last saw him. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm doing a favor for Darius."

"You still owe him?" Tommy asked. "You've been off his payroll and working at NBR for months now."

"Darius still calls me in for some freelance production work even though I'm not with the G Major label. I owe him pretty big for a rock band whose debut album he let me produce. That album got my name out there in a major way and got me noticed by the right people so I told Darius if he needed anything, I'd be there. Apparently what he needed was a chauffeur."

"Why does no one ever listen to me when I tell them to stay away from Darius Mills?" Tommy shook his head. "You do realize that you're going to spend the next some odd years doing little favors for him. The best you can hope for right now is that Darius's favors doesn't interfere with whatever you're doing at NBR."

"You've always been way too paranoid, man," Quest said with a chuckle. "Is this baggage thing ever going to start moving?"

Tommy laughed, slapping Kwest on his back. Some things never changed. "You just have to be patient," he suggested, as he looked down at his cell phone again.

"All right. Out with it, Quincy. Explain to me why you keep looking at your damn cell phone every few seconds."

"I'm expecting a call from Jude."

Kwest raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Jude? As in Jude Harrison? As in the girl who broke off your engagement in the middle of her concert? The girl who took your heart, ripped it out of your chest, stomped on it, put it back in your chest, only to rip it out again? The girl-"

"-that I love?" Tommy interrupted. "The girl I can't live without? Yeah, that Jude."

"Something you want to tell me?"

"Later. Right now I want to figure out why my cell still isn't picking up any reception."

"They expanded the dead zone in the airport. I think it was some new security measure to combat terrorism. You won't get a signal until we're out of this place." Kwest cleared his throat. "So are you going to ask about her?"

For a second, Tommy wasn't sure who Kwest was referring to. He knew that only he and Sadie knew what was going on with Jude and it made no sense to him to ask Kwest for information on how Jude was holding up now that he let her down for the billionth time. Then it dawned on him to who Kwest was referring. He quietly swore at himself. How many times was he going to let his selfishness hurt those around him?

"Hailey was pretty messed up, man," Kwest informed him.

"You were there?"

"I'd been working with one of the G Major artists a few days a week for the past month or so. If you weren't so out of it, you would have known that. I happened to be in studio when Hailey stumbled in. She looked like she had been through hell and back. Her hair and makeup was a mess. She had some cuts on her arms and what thankfully didn't turn into that large of a shiner. She kept saying that she didn't know what to do so she came back to Toronto."

"She was that screwed up?"

Kwest nodded. "A complete wreck. I've never seen a girl look that scared. Apparently she had gone to Jude's big birthday bash. She met a guy that offered to introduce her to some record label VIPs. Stupid girl hasn't been in this industry enough to realize that everything you're told is pretty much bullshit."

"Shit," Tommy muttered, rubbing his forehead. "So what happened?"

"The creep had her all the way outside and into a nearby parking lot before she realized something was up. Hailey said she freaked out. There was a struggle, but she managed to kick the guy where the sun don't shine. She ran off and tried to call you."

"My cell phone didn't get reception in the building."

Kwest slapped his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Dude, you have got to get a new phone."

"I know," Tommy agreed. Noises filled the air around him as the baggage carousel finally started moving. "Before my phone cut out, I told Hailey not to move," he said, picking the conversation back up.

"And she listened. Hailey didn't move from where she was hiding for a few hours after she got cut off from you. She only moved when she heard people coming out of Bermanze as Jude's party ended. She made her way back to the hotel but she said you never showed up."

Tommy nodded. "I was in the hospital."

"Do not tell me you got another drunk and disorderly arrest on your hands."

"Really, man? Why does no one believe me when I say I'm past that part of my life?" Kwest shrugged. "I got mugged in an alley outside the studio. Some guys found me and I got taken to the hospital. If I was conscious, I wouldn't have abandoned Hailey in the middle of London after knowing how scared she was. I'm not that big of an asshole."

Kwest nodded. That sounded a lot more like Tommy than what Darius had told him. Darius was under the impression that Tommy had gone on one of his legendary benders and forgotten all his responsibilities.

"So how'd she get back to Canada?" Tommy asked as he reached down to grab his duffel bag.

"She was scared when you didn't show up the next day so she cashed in her ticket at the airport to get an immediate flight."

"But she still had weeks left for her tour. Sadie and Darius must be pissed."

"They are, but it helps that they have a sympathetic story to tell all the people whose bookings they have to cancel. Plus she was pretty clear proof that there was no way the tour could have gone on."

"So how's Hailey doing now?"

"She's still a complete wreck. Darius gave her one of his body guards on loan to help her feel safe, but I think she's still pretty freaked out about the disappearing act you pulled. She's refusing to go into the studio even though her album's due in a few weeks and she's still missing at least a couple tracks to round it out. Just add her name to a long list of women who care about you to their own detriment."

Tommy swore. He should have been there. Hailey was his responsibility. He had accepted that obligation when he told Darius he would produce her. He was supposed to watch out for her at all costs and he failed her. He wasn't there when she needed him most. It seemed like that was a regular problem with him.

God. He didn't want Hailey to be just another screwed up relationship. He thought he was doing everything right with this one. His successful friendship with Hailey coupled with his ability to redeem himself with Jude was supposed to prove to everyone once and for all that Tommy Quincy was a decent person. "What did you do when she refused to record?" Tommy finally asked Kwest.

"Don't worry. I channeled my inner Tommy Q for you. I told her that horrible things have happened to artists for as long as music has existed. Then I asked her if she knew the difference between an artist who records and a recording artist."

"What'd she say?"

"Nothing which is why I told her the answer was simple. A recording artist is the one that accepts that horrible things happen to her and decides that she's going to use it. She's going to use all these horrible things to make herself a stronger artist."

"She started writing again, didn't she?"

"Yeah, she did." Kwest gave himself a congratulatory smile that made Tommy roll his eyes. "Now let's get going. I managed to talk the label into getting me one of those really fast cars you love so much."

Tommy and Kwest were just starting to joke about how much yelling Darius was going to do when Tommy's phone finally gave the beep he was waiting for. He was right to think Jude called when he was in flight.

Kwest watched Tommy smile as he pressed the phone to his ear, but that smile quickly faded when he heard Jude's voice and the message she left him. Tommy stopped walking in the middle of the airport parking garage and Kwest was forced to follow suit. He stood in silence watching his friend's whole face lose its color and he could see his hand begin to shake where it held the phone. "Tommy?"

"She finally realized," Tommy said, staring down at the ground.

"What do you mean?"

"Jude. She finally realized that I'm not good for her."

Kwest laughed. "Yeah right. You and Jude, as crazy messed up as you two, are about the most perfect pair I have ever seen." The look on Tommy's face made Kwest cut his laughter short.

"She said it herself. She thought that she could wait for us to get our act together but she can't. She told me not to call her. She said she was letting me go and that things would be better that way."

"Doesn't that mean it's time for you to get on that white horse and swoop in to change her mind?"

"No." Tommy looked just as surprised by his answer as Kwest was. After a moment's pause, he started walking again. Kwest had to hustle to keep up with him.

Tommy didn't say another word until he was in front of the car. "It's time for me to give her what she wants for once. She said she needed to move on, and I'm going to let her. I always knew that she would be better without me. That's why I fought so hard not to love her. I didn't want to bring her down."

"That's complete bullshit, Tommy, and you know it," Kwest interjected as he clicked the locks open on

the car. Tommy shook his head, sliding into the passenger's seat.

They drove in silence for most of the way to G Major. Kwest felt that was mainly due to the face he had no idea what to say to Tommy. He had never been the one to pick up the pieces when Tommy and Jude had one of their fallouts. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say and what he wasn't.

Kwest started running through the list of names in his head of all the people better qualified to be in this moment. He managed to come up with the twentieth name on that list right when he pulled off the highway. As he took a right turn at the end of the road, Tommy started speaking again almost as if the conversation had never stopped.

"Why does she always do this to me?" Tommy's question hung in the air. He didn't think Kwest would have an answer or even really understand the question, but he felt he had to say it. "It isn't supposed to hurt this much. I've been in serious relationships before. Even when Angie died, it didn't hurt like this."

"You said it yourself back when Jude was turning sixteen. You've never met a girl that gets you like she does. It's hard to let that kind of thing go."

"I know she's making a mistake just like I've known that every stupid thing I've done to drive apart was a mistake. I can't keep reassuring her, though. At some point, what we have between us needs to stand on its own two feet if we're going to survive." Tommy shook his head as he stared out the window. "I really thought we had it right this time."

"What happened?" Kwest asked.

"I don't know. I guess I never will because regardless of what I know in my heart, I'm just supposed to let our relationship self-destruct." Tommy fell back into silence. He kept replaying her words over and over in his head. Even more than that, he kept replaying how her voice sounded as she shattered his whole world. If there was one thing Tommy knew, it was what Jude sounded like when she was trying not to cry. She was just as upset about this as he was.

As Kwest pulled into the alley behind G Major, Tommy asked himself for the millionth time just where they had gone wrong.


	8. Love With a Stranger

"What the hell happened to you, Jude?"

Jude opened one eye to see a man standing over her bed, but it was too bright and she was too tired to care. "Go away," she mumbled. She waited a moment before peeking out again to see that her room was empty. Deciding she must have been having a half-asleep, half-awake hallucination, she pulled her covers tight around her body and let out a sigh.

The next thing she knew she was flying through the air. Her butt hit the ground with a painful whack and her head smacked back against the bed. She stared at her producer in painful surprise. Her hand came up to rub the back of her head. She already had a large goose egg. "What the hell, Max?"

Max bent down and grabbed her cheeks. He jerked her head first to one side than the other. "I'm just checking to make sure that you're the Jude Harrison I signed up to work with."

Jude just narrowed her eyes at him. "What the hell are you doing in my flat at this hour? I'm trying to get some sleep so I can go to that meeting thing you set up with the PR Team and the CEO of Bermanze. You know the one you've been reminding me about all week?"

"Newsflash, rockstar. You missed the meeting. In fact, it's six o'clock in the evening."

Brushing her hair out of her eyes, Jude looked over at the clock on her nightstand. 6:38. "Crap," she mumbled. She tried to get to her feet, but the whole room started spinning.

"Don't bother getting up, Harrison. I can let myself out."

"Max! Wait!" she yelled, struggling to her feet. "Tell me how bad I screwed up."

"Well, because of my smooth talking, you still have a record contract so you're welcome. However, you're going to have to do a lot more PR appearances for the label to make up for it, and that is really not helpful right now when we're just starting your fifth album."

"I'm sorry," Jude whispered.

"Not as much as I am," Max said, sitting down on the bed. "What the hell is up with you, Jude?"

"What do you mean?"

Max let his eyes move around her bedroom. His eyes fell on the pile of takeout containers sitting on the floor next to his bed, moved to the pile of dirty laundry by the door, and finally rested on the wineglass sitting on her nightstand. "I thought you said that you weren't going to drink last night."

"I lied," Jude said. "I also said that I wasn't going to go out, but that was a lie, too."

Max reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He never though this particular artist would be the one to send him to an early grave, but if Jude kept on the way she was, he was definitely in trouble. "Jude, we've talked about this. You can't afford to live such a wild lifestyle right now. Bermanze loves you, but they have a very fickle kind of love. If you make one slip up, they'll terminate that lovely contract they gave you on your birthday."

Jude nodded. She knew what could happen. That didn't mean she could make herself care.

"You've been acting unlike yourself for weeks now. What the hell happened?" Max paused, wondering if she might actual answer the question now that he had asked it for a third time.

"My heart shriveled up and died," Jude said with an over the top smile.

Max growled loudly, fighting the urge to reach out and shake some sense into her. "I expect you to be on time tomorrow, Harrison. We have Studio B reserved from nine am until about five. Don't screw this up. It took a lot of pulled strings to get you on the schedule for the studio with the best acoustics. Promise me no drinking and no partying for one night. You need to stay in and get rid of every single ounce of that hangover."

"I promise," Jude said, holding up her pinky. "I double, triple, quadruple swear."

"I don't believe you," Max said. A familiar worry found its way to the pit of his stomach. He knew from friends that Jude was drinking heavily almost every night these days and partying just as hard as she drank. He had been around the block enough times with artists to know that the next step was drugs. He was concerned that he wasn't paying enough attention to how far Jude was sinking and therefore wouldn't be able to help her in time. Max let his eyes drift down to her bare arms. There were no track lines yet, but that might be because she was already good at hiding it. "Do you even want this anymore?"

"Want what?" Jude asked, laying back down in the bed and shutting her eyes.

Max sighed. "When I agreed to work with you, Jude, you had such a burning need to get your music out there. It felt like you had something important to say and if you didn't get it out, you would burn up inside. Those are the very words you used during the first meeting you had at Bermanze. They stayed with me all this time. I'm worried that you've lost that drive, Jude." Silence filled the room. "Jude?"

Max shifted on the bed to see that Jude was curled up in her blankets, fast asleep again. Sighing, he leaned over and ruffled her hair. She could still be such a child sometimes. He only wished he knew what to do to help her. All he could think to do right now was force her back into the music as best he could.

Music had saved quite a few artists who were heading towards self-destruction. He only hoped it could save Jude Harrison.

Jude popped her eyes open the second she heard her flat door slam shut. She was getting so tired of dealing with Max and his constant disapproval. This was her life, not his. If she wanted to make mistakes, then she would. Besides, the album was coming along just fine. She had several songs in her head that would fit great with the tone Max wanted for her fifth studio work. She just had to figure out a few things first before putting the music down on paper for him to see. Sighing she turned over to look at the clock again. Max should know better than to push her to start recording. The music never turned out like it should when she felt like she was on some sort of timetable.

Jude shut her eyes and tried to push all thoughts of her fifth album out of her head. Sadly, that left a portion of her mind open to think of things even worse than all the pressure Max was putting on her.

The memory of Tommy flooded her from all directions the second she let her guard down. She wished she could say that her heart still ached for him, but all she felt these days was a cold dull nothing.

Jude pulled her pillow down over her head. This had been what she wanted. She no longer felt the pain of losing Tommy. She wasn't pinning for him. She barely felt anything.. Sighing, she let herself think about what had happened. The memories no longer ate her up inside like they once did.

Tommy hadn't tried to contact her in any way since she left him that voicemail. He left her free to move on with her life. In the beginning, when she was still able to feel her heart breaking, she had tried to get Sadie to tell her how Tommy was doing, but Sadie refused to play that game. A few times, Jude had worn her down enough for Sadie to admit that she didn't see much of Tommy these days. Apparently he had finished producing all the albums on his docket and then disappeared. Sadie said he was still on G Major's payroll. He just wasn't physically around anymore.

Jude made a disgusted face. She was so tired of this bullshit. Rolling over, she slapped her hand on the table to grab her cell phone. It took her several tries but she eventually managed to grab it without opening her eyes. She did need to open one eye slightly to dial. The number was becoming really familiar to her, but she still refused to program it into her phone. The second she did that, she would have to admit that she was addicted to this stupid lifestyle.

"Harrison! I just left you a few hours ago. What do you want?" Rory's voice registered way too loud. The pounding headache she had started to feel the second Max woke her up was still there.

"Where's the party tonight?" Jude asked.

"You never slow down, do you?"

"Slowing down makes me start to think. I don't want to think right now. Right now I just want to live."

"You are so damn poetic that it hurts."

"And you are such a jackass," Jude shot back.

Rory had gotten to know Jude enough to recognize when she was only doing what she had to do. These days, Jude Harrison was a staple of the party scene. She partied until all hours of the night, pretended to make progress in the recording studio if she didn't choose to sleep that particular day away, and then called one of her many friends to find out when the next party would be. She was hiding from something or someone, but it wasn't his place to figure out what that was. He figured it was still that old producer/boyfriend she was always whining about, but he really didn't care. "Get out of bed, Harrison. Get a shower and by the time you're ready to go, I'll be at your flat."

Jude snapped her phone shut and tossed it on the bottom of the her bed. She debated going back to sleep until Rory showed up, but then she remembered what had happened last time Rory had come over to find her sleeping instead of ready to go. He had turned around and walked right back out the door, leaving her alone with herself and all her thoughts. That night was the closest she had ever come to calling Tommy and admitting that she made a mistake.

Her bathroom looked like a disaster zone with beauty products and dirty clothing thrown everywhere. Jude vowed to clean it sometime tomorrow as she stepped into the shower.

By the time she got out of the shower and threw on a glittery shift dress, she could hear Rory climbing the stairs. "You forgot to lock the front door," he said, flinging himself down on the bed and then immediately scrunching up his nose, "and do your laundry for the past month."

"Shut up," Jude said, rolling her eyes. Rory had been here at least every other day for the past few weeks, and the room hadn't gotten magically worse overnight. "Sit tight while I finish my make-up."

"Go with the smoky eyes," Rory suggested. "I got some friends at this bash and they like a woman looking like she just rolled out of bed."

"I don't want to meet a guy," Jude insisted.

"Yeah, I know. You're miss non-emotion these days. Didn't anyone ever tell you that the best way to get over a break-up is to have lots of meaningless sex with lots of meaningless people?"

"I don't need to get over a break-up. I'm fine."

"Liar."

Jude stuck her tongue out at Rory. She stared down at the makeup in front of her and picked up her black eyeliner. She wasn't following Rory's advice. It just so happened that smoky eye makeup went well with the dress she picked out. "Have you heard from Carlee lately?"

Rory laughed. "Rumor on the street is that the guy she met last night whisked her off to Cancun or Cabo or somewhere tropical. Bermanze is pissed considering she needs to be starting a small venue tour to drum up awareness and popularity. That girl is not like you and me."

"What do you mean?" Jude asked, coming out of the bathroom and walking over to her closet.

"Well, you and I know how to have fun, but it stops right there. We can still deliver the goods, know what I mean?"

Jude's mind went right to the meeting she had missed earlier that day and the fact that she had no solid tracks for her album yet. "Definitely. You and me, total pros."

"Carlee can't separate her co-dependency issues from her music. She'll pick running away with the dreamy guy she met in the bar over a brilliant concert any day of the week. That's what will hold her back from really breaking through."

Jude finally decided on her motorcycle jacket and yanked it off its hanger. "All right. Enough with the psychoanalysis. Let's get this party started."

As always, Rory did not disappoint her in his party selection. The party for tonight was being held by Keeley Craig, the current president of new music at EMI, one of the UK's biggest record labels. Jude was surprised at how much Rory continued to shop his talent around despite being signed to Bermanze. Of course, there were benefits to his constant need to keep his eyes open for the next better thing such as invitations to parties such as this. I

Tonight, it appeared like there was an additional perk. Rory had arranged a limo for them to arrive in. Of course the paparazzi picked right up on that. Only the important people bothered to show up in style like this.

Jude paused with Rory for a few pictures and then entered the warehouse on the shores of the Thames. He led her straight to the bar without having to be asked. Everyone had their own party style, and it hadn't taken long to pick up on Jude's. She liked to start a party at the bar and end a party at the bar. All the in between times were spent drinking the drinks that men bought her.

"Two vodkas neat," Rory said to the bartender the second they got past the crowd. He got quite a lot of dirty looks from those around him for skipping the queue, but he didn't care. You have to announce your presence immediately at these kinds of parties or else you were lost in the crowd.

Jude sat down at the bar and focused on the drink in her hand. She and Rory always came to these things together, but they seldom stayed together long. He was here to network and she was here to… well, to be honest, she was never entirely sure why she was here. It might have been to try to forget or to live the life of a rockstar. She wasn't really sure. She just knew that if she kept going, then she wouldn't have to worry about how numb she felt to the world.

"Harrison, wake up!"

Jude turned to see that Rory was still beside her and he had another man standing with him. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

"This is my former agent, Evan. Evan, Jude here is one of Bermanze's imports."

"I know who Jude Harrison is," the man next to Rory said. He held out his hand, and when she placed hers in his, he turned her palm down and kissed her hand lightly. "You seem to be making quite a splash over on this side of the Atlantic."

"Thanks," Jude said. She turned to Rory and gave him her fakest smile. She was going to kill him later for doing this.

"I'm going to go say hi to some people," Rory whispered, sliding past Jude with ease.

Watching Rory walk away, Jude wondered if maybe it would be easier just to kill him right now. She had told him very clearly that she didn't need to be put in these situations.

"Let me get you another…"

"Vodka," Jude filled in. "With none of the fancy stuff to take off the edge."

"Vodka straight up, it is," Evan said, signaling the bartender. "And keep them coming, right?"

Jude nodded, giving him a second look. He must have been paying attention to her sometime before this moment. Otherwise, he never would have made a comment that implied she liked to keep the drinks flowing. Women generally get insulted when you imply they're a lush. She settled back on the bar stool and gave Evan a smile. If this guy was willing to buy her drinks, then she could make a little harmless small talk. "So, Evan, you're an agent?"

"Nothing major," he insisted. "Just a few television stars, recording artists, and one editorial model. I'm working my way up through the agency. If I manage my cases well, they give me more high profile ones."

"Sounds exciting," Jude said, sipping her vodka.

Evan laughed lightly. "You don't have to lie to be polite. I know my job is far from exciting or glamorous, but it pays the bills and gets me into parties just like this. For now, that's enough."

Jude smiled and kept the conversation as much on the surface as she could. She figured she could get another drink out of this guy before becoming bored and politely excusing herself.

This was the worst part of these parties. The beginning hour or two was all networking and small talk and marketing yourself in the right light. She didn't care for any of that. She had made a name for herself in the industry by letting her music speak for itself. She had plenty of devoted fans who would help increase the spread of her music, and that's all she really needed. Sighing, she turned her attention back to the man who still talking about his job.

Jude knew that she must be having a lucky night when after five torturous minutes, Evan was interrupted by a call on his cell phone. She took the opportunity to thank him for the drinks and excuse herself to the ladies' room. This was her favorite excuse to use since no one could really refute nature calling, but it turned out this time it was actually the truth.

The bathroom was packed as always. A lot of times at these things, the loos was where the real action happened. Jude pushed past the gossiping women to get into a stall. The women's voices echoed off the walls.

Jude wished she could say that she didn't love to eavesdrop on the gossip. It was amazing how this one little room felt so private that women would just talk about anything and anyone without remembering that strangers could hear every word.

"Did you remember me talking about my friend Sharnae?"

"The one who got a job working for some tiny label in Canada?"

"Yeah. She said she wanted to 'get back to basics' or some shit like that. Apparently working at EMI began to be too much of a career and not enough of a passion." The girl paused to laugh. "Anyway, she met this hotshot producer who used to be in some late 90's boys bands and they've been shacked up in his apartment for two weeks now. She said she has him wrapped around her finger so much that he's been phoning in all his work. She is so good at finding men to live off. It's ridiculous."

It would have been nice if Jude didn't immediately wonder if they were talking about Tommy. Her head was screaming at her that there was no possible way that she just happened to be in a bathroom in London at the very second two strangers were discussing the life of her ex-boyfriend in Toronto. This was real life, not a movie. Yet she felt a small tug on her heart as she wonder if it really wasn't so far fetched.

That little tug scared the hell out of her.

"I need another drink," she mumbled to herself, pushing out of the stall and walking over to the sink. It was hard but she forced herself to stop listening to the two gossiping women. She reminded herself that she didn't really care if they were talking about Tommy or if it was just some huge coincidence. She was supposed to be living the carefree life right now.

Jude thrust her way past the women still milling about the bathroom and walked out into the party again. Her eyes immediately caught on Evan, who was still standing at the bar where she left him. She definitely did not want to go back into that again. The small talk almost killed her the first time.

Instead, Jude walked straight onto the dance floor and right up to a group of men who were already drunk enough to be dancing. She took the drink right out of the hands of the nearest guy and took a sip. "Whiskey. My favorite."

The men all looked shocked at first, but they warmed to the idea of a pretty blonde intruder rather quickly. Jude let herself surrender to the music.

If she could stop lying to herself for a moment, then she would admit that this is why she kept this up night after night. She was confused about what she was supposed to want, how she was supposed to feel, what she was supposed to be doing. She wanted to feel nothing. She wanted to feel everything. She wanted to feel something. She had been on some foolish quest since she finally cut herself loose from Tommy's hold. She had yet to figure out the answer.

Most nights, dancing was enough to make her feel something. However after about five songs, she realized the only thing she could feel was boredom, a bit of an alcoholic buzz, and parts of these gentlemen that she really didn't want to feel.

Before she could start plotting her exit, the voice of the current DJ interrupted the music. "Things look to be in full swing, ladies and gents, which I think makes this a fabulous time to play an ace little track that happens to be one of the absolute faves of our wonderful hostess. Thanks for the insane bash, Keeley!" It took a few seconds for the music to filter its way to the part of her brain that could still process what was going on through the alcohol.

Apparently, the appeal of Boyz Attack was international.

Something took hold of Jude in a way that hadn't happened yet. There was suddenly a part of her inside that just wanted to either hurt someone or completely let go. Jude didn't even bother to say goodbye to the men she was dancing with. She just walked off the dance floor and started listening in to what others were saying. It didn't take long for her to figure out where the real party was and consequently where she could find Rory.

She ignored the strange looks she got as she pushed through the barrier of bodyguards and assorted entourage members and headed into what she guessed was the VIP area. It vaguely resembled a strip joint with scantily clad women, too much alcohol, and a bunch of rowdy men who thought they could get away with whatever they want. "Rory!" she yelled over the sounds of the party. She ignored the bewildered looks on some of the men's faces as she pushed her way into the small crowd. If they weren't used to having their private parties interrupted, then they obviously weren't used to these types of parties.

After a few moments of searching, Jude spotted Rory through a pair of redheads who appeared to be giving him quite a show. Jude smirked. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything," she said, noticing how disheveled the two women looked.

"I got what I wanted," Rory said, returning the smirk. He waved the two women away and turned his complete attention to Jude. "I'm surprised you could even track me down. Usually by this point you're right smack in the middle of the party, feeling no pain."

"The alcohol's just not working tonight."

"Would like me to help with that, darling?"

Jude bit her lip. Even if she wouldn't admit it, something deep down inside of her knew this was why she had come in here. She wasn't going to pretend otherwise. She was angry. She had been happy and had ruined it just like she always did. She wanted to hurt someone and right now she wanted that person to be herself. Rory had offered to provide her with some pills to help her forget countless times, but she had always refused. The alcohol had always been enough for her.

"Jude?"

She took a deep breath. "What do you have?"

Rory smiled. He knew that he'd eventually wear her down. Maybe now he could take her to some of the really good parties. He took a small bag of little white pills out of his pocket and handed two to Jude. "This should numb you up real nice."

Her immediate thought was she didn't really need to be any more numb than she already was. She only let that slow her for a second, and then she held out her hand.

Twenty minutes later, she was back out on the dance floor. This time, just like last, she found she didn't really care who she danced with or why. The beat of the music pounded in her head and she could really feel it for the first time in a long while. Whatever Rory had given her was just like he promised. It kept her mind stationary and quiet and just let her be numb to the world. Yet there was a part of her that knew she was being a complete fool.

Jude barely flinched when a voice interrupted her thoughts, whispering in her ear, "Party's winding down. Why don't you let me take you home?"

She twisted to look that the man whose hands were on her hips and was surprised to recognize Evan, Rory's friend from earlier. She had been dancing with him for who knows how long without realizing. "Hi."

He gave her an odd look. "Hi."

The music picked up again and Jude did what came naturally. She kept dancing. It only took a few minutes for one of her new dance floor friends to press a drink into her hands. She smiled her thanks and took a sip.

"I really feel like I should take you home," Evan said, making another attempt at being chivalrous.

Jude wasn't sure what made her do it but she leaned in closer to him. "Why don't you take me to your home instead?"

Evan looked surprised at first but then nodded. Jude decided in that moment to give him a second chance. Maybe he could be useful to her. She took his hand and led him back over to the bar. "Hey, Tony! Can I get my coat?" she yelled, motioning at the bartender.

"You're amazing," Evan stated, shaking his head.

"What?" she replied innocently.

"It takes one hell of a girl to make friends enough with the bartender so that he'll be willing to watch your coat when he should be focusing on earning tips."

Jude clutched her motorcycle jacket to her chest. "This thing means a lot to me. If it takes a little flirting with the bartender to keep it safe, then so be it."

Evan helped her into her coat and then slid her hand under his arm. Jude knew that she should probably feel a little skip in her heart at the way he was smiling at her. He was a stunningly handsome man, and for some reason, he seemed enamored with her. But she felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jude tried to use the drive to Evan's flat as an opportunity to figure out what exactly she was supposed to be feeling, but it was no use. The air flowing in through the open window felt fabulous on her face, but it failed to clear her head, not even a little. In a way, she was grateful for that. She didn't want a clear head. What she wanted was to feel something, anything. She wanted emotion, not emptiness. Honestly, she was tired of being numb all the time, but since Tommy had disappeared on her, the closest she came to feeling was confusion.

Above all, she wanted to stop being conflicted. She wanted to decide on who she should be.

Evan took her coat the second they got into the flat. "I promise to keep it safe," he said with a wink.

Jude nodded and let herself do a quick scan of the apartment. It was exactly as she thought it would be, a complete bachelor pad. The whole place was very open with few walls or furniture to divide up the space. She strolled her way past his bookshelves, running her hand along the spins of all the classic literature he obviously bought for show, and sat down on the edge of the bed that was tucked into the corner.

"Do you want something to drink?" Evan offered.

Jude shook her head, sliding back onto the middle of the bed. She held her hand out to him. Evan walked slowly over to her and let her pull him down onto the bed. He looked a little thrown off when she moved onto his lap. "Jude-"

She put a finger on his lips to silence him. "No talking." She leaned in to kiss him. "Just make me feel."

Evan pulled their bodies down onto the bed and tightened his grip on her. His fingers running up and down her spine gave her shivers as he continued to kiss her. It was the first time she had felt all night, and it made her press her body into his more firmly. She craved that sensation more than anything else right now.

Jude finally allowed herself to let go and felt her whole being from head to toe go limp. She was pretty sure that this wasn't how it was supposed to happen but right now she didn't care. She knew despite the numbness she had been feeling, she had a lot of pain stored up somewhere inside. She was willing to do whatever it took just to make it go away… anything to make him go away.

She let the desire to forget take hold for a moment.

When that moment was over, she let the mixture of alcohol, drugs, and exhaustion carry her the rest of the way.

Reality eventually slammed back into her as the quiet buzzing in her head softened. She was lying naked between the sheets in a bed she did not know with a man she barely knew, and it all hit home.

She was a complete stranger to herself.

Jude slipped quietly out of the bed, picking up her clothing and slipping it on as she went. She took her cell phone out of her clutch the second she was in the hallway and called herself a black cab. While waiting on the curb in the pouring rain, she looked down at the time. The hangover was already starting to kick in.

Max was going to kill her.


	9. That Was Us

Tommy slammed the kitchen door behind him and smiled when he saw the cupcakes sitting on the table. Jamie had told him Nana was developing a bit of a crush and apparently that crush was expressed through baked goods. He could definitely handle that. Tommy set his guitar case down so he could grab a cupcake.

Taking off the wrapper and throwing it in the trash, he snapped his case open and grabbed his guitar before moving down into the basement. "Andrews, tell your Nana that I love her," Tommy said as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

Jamie swiveled in his chair to look at Tommy. "It really creeps me out when you say things like that."

Tommy laughed and took the seat next to Jamie. He leaned the guitar against the mixing board and started munching on his cupcake. "So did you listen to the new tracks I laid down last week?:

"They're decent," Jamie admitted after a moment's pause, "but you can do more."

Tommy nodded. Jamie was right. The tracks he had been recording for the past few weeks were just okay and nothing more. They sounded like everything else out there right now which honestly wouldn't get him very far. "Do you have some time right now?"

"It's my day off which is why I'm at Nana's house and not the studio."

Tommy grabbed his guitar and let himself into the recording booth. It had gotten a lot better since Jamie earned enough money to buy some proper soundproofing. "This is a song that's been rattling around my head for over a year now. I don't know if I'll actually end up putting it on the album, but it's kind of key to the inspiration I have going right now. You see, I finally figured out the reason nothing was working. I was missing something in my writing, and it was such a juvenile mistake. I was trying to write good music without really investing any of me into it and without that, you get..."

"Crappy music like Boyz Attack used to make?"

"Exactly."

Jamie felt a sense of relief wash over him as Tommy started tuning his guitar. He had been starting to think Tommy was going to force him to say it out loud. Granted, Tommy himself hadn't actually said it in so many words, but they both knew what he was getting at. All the songs he recorded were pure crap except the ones that had something to do with Jude. "Let's hear it."

Tommy strummed a few chords before starting in on the lyrics. "I tried to change. Tried everything. Like headlights in the rain. Drifting back again. Somewhere out there gathered in the dust. Sometimes I can't remember that was us." Tommy looked up to see Jamie smiling. "The stars divide. Our worlds collide. Surrounded like the air. You were with me everywhere."

Jamie raised his hand, making Tommy pause. "I think I should run tape on this. We can do it choppy for a pre-mix. That way we'll be able to tweak the basic sound to fit the kind of album you want to record. It'll give us a chance to figure out how your new inspiration is going to transform into a nice little CD-shaped package."

Tommy nodded and waited for Jamie to set up the boards. It still surprised him how this kid whom he had known since Jamie was sixteen had become so knowledgeable. Trying to be patient despite his newly found urge to get the music out, he let his mind drift to the other absurdity of this situation. His friendship with Jamie was the last one he had ever imagined happening.

It had all started right after Tommy returned from London. He was in the middle of the final mix of Hailey's album when Kwest made a comment in passing about Tommy having no new project lined up for the first time since he started producing. Tommy decided on the spot that there was a reason for that. He had started producing when his need to leave Boyz Attack coincided with Darius's need to put an end to his solo career. Now that producing was winding to a close, it was only natural that he return to where he was before.

He was going to record a solo album.

"Let's start with the chorus and maybe try it in a minor key," Jamie directed.

Tommy strummed a few chords to build up to the lyrics He let himself think of Jude as he sang the words about all the times that he found himself unable to leave her and how he was in a constant battle to understand if he should just let her walk away. Jamie held up his hand again as he adjusted a few of the levels to clear up the sound.

Tommy had been surprised at how good of a producer Andrews had become. When Jamie started the NBR label, Tommy thought he had no chance. Jamie was a great label rep but he would never be focused or ruthless enough to produce a successful album.

Tommy had been wrong.

NBR had taken off, mainly with the help of Vince Spiederman. Speed's first solo album put NBR on the map, and Jamie's ability to recruit promising new artists kept it there. They had recently expanded their downtown studio to encompass the next two floors above it. Jamie's focus had always been on creating a space for artists to have control of their own destiny and sound. It turned out that focus was a really attractive feature when an artist decided what label they wanted to sign with.

Tommy didn't hesitate when he finally decided to record the solo album that was so long overdue. He got Jamie's number from Sadie, telling her he needed it to discuss some really old issue from when Jamie was with G Major.

To Jamie's credit, he actually heard Tommy out instead of hanging up on him. Tommy explained that he didn't want to record his album with G Major. He knew that at G Major, there would be too many people who expected to have an input. This was his album and he wanted it done his way. He pointed out that if Jamie let him use the NBR facilities, he would require barely any of its resources. He was planning on producing and mixing his own songs so there was no need to tie up an NBR employee in the process.

"Next verse," Jamie said.

Tommy nodded and started in, singing about how much he wanted to change in order to be worthy of her. The song had started out with a focus on how much he fought to be worthy of Jude, but it had morphed into a whole other concept. It had morphed its way to being about how these days he couldn't even remember who he and Jude were together. He could remember that it was something special and that he had loved her more than any other person in his whole life, but he couldn't remember the feeling of being an "us".

"Got it," Jamie yelled, giving a little spin of joy in his chair.

Tommy laughed. Despite knowing they would have to build a working relationship, he never guessed someone he had barely gotten along with years ago would become an actual friend.

When Tommy approached Jamie with his proposition, Jamie had been the one to suggest that they go a step further in keeping control of the album solely in Tommy's hands. He offered to let Tommy use the basement of his Nana's house, the original NBR studio. It hadn't been used for recording since Speed finished his second album.

Tommy realized quickly that it was an honor and a privilege to use this space. It was completely and totally raw and exactly perfect for what he needed. There were no interns or entourages running through the door to deliver messages. There were no PR people telling him that the sound just didn't fit with the image he was supposed to convey. There was no label head putting the pressure on him to record viable, marketable tracks.

There was just him, a guitar, and the music.

"Does the second chorus have an deviations?"

Tommy nodded. "When I wrote it, the lyrics didn't really want to stay the same. It has the same melody but I wrote separate lyrics. It seems like the more I write these songs, the more the words that I need to get out multiply. I want to focus on getting the message out instead of marketing formulaic tracks that may catch on with ease. It's not all about selling high numbers with this one."

"All right then, man with the plan. Let's hear those words you need to get out."

Tommy took a moment to gear himself up. The first three verses were a build-up to this one. This was the one part of the song where he didn't try to be poetic in getting his message across. He just wrote down the words that were in his head and in his heart.

"Better now than never. Better late than forever. I never meant to waste your time. It doesn't seem to matter. Maybe nothing really matters. Long enough to break it all away." Tommy finished out the verse strong then set his guitar down and exited the booth. "So?"

"I think it might be the first track I've heard that deserves to be on the album."

Tommy smiled and slapped Jamie on the back. "Now I just need about a dozen or so more."

Jamie leaned back in his chair. "You do realize that this song is good, but it's still surface. You're going to need to face some things about Jude if you want this album to be the best."

"It's not about being the best," Tommy admitted, rubbing his face. He had been too focused on composing this song to get a proper night's sleep last night, and he was really feeling it now.

"Then what is it about? Because I think you need to know that."

Tommy took a deep breath. "I think it's about using the music to work my way to a point where I can accept that Jude's gone and figuring out what the hell that even means."

"And with that, I'm going to return to the sound mixing I was doing before you, your cupcake, and your revelation song interrupted me. You keep trying to figure out what the hell it all means."

Tommy rolled his eyes and set his guitar on his knee. He started to play the latest variation on the instrumental song that he had composed a year earlier when he thought he and Jude were on a break and not over. Hailey had suggested he embrace the way the song wanted to be simple and raw so he decided it should be him, his acoustic guitar, and maybe some sort of unplugged drums. The song could support itself without all the flash.

"Thought you finally figured me out," Tommy sung quietly to himself, wincing a little at the stiffness of the lyrics. "But it was just wishful thinking because you have no idea how much you mean to me."

He groaned. Why did everything he tried to write sound so pedestrian? He might as well be singing I loved you and then I screwed it up and now I'm an emotional wreck. At least it would be to the point. Something, he had no idea what, was still holding him back. He was still afraid of letting go.

"It kills me," he whispered to himself.

"Go with that," Jamie interjected, not taking his attention over the mixing board.

Tommy strummed a few chords and took Jamie's advice. "It kills me. All I want is to love you but the words don't come out. I'll find a way. I have to find a way to you."

It took another twenty minutes to fine tune those few lines, but Tommy was finally satisfied that he had a strong chorus to start composing some verses off of. "Can I record this?"

Jamie pointed to a few of the buttons in front of him in response. "You were already recording," Tommy realized.

"I should get co-producing credit for how lost you would be without me," Jamie joked. When Tommy didn't respond with his usual smart-ass comeback, Jamie finally looked up from the boards.

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing with this album?"

Jamie sighed and leaned back in his chair. He figured this conversation was a long time coming. "I can't answer that. Only you can."

"Thanks," Tommy said with a forced grin.

"Since we both know you're not actually talking about your album or even music, let me tell you about this revelation I had a while back. The problem with Jude and I-"

"I really don't want to be talking about you and Jude," Tommy interrupted. That was a topic of conversation that was off limits to their friendship. Jamie had loved the same girl that was the center of Tommy's universe and it hadn't worked out. They all knew that which is why it didn't need mentioning.

"Hear me out," Jamie insisted. "This is important. The reason Jude and I never worked was because I always considered her too selfishly wrapped up in her music. She could never make me a priority in her life. I understand a lot more about that now that NBR is up and running which is probably why Jude and I are still friends. But I think there was one thing I didn't understand about Jude. I always accused her of putting her music first when that was never really the case. You see when I foolishly thought her priority was music, it was really you. Every time she chose music over me, she was really choosing you."

"Jamie, you don't have to do this," Tommy insisted. It was an unspoken code between them that as much as they didn't discuss anything to do with Jamie and Jude's failed relationship, they didn't discuss what had happened two years ago when Jude chose Tommy over Jamie even more.

"No, I think I do. You see, that was the difference in the relationship she had with you. Whenever she chose to put music first in her life, she was also choosing to put you first. In her eyes, the music and Tommy Quincy were one and the same. That's why you're struggling so much right now. You can't figured out how she can give you up but not give up the music."

Tommy couldn't hide the stunned look on his face as Jamie's words hit home. "You really thought about this?"

"I thought that Jude Harrison was it for me for over half my life," Jamie reminded him. "I think I'm going to put a lot of thought into why some wrinkly-frowned, ex-boy band singer could waltz in so easily and take her away from me."

"And what did you decide?" Tommy asked.

"You're her rock in a way that I could never be. Granted you're the shakiest rock I've ever seen but that's the way it's been since the day you showed up in her life. She needs you just as much as she needs music."

"I don't think Jude would agree with you based on the way she left things."

"Jude honestly has no clue what she needs right now. She's gotten herself lost somehow."

"Are you saying that I'm supposed to jump on my white horse and whisk in to save her? Because I think that's the exact opposite of what she wants or needs."

"I don't know," Jamie admitted. "Jude has a way of complicating things. All I know is that sometimes it doesn't matter how many times it takes, there are things in life that you never stop fighting for."

Tommy let the words sink in for a moment before starting to play his guitar again. He couldn't believe that he didn't see it before. Jamie was right. Jude depended on him even when he wasn't around just like he depended on her. No momentary request for him not to contact her was going to change that. The day that Georgia forced the two of them into a recording studio together was the day that both their lives changed.

No matter what they did, there was no going back.

The words started to flow into the music with ease as Tommy committed himself to ignoring what Jude had asked of him. He wasn't planning on showing up at her doorstep again, but he wasn't going to pretend that what he felt for her no longer existed.

He would just have to see where it would take him.


	10. Sober

Jude felt herself snap awake without opening her eyes. Her first thought was the mysterious pounding was in complete discord with the ringing in her head. She tried to ignore it for the first few minutes but it just got louder and more conflicted. Something suddenly clicked as she felt the sunlight creep in through the haze in her head, and she realized the pounding was someone at the door to her flat

Groaning, Jude rolled out of bed. The air was colder against her skin than what she expected, and Jude realized she had slept in her underwear despite her overly cold flat. She must have been too out of it to find clean pajamas last night. Whatever Rory gave her this time was too much.

Jude scooped a t-shirt off the floor and stumbled out of the room. The banging continued as she threw the shirt on and pounded down her stairs. Ripping the door to the flat open, she was about to start screaming when her eyes locked with the man on her doorstep.

"Whoa. Dark Jude."

Jude narrowed her brow in confusion and unconsciously ran her hand through her shoulder-length black hair. "Speed?"

Spiederman's eyes shifted from her face to her body. "Half-naked Dark Jude," he snickered.

"Get in here," Jude said, grabbing a hold of his jacket and yanking him into the flat. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I called and left you like five messages. Where the hell have you been?"

Jude looked over at the front table to see her cell phone and keys sitting there. Picking up the phone, she groaned loudly. She had thirty missed messages which meant her phone had been untouched for at least a couple days without her realizing it. She was doing that more often now that Bermanze was putting the pressure on her for that fifth album. She was so damn tired of hearing all their nagging voices. "Sorry. I've been busy," she lied.

"No problems," Speed said with a smile. He threw his duffel bag down on the ground and set down his guitar case. "Where can I crash?"

"Crash?" Jude said, wondering if she had missed part of the conversation. She was pretty sure she was no longer under the influence, but lately she was never sure.

"I'm in England for my tour. You know, amazing hit album number two? I told Jamie that he could totally cut some corners 'cause I would just stay with you while I'm in the country. NBR has a lot better uses for its funding than seedy hotel rooms."

"I don't have room," Jude said, motioning at her one person flat. It was literally a kitchen, living room, bedroom, and bathroom here. That was why she loved it so much. She didn't want a lot of space that she would have to fill up, especially when she seemed to spend most of her time in the studio. "I mean, I guess you could sleep on the couch but I don't think you'll want to do that the whole time you're in England."

"You have a bed, right?"

"Yeah," Jude said slowly, not sure where he was going with this. "Most people have a bed in their homes."

"Well I'll just stay there," Speed said, flopping down on the previously mentioned couch.

"And where will I sleep?" Jude asked. Speed wagged his eyebrows at her in response. "No. No, no, no, no."

"There's no other option. We could have fixed this if you had bothered to return any of my calls. It's too late to figure out hotel arrangements." Speed stretched out and put his hands behind his head. "You are stuck with me, Harrison, just like old times."

"Fabulous," Jude said, sitting down on the couch next to him. She knew that she sounded annoyed right now, but there was a little part of her that was delighted Speed wouldn't take no for an answer. Maybe he could help her get back on track with the album while he was here. They had been almost as good for each other musically as they had been bad for each other romantically.

A tiny voice in the back of her head also reminded her that it might be nice to have a friend around from before her life got so out of control. Maybe she would be forced to figure out what the hell she was doing.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Speed reached out to tug a lock of her now dark hair. "What's the story behind this, Jude?"

Jude ran her hands self-consciously through it. "I got bored and it felt like time for a change."

"Does it have anything to do with a guy? Because last time you did this was the great break-up with Jamie."

"No, I was just bored," Jude insisted.

Speed stared at her a moment before shaking his head. "Why are you lying to me?"

Jude suddenly remembered why she had done her best to fall out of touch with her life back in Toronto. The people back there knew her too well. She knew that she would never be able to lie to them, and because of that, they would inevitably have opinions about what she was doing to her life. Jude stared down at her hands. She might as well tell him the truth. "I had to dye it black to cover up a mistake I made." Speed waited patiently for her to go on. "I was at a party and apparently had too much to drink. I woke up and my hair was some sickening purple color that's popular over here right now. It would have taken a series of appointments over a month's time to get it back to blonde, and I had a photo shoot the next day. There wasn't much of a choice especially if I didn't want Bermanze to come down on some of the choices I was making. The stylists did what they could, and my PR team spun a story about the new look of Jude Harrison that matches the new tone of her music."

"How is the music coming?"

Jude shrugged, avoiding the question. "Listen. I have to get dressed. There's work I need to do at the studio today. Make yourself at home as much as you want." She was surprised when Speed didn't call out for her to cut the bullshit as she ran up the stairs. Her rushed explanation was anything but convincing.

She paused to look at herself in her bedroom mirror and was pleased to see she was not a total mess. Grabbing an elastic, she pulled her hair out of her face and into a messy ponytail then grabbed a pair of jeans from her closet. She needed to get out of her flat as quickly as possible. Maybe with some distance, she could figure out what to tell Speed when he got around to asking more questions.

"I'll be back late," Jude said as she barreled down the stairs. She felt her heart tug at the sight of Speed passed out on the couch. He had had issues with jet lag since the day she met him. Leaning in, she gave him a small kiss on his forehead before grabbing her leather jack and helmet off the coat rack nearby. She knew he would forgive her for running out on him.

The sky rumbled a bit, and as Jude slid onto her motorcycle, she noticed some severe black clouds rolling in. If the rain would just stay away for one extra hour, then she might be able to get somewhere.

The words of that one stray thought played over and over in her head as she kickstarted the bike. She had only driven her motorcycle a few blocks when a familiar feeling came over her. One extra hour was really just a plea for more time to make changes. It was desperation at its finest. That one final appeal to be given the chance to change so that things can stay the same.

She felt a beat start in her head to go along with her thoughts and began to hum to herself as she pulled in and out of traffic. By the time she reached the studio, she had a few lines already formed.

Doing her best to avoid being noticed by anyone, she slipped into Studio G and was grateful to see someone had left a company guitar behind. Usually she had her own instruments set out but it seems like Max must have put them into cold storage the sixth or seventh time she bailed on him. This studio very obviously wasn't reserved for her any longer. Jude strummed a few chords on the guitar and started to merge the words with the rhythm she had created on the way over.

It didn't come as a surprise when it was two hours later and she had lost sight of the direction she was heading in. This was what had been happening for weeks every time she attempted to work. She found inspiration easily, but the second she tried to make something out of it, it disappeared or shifted into something unrecognizable. For some reason, she let herself believe each time that she could do it. She let herself think that she could push past all the hesitance inside of her and compose a song. All she got for that was bits and pieces of songs that would never be written. There was no cohesiveness to her writing. There was no direction.

Sighing, Jude set the guitar down and shut her eyes. She felt herself wondering what Tommy would tell her to do. The answer was probably something crazy like go out in the middle of the street and compose a song from all the cars honking at her to get out of the way or try to play her guitar left handed to add a raw quality to the music.

"Are you just going to sit there, Bee, or are you going to do something?"

Jude opened her eyes to see Carlee staring at her through the window. It was odd. Jude couldn't remember when her supposed friend had dyed her hair pink, but she could remember taking the piss out of it with total strangers. She had barely spoken to Carlee over the past few months even though they went to all the same parties and hung out with all the same people. It was weird. Back when Jude had first moved to London, the two of them had been two peas in a pod, going out on the town after every show they had. They got into all those crazy situations that Jude had so desperately wanted to experience. It had been fun even if it felt a little fake. Now she didn't know if they were even fake friends. Jude felt like she should smile for the sake of history but couldn't drum up the energy after the double exhaustion of trying to write a song and trying to figure out if they were even friends anymore. "Apparently I'm just going to sit here," Jude finally replied.

"What? Things not flowing today?"

"I'm having a rough day." The words were heavy on her tongue. She was getting tired of keeping up the façade. It would be really nice if she could admit to someone how huge her writer's block was. It would also be nice if, for once, someone wouldn't take all the lies she told at face value. Everything was surface-level for her these days, and it was driving her insane.

"Wow. The great Jude Harrison is actually human."

Jude tried to ignore the resentment in Carlee's voice. She had nothing to do with why Carlee's last album was barely selling any units and had no clue why it seemed like Carlee felt she was to blame.

"Listen. I'm just here to deliver a message," Carlee said. "Your best friend's been looking for you."

"What does Rory want?"

"Apparently the party of the year is happening tonight and he wants his little sidekick along."

"I'll call him," Jude said, hoping that Carlee picked up on the dismissal in her tone. She really did not need this right now.

"You know you're starting to get a reputation here, Bee. You need to watch yourself."

Jude widened her eyes. If she wasn't mistaken, that sounded like a threat. She had no clue when her life had gotten to this point. She had become the type of person who had enemies who wanted to see her fail. Things were different, and the only thing she knew was how worn-out she was from it all.

Grabbing her stuff, Jude prepared to sneak out of the studio. There was not a lot of people around right now which she was grateful for. She didn't want to face the inevitable questions about what was wrong with her and why she couldn't push past whatever it was blocking her.

Jude wasn't surprised when she only made it as far as the elevator before hearing her name. Of course, it was from the mouth of the very last person in the world she wanted to see. "Hi, Max," she said, turning around slowly to face her producer.

Max didn't even pretend to engage in niceties. "Get your ass back into that studio." When she didn't move, he grabbed her arm and started pulling her down the hallway.

"That hurts!" she yelled, trying to yank her arm back.

Max's grip tightened. "I don't care. You are teetering on the line of complete artistic self-destruction here, Harrison. Bermanze needs at least two viable tracks out of you by the end of the week. I assured them that was no problem so you are going to get it together and get in that studio. You are not leaving until I have one full track ready for official production tomorrow. This is not just your livelihood depending on this."

Jude almost tripped over her feet as Max shoved her into one of the studios. She heard a click and realized that he was serious. He had just locked her into the studio. Her fists banged on the door as hard as she could. "Max! Come on."

Max shook his head. "You can lie and pretend all you want, Jude. I know you have a problem. Hopefully you'll be able to work your way through it because right now, you don't have another option. I'll bring you some dinner in a bit. Get to writing."

Jude slammed her jacket and helmet to the floor. It was very demeaning to be treated like a child who was playing hookie from their responsibilities. It wasn't like she was holding back on purpose or anything. "Fine!" she screamed. "You want a track. I'll give you one." Jude cranked the amp up as high as she could go and started singing her way through most of the profanity-laced insults that she knew, directing them towards Max. She even found herself making up some on the spot.

The only problem was it got old rather fast since Max seemed to have really abandoned her to her work.

Jude let out a sigh and decided she might as well get started since Max was serious about this. She shut her eyes and tried to remember the direction she intended to go with the song she started composing earlier.

Max held true to his word, much to the joy of her growling stomach. He came back with food just when Jude thought she was going to collapse from hunger. On top of being a delivery boy, he also stayed for over an hour to help her with the song that just wouldn't gel. Jude complained multiple times that her writing was sounding pedestrian for some unknown reason, but Max didn't seem to care. His job was on the line so he couldn't really be bothered if the song she wrote was complete shit. He was past the point of artistic integrity. He just wanted something, anything, from her.

Five hours later, Jude was exhausted but she had a song. She called Max on his cell phone to let him know she had done what had been asked of her. It wasn't a surprise when he made her perform the song into the phone to prove she wasn't lying.

Maybe there was one person in her life who realized how heavily she was relying on lies these days.

Jude only had to wait five minutes for the security guard to come upstairs and unlock the studio door. Apparently Max had called to have her released once he realized there really was a complete song.

The ride back to her flat was fairly uneventful. There was no further musical inspiration which she was grateful for. She was already embarrassed about the horrible song she had written. She was not in the mood to lose even more of her self-respect by squandering inspiration twice in one day.

Her phone rang just as Jude entered the door. "Rory, you would not believe the day I had," she exclaimed, throwing her keys down.

"I don't care," Rory replied shortly. "Listen. There's a party at Runway tonight. Come or don't come. I don't care if you-"

"Why are you being such a prick?" Jude interrupted. She was not in the mood to dance around the subject with Rory right now. She had had a horrible day and didn't need to start her evening by coddling Rory's bruised emotions.

"Let me guess. You don't remember, do you?"

"Remember what?"

"What you and I did last night."

"I remember you took me to your friend's birthday party. I remember we had our usual fun. I remember you got me home somehow."

"Do you remember that you almost slept with me?" Rory let out a forced laugh. "Do you remember stopping me when things were about to get good and telling me that you couldn't? You seem to be able to sleep with all my friends, Jude, but you can't bring yourself to do the same when it comes to me."

Memories of the night before started flashing through Jude's head. She could remember stopping herself just like he said. It had occurred to her that no matter how desperately she wanted to stay numb to what she was doing to herself, even she had limits. "You called me some pretty rough names."

"You deserved it."

Another memory popped into her head, and Jude felt herself chuckle. "Did I really steal your stash out of your pocket and flush it down the toilet when you walked away?"

"You cost me over three thousand pounds and quite a few paying customers."

Jude heard a creak upstairs and suddenly remembered she wasn't alone in her flat. After the pressure of the day, she had completely forgotten about Speed being there. "I'll pay you back, Rory. I promise."

"I really don't care, Jude. I told you where the party was. Now you know and can go get drunk off your ass and screw some random stranger so that you don't have to remember how much your life sucks." When Jude didn't say a word in response, Rory laughed. "Hit the nail right on the head with that one, didn't I? Listen. Come to the party tonight. There are people who'll expect you to be there. Just do me a favor and keep the name Tom Quincy from coming out of your lips for one goddamn night. Do you think you can do that?"

Jude didn't have a chance to respond. He had already hung up. "Dick," she hissed, staring at the call ended message on her screen. She felt the anger bubble up inside her and chucked her phone against the mirror across from her. It cracked against the corner and fell to pieces on the ground.

Bending down to pick up the pieces, Jude tried to ignore the fact that this was the third phone she had destroyed in as many months. Instead she focused on figuring out how she could possibly go out tonight while avoiding the car crash that was her relationship with Rory these days. She needed the numbness that this life provided but that didn't mean she needed all the drama.

Jude stopped what she was doing as she saw the paper on the floor in front of her. She looked up at the cracked mirror. She had no clue how a takeout menu had gotten shoved up there but it wasn't surprising. These things had a life of their own. Walking to the kitchen, she was about to throw it out when her eyes caught on familiar handwriting. She stared at it for what seemed like forever, a little afraid to believe that the writing was actually there and fairly terrified that if she looked away, it might disappear.

Her hands were shaking as she set the takeout menu down on the counter. She couldn't stop herself. The words quietly slipped from her lips as her fingers ran along the ink. "Jude. I meant everything I said. I love you and I'll come back to you as soon as I can. Tommy."

It came on in a rush. All those feelings of numbness she had been fighting to both feel and avoid since the day Tommy abandoned her fell away in a split second, and she finally felt something real.

She felt her heart break harder and faster than ever before.

Her knees gave out and she sank to the floor. The tears she had been building up for weeks finally started falling. She was so tired of this stupid life she chose to live. She just wanted everything to stop. She wanted the struggle to stop. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

Her life wasn't supposed to be like this.

Jude struggled to breathe as wave after wave of emotion ravaged her body. She couldn't figure out where things had gone wrong. Had it been when she made the stupid mistake of going to New Brunswick to see Tommy and his mother? Was it walking away from him and choosing the life of a rockstar? Maybe she had gone wrong all the way back when she won the Instant Star competition. She had no clue.

All she knew was she was tired of the crying and the regret and the guilt and the numbness.

Jude forced herself to get to her feet, even though all she wanted to do was sit here and never move. She stumbled slightly as she made her way upstairs, but she kept pushing on. This was all she felt like she had right now, the ability to push emotions to the side and try to keep moving one step at a time.

For a second, seeing Speed asleep in her bed made Jude forgot all the thoughts and emotions crashing around in her head, but then the moment faded. She didn't even bother to change her clothes or pull back the covers. She just slid onto the bed and laid her head on the pillow.

"Jude?" Speed's voice went from half-asleep to worried almost immediately. "Jude? What's wrong?"

"I don't know how my life got so messed up," she whispered, wiping a tear off her cheek.

Speed gave her a small smile. "Your life's not messed up, Harrison."

"Yes, it is." Jude tried to keep it at just that. She didn't want to unload on Speed when he was here as a guest and as a friend. He had no clue the hornet's nest he put himself right in the middle of by showing up on her doorstep.

Jude managed only to breathe a few times before the words fell from her lips. "I've let things get out of control. I've been so focused on being numb and trying not to feel the pain that I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm supposed to be writing my fifth album and I can't even get myself to write more than three lines of one damn song. Since my last album started selling so well, Bermanze expects me to be the new rising star, but they don't get it. The last album was so easy for me to write. I used everything I was feeling to make those songs. It was how I dealt with leaving Tommy behind and how much I missed him. It was coming to grips with how scary it is to finally be on my own and free. I was my own person for the first time in my life."

Speed nodded. "It was a good album."

"But now I'm just a complete wreck. Every single thing I'm feeling, I wouldn't wish on any other person in the whole world. Kind of makes it hard to write a song about it."

Speed reached out and grasped her hand that was laying on the pillow. "That doesn't sound so bad."

Jude felt herself start to cry again. She wished she was like Speed and could just make a joke whenever life got too serious, but she couldn't do it. She was the one who guilted and angsted her way through each day no matter what. "You don't understand. I made the choice to come to London, live the life of a rockstar, and because of that, I've forced myself to let go. I'm out every night until the sun comes up at random parties. I'm doing things that I spent the majority of my life disgusted by, but I make myself do them because if I don't, what was the point of ruining the life I had back in Toronto?"

Silence filled the space between them, and Jude braced herself for his reaction. She looked up to see Speed smiling down at her. "You can always come home. We're all still there and that will never change. Whenever you're ready."

Jude felt herself laugh despite the tears that were still cascading down her cheek. She moved in closer to give Speed a hug. She had been so scared when he showed up this afternoon, seeing as she had no clue how her new London life could possibly fit in with her old life in Canada.

She should have known there was no reason to worry.

The tears slowly stopped, and she could feel herself start to calm. For a moment, she felt like she could hang on for just a little while longer.

"Can I ask you something, Jude?"

Jude opened her eyes and smiled. "Yes?"

"When did you get the tattoo?"

Jude followed Speed's eyes down to where his hand held hers. She was surprised he had even noticed. The small tattoo of a star on her finger was barely noticeable in the daylight, let alone in the middle of the night. "I got it right after my birthday. It was a drunken mistake, but I kind of like it. It's a reminder of where I got started from."

"And it reminds you of him, "Speed said since he knew she wouldn't. Jude nodded.

They fell into silence again, and Jude felt herself slowly falling asleep. "Speed?"

"Yeah, Jude?"

"Thanks for being a pain in the ass."

"Anytime," Speed said, smiling as Jude snuggled in closer to him.


	11. Gravity

Tommy crossed his arms on the edge of the mixing board and leaned his head down. Last night had been a little rough. It was ages since he let himself go out with his friends. If he was being honest, he had actually been a little scared of how it would go. His group of friends had shifted over the last year or so. It used to be him and people from the industry meeting getting together for wild nights on the town. Now it was a different group of people, a group that made him afraid that if they all got together, it would feel like they were missing a piece.

Jamie, Sadie, Speed, Hailey, Kwest, Wally, Kyle.

There was one person that connected them all.

Tommy figured they had all been a little relieved when the elephant in the room turned out to be more of a chihuahua. Jude wasn't there. She hadn't been there for quite awhile. In her absence, they managed to build friendships that had no connection to her. Now since she was conveniently five time zones away, they had all become distanced from Jude and the way that she used to be the cornerstone to all of them.

Life went on. Tommy realized that now. He also realized that it was nice to have friends that weren't the typical superficial music business kind. That was probably why last night he stayed out too late and agreed to a few extra drinks at the rehearsal space. Now he was feeling the pain.

"Darius is so pissed at you."

Tommy opened an eye to see Hailey plop into the chair next to him. "I've barely been back a week. That's not possible."

Hailey gave him a meaningful look then threw a rolled up magazine at him. "Check it out, hot shot."

Tommy straightened up and looked down to see the charts for the previous week. "What am I supposed to be looking at?"

"Number seventy-two." His eyes scanned the page until he found what Hailey was talking about.

Tom Quincy. "The Beautiful". Number seventy-two on the top 100 singles chart.

"Wow," Tommy said. He continued to stare at the words as he leaned back in his chair.

"Darius wants to know why one of his hottest G Major producers is bringing business to another label."

"Well, if he wants to keep one of his hottest producers, he'll get over it and focus on keeping the artists he already has such as the immensely gifted yet slightly annoying Hailey Adams."

Hailey punched his playfully in the arm. "I come in here to congratulate you, and you just insult me."

Tommy smiled at her as he played with the edges of the magazine and then set it down on the mixing board. Hailey was a bit of a local celebrity these days with the success of her first album, but she was already focusing on a second album instead of the fame. He was glad to see that his instincts had been right. In the end, she had turned out to be a musician through and through. The fame was nice but it didn't matter that much to her anymore. "Nice haircut, champ," Tommy said, reaching out to pull a lock of her now short hair. "Felt the need for a change?"

"Someone told me that all Tommy Quincy's artists do a image overhaul when they start their second album."

Tommy rolled his eyes. He knew that he never should have told Hailey all those stories about Jude. She always took the opportunity to make reference to them. It was odd. For someone whom she had never met, Hailey had really come to idolize Jude.

At least Hailey had exhibited some self-control and fought the urge to dye her hair blond. Tommy had no clue what he would of done with that.

"Go away," Tommy grumbled half-heartedly.

Hailey smiled and stood up. "Two weeks, Quincy, and then we're going to be back in the studio, right?"

"Right," Tommy said with a smile. "I'm almost done with the fee negotiations."

"Good. You promised me that I could have you for another album. I don't want to have to hurt you if it turns out you lied." She reached out to grab the magazine and throw it at Tommy's head. He laughingly dodged her throw and was about to pick it up to throw back at her when his eyes caught on a familiar face.

Hailey followed his gaze and swore under her breath. "Crap. I forgot that was in there." She went to grab the magazine first, but Tommy swatted her hand out of the way, picking it up himself. He couldn't tear his eyes away from what was in front of him.

Tommy gave Hailey a little wave of dismissal as he walked out into the hallway. He wasn't going to do this in a room with glass walls.

Tommy nodded to the few people he passed as he made his way across the floor of G Major. He let himself into Sadie's office. He knew she had gone downtown early that morning on official record label business, and no one would ever dream of invading Ms. Harrison's inner sanctum while she was away.

He set the magazine down on her desk and slumped into the rolling chair. For the first minute or so, he just let himself drink in the picture of Jude, smiling and laughing for the cameras. She looked so familiar but at the same time completely foreign. He had already been warned about the change in appearance brought on by her new black hair color. It was more than that, though. There was something different in her eyes. Something had changed with her, and he was no longer the person who knew what exactly that might be. Tearing himself away from the picture, Tommy settled in to read the article.

Canada's Instant Star Burns Out of Control Across the Pond.

The headline alone made him nauseous and then he turned the page. There was picture after picture of Jude mid-party with a drink in one hand and a man attached to the other. Tommy was all to familiar with these kind of "photo opportunities". They usually happened when one was too intoxicated to avoid the paparazzi.

Tommy stared at the captions for the pictures and then flipped on Sadie's computer. He punched in the names of each of the men in the picture and waited for the results. They ranged from one really prominent lawyer to a doctor for a local charity to a few fellow recording artists to men who were just lucky to be let in the front door of the venue. There was no real connection between Jude and any of these men, and it was never the same man twice in any of the pictures.

Even though it made him sick, Tommy felt relieved. She had wanted to feel what the life of a rockstar would be. It would be a shame if, after all the hard choices and heartbreak, she never got around to finishing what she set out to do. There was a small part of him which was certain when Jude felt she had enough she would come back to him. That feeling would always be in the air between them. Somewhere, somehow, this would end and she would find her way back.

His thoughts were interrupted as he caught sight of one of the news articles highlighted by the search engine in front of him. If he had felt sickened by the photos of Jude with other men, this so-called expose made it ten times worse. Some guy named Evan Portman apparently made a lucrative deal with the Daily Star to sell the details of the affair he had with Jude over the course of six months.

Tommy scanned the news article. This Evan Portman was a guy who claimed to be the one behind the scenes in Jude's life. He had been desperately in love with her since the night he met her which is why he was so willing to ignore the bad choices she was making. He claimed to have tried to get her to refocus on her career and eliminate the partying, but it was just too much.

Tommy hated him immediately. This Evan guy sounded like a complete dick who may or may not be telling the truth, but it didn't matter. He was obviously a part of Jude's life in some way, and that was something that Tommy was not. An asshole who would sell her out in a second had more access to Jude than him, a man who would do very nearly anything it took to make her happy.

That little bit inside of him that had been so confident Jude would find her way back to him was suddenly quiet. It seemed the hope had finally died.

Tommy shut down the computer immediately and pushed his chair back. He wasn't surprised when he couldn't get himself to stand up and move on. When Jude had told him to let go, he had tried his hardest to shut her out of his life. She had made it very clear to him that she wanted to live her life on her own. She wanted to make her own choices and follow her own path. She yearned for the freedoms she had denied herself when she decided to be an artist instead of a normal teenage girl. She wanted to make the mistakes she had missed out on.

There was only one problem. Tommy hadn't expected her mistakes to blindside him like this.

"Tommy?"

He looked up to see Hailey standing in the doorway. He kept his eyes locked with hers but then narrowed them as she started to fidget. He held up the magazine. "Were you really keeping this from me?"

Hailey nodded slowly. "I'm sorry. I just thought that if you didn't know, it couldn't hurt you. I.." Her voice drifted off. She really didn't know what to say. They both knew that she had meant well, but it still didn't change that she had been deliberately deceitful to a man she trusted with all her heart.

Tommy watched Hailey's eyes break away from his and focus on her hands. She was picking at her nails which he had learned a long time ago meant she was still nervous. It was one of those little habits that only someone who had spent hours locked in a small room with her would know. "What else?"

"Huh?" she said, snapping her attention away from her hands and back to him.

"What else aren't you telling me about? What else are you trying to protect me from, Hales?"

She relaxed slightly at his use of her nickname. He couldn't be that mad if he was calling her Hales. Still, that didn't mean she was just going to suddenly be okay with breaking his heart. He had been through too much.

Tommy had been so good to her when she forced him to return from London. She was broken somewhere deep inside and he didn't push her to fix herself. He understood when she was too scared to come to the studio and actually brought the studio to her. He pushed her to write songs with all the confusion and pain inside herself.

This was a man who understood pain because pain was such a huge part in his life. She didn't want to do anything that would remind him of that. "There's nothing else," she replied after thinking it over for a minute. "I believe you figured it all out."

"Stop lying," Tommy screamed, slamming his hands onto the desk. "Stop the bullshit and just tell me. I've earned that much."

Tommy felt ashamed when he saw the fear light up her eyes. They had worked so hard to keep her jumpiness to a minimum, and he had to go and do something stupid like lose his temper. He had thought he had it under control up until this point. Anger had been a large part of who he was for as long as he could remember. It had taken all he had to push past that anger and learn that he could be happy with his life. Now he was just slipping back into old habits like he always did.

"I'm sorry," Tommy whispered, reaching out to gently touch her arm. For a second, he wondered if she checked out, but then she seemed to snap back to life.

Hailey gave him a small helpless smile and then started talking, "Jude doesn't do a lot of press herself. It's just usually tabloids reporting this or that and lots of paparazzi photos."

"But?"

"But she did an article a little while back in one of the music editorial magazines that Darius loves."

Tommy stood up and walked over to Hailey. "When?"

"September."

Tommy nodded his thanks. He knew how hard it was for her to admit the truth to him. Walking over to her, he placed a kiss lightly on the top of her head and then pushed past her out of the room.

Hailey watched him walk away, knowing that it would probably be longer than a few weeks before she could get Tommy to start producing her again. The last time she had seen that vacant look on his face was when Jude left him the goodbye voicemail and he fell into a good and proper funk after that.

She knew she wasn't to blame for what happened. Everyone close to Tommy knew it was just a matter of time before this new, refreshed Tommy died and the old, tortured Tommy came back to rear his ugly head. They had simply been waiting for it to happen.

Tommy walked into the PR offices and found his way to where the magazine back issues were. The department liked to keep the old issues in case a concern arose with one of their artists. It didn't take him long to find the one Hailey was referring to. There weren't many September issues in the box for this year, and the ones there were only slightly buried.

Taking a seat in a nearby armchair, he began to read. He felt the sting of her words after the very first paragraph. The article's intention was to discuss where her fourth album had come from and the expected tone of her next album. In reality, it was all about her broken relationship with Tommy.

In the article, Jude alluded to thinking she had it all at one time. She talked about how her first album was a product of the record label and her issues with her family. Her second album was about the possibility of love and the anticipation. Her third album and its remix was tied up with love gone wrong and the struggle one has to fix that brokenness. Her fourth album was about independence and longing.

Her words screamed out to him. To a certain degree, Jude's music was about him and had always been about him. She had surrendered herself to him creatively in a way that was irreversible.

Jude wanted her albums to continue in a natural progression following the emotions she thought she had. She told her interviewer that at this point her fifth album would be about what happens when you realize that the man you love can't make you feel like you're the one, that nothing else mattered but him and you, that he would do anything to be with you. Her fifth album would be about failed love.

The interviewer asked her about the songs she was currently working on. Jude admitted out right that at there were no songs written yet. She spoke about her struggles to charge her lyrics and melodies with the pain she was feeling, but the heartbreak did not want to fit itself into the nice, neat package of a CD track.

"Tommy."

Tommy looked up to see Sadie standing above him. "What are you doing here?"

"Hailey called about an hour ago. Told me to cancel my meetings because you needed me." Sadie reached out to take the magazine away and sat down beside him. "So?"

"This was written in September," Tommy said after a few minutes, finally looking over at Sadie. "That was months ago. I know that I should be angry about the things she said. I should want an explanation from her about how she could reduce our relationship to a few paragraphs on how I just wasn't enough for her, but that's not what keeps running through my head. All I find myself wanting to know is why the hell hasn't there been more press about her fifth album since this article?"

"You know why," Sadie whispered, reaching out to grasp his hand. She never wanted to have this conversation with Tommy. They had finally become friends on their own terms now that Jude was an ocean away.

It had taken her so long to come to terms with the fact that Tommy had never really loved her during their whole relationship. He had loved the thought of her. Tommy had loved that being with Sadie kept him from having to face just how much he had fallen for Jude. Knowing that the man you loved really loved your baby sister was enough to turn even the strongest of women into a bitter mess. Sadie had been that way for far to long, but she had finally let it go, and in letting it go, she found she no longer wanted Tommy to hurt the way that she had.

"You read the words, Tommy, and you know her better than everyone else." Sadie gave him a sad smile. "You know what she meant in that article even if she didn't spell it out for everyone to hear. You can see past all the bullshit and really know."

"Her music." Tommy felt his voice catch in his throat for a moment. "She's letting it slip away."

"She's trying desperately to keep hold," Sadie said in Jude's defense. "She's in the recording studio every day and most nights. She doesn't want to lose whatever you think is slipping away so she forces herself to keep working."

"But nothing's come out of it, right? The whole world knows that she's overdue for releasing an album, and the pressure is on. They expect great things from her and all they're getting is London's newest party girl."

"She's living the life she wanted," Sadie pointed out.

"No, she's not. Jude wanted to live like a rockstar, but that's not what she's doing. There's no such thing as a rockstar if there's no music. Once the music stops, the fame fades. You're just that person in the tabloids who everyone vaguely remembers as having a good album back in the day and people wonder why you're still even being talked about. Fame feeds off talent. It feeds off the music."

Tommy felt Sadie wince and realized he had gotten so caught up in his words that he was squeezing her hand too hard. The irritation and disappointment he felt was shining through every fiber of his being, and he was losing focus. He released his grip on Sadie immediately but found he didn't know how to really apologize. He was tired of apologizing to people and in the end, what he apologized for was never really what he felt sorry about.

"Why are you so angry, Tommy?" Sadie asked as she rubbed her hand for feeling.

"Because she's better than this. She should have no trouble writing that fifth album if her last one is any indication of what she and Bermanze could do together. Her music was her life not too long ago, and she needs to figure out a way to get back to that."

"Then why don't you help her?"

Tommy shook his head. "There's no place for me in her life anymore. We've tried and tried, and it always ends the same. The only thing we're meant to be is some story we can look back on when we're old and think about what might have been. I'm that thing she needed to get past to finally understand what makes her happy."

"There are no real endings in life," Sadie said, standing up. She gave him a sad smile. "You just have to figure out if you're brave enough to understand that."

"Sadie-" Tommy started.

She held her fingers up to his lips to stop him. "Don't. Just promise me you'll figure out why you're angry. Then you'll know for sure what it is you feel and you'll know what you're supposed to do."

Sadie gave his shoulder a squeeze before walking out of the room. Tommy let his head sink into his hands. Something always brought him back to this moment. It seemed like for the past five years he had been answering this question.

What does he want from Jude Harrison and how far is he willing to let himself go to get it?

That was the real question Sadie was asking him.

And that was the one question he didn't think he would ever find the answer for.

His heart has been telling him for five years that all he wants from Jude is Jude and that he'll be willing to go to the ends of the earth to get that.

The only thing he was unsure of is when he got to the ends of the earth, could he get past how angry he was at her. Could he learn how to love her without the fear that she would leave him one day?


	12. They Weren't There

Jude pressed the ignore button on her cell phone as it rang for the hundredth time. It was either Rory or one of his friends wondering where the hell she was. She had gotten the call earlier that morning. Today's blowout of the year was an all-day yacht party and apparently she just couldn't miss it for the world. It had taken all of her willpower to keep from drifting to her closet to start planning out what to wear. Instead she forced herself to sit down with her guitar. When she struggled in the past, this was where she retreated. Her music was her haven.

She desperately wanted it to be that way again. She needed the music to come back if she was going to stick to her convictions.

Telling Speed the truth had helped. She wanted to stop living life from one party to the next. She was tired of wanting to be numb and then, the very second she gets there, desperately wanting to feel something again. She was tired of running away whenever she had no clue what was happening with her life or what she wanted.

So she decided that she would stop. The partying, the superficial relationships, the alcohol and drugs, the avoidance, all of it, she would just stop. She promised Speed that she was going to get herself back on track. She promised that the next time she saw him, he would be able to recognize her as the same Jude Harrison that had helped launch his career, the one who had been there for him when his marriage was dissolving, the one who had given him the courage to step out from the shadows and stand on his own.

That decision and the promise that came with it was the first truly honest, uncomplicated thing she had done in quite a while.

However, Jude was quickly learning that, though the words were easy to say, sticking to her convictions was not as simple.

Speed had left when his tour was over. They both knew he needed to get back to his regular life just as much as Jude needed to see if she could do this on her own. The second he was gone, Jude felt her anxiety shoot through the roof. She still wanted it. She still yearned for what that lifestyle could give her. She wanted desperately to keep hiding.

It had been three months and she was still struggling.

Jude was so wrapped up in this never-ending internal dialogue she had with herself that she didn't realize she was reaching for her cell phone until her fingers made contact. She pulled her hand back immediately and took a deep breath. It was ridiculous that she had to keep her focus sharp every single second if she wanted to keep the promise she made to Speed.

Her phone began ringing again, and Jude forced herself to tear her eyes away from it. She was not going to run this time, but ignoring the urge inside her to fall back into her old ways wasn't going to help either. Hiding never solved anything in the long run. She would just have to keep pushing her way through life until it started to get a little easier.

Jude strummed a few chords on her guitar and let herself feel the music. She had managed to write two tracks for her album while Speed was staying with her. Having him there helped a lot. It gave her a physical reminder of what her music used to be. She wasn't surprised to figure out the music never really left her but was just a little harder to find than before.

Her fingers danced on the guitar strings as she called up the song she wanted. She had written it with Speed the morning after she found Tommy's note. Speed brought her breakfast in bed and then handed her his guitar the second she was done eating. The only thing he said to her that whole morning was "write". Jude knew what he meant. She needed to use all those emotions spinning around inside of her and force herself to get back into the music.

What had resulted was a song that she loved more than anything she had written her whole time here in London. It had a haunting feel to it that actually gave her goosebumps while she wrote it. Yet she didn't need to put all the raw emotions on display to get it written. It was the sound of the music that reflected how she felt and not the lyrics.

She knew that at some point, she was going to have to face her musical demons straight on, but as a first attempt, she felt like this was exactly as it should be. Speed thought Jude needed to take this slow. There was no rush to have a full-on musical exorcism, and Jude agreed. In fact, she wasn't even sure if she would need that kind of thing now or ever. Maybe she wouldn't ever be ready to let go.

Jude stood up from the bed as she heard a familiar sound outside. She had been in and out of her house so often this summer while she was playing the festival circuit. Playing on the big stages all over the country felt nice but that meant she had missed out on a lot of the little things. A chord gone wrong bounced off the walls, making Jude's smile go wider.

Taking her guitar with her, she headed downstairs. Her stomach growled rather loudly as she reached the door, and she detoured into the kitchen to make a sandwich. Lunch in hand, she managed to make it out the door to her flat this time. The music hadn't stopped. "Taylor!" she called as she shut the door behind her.

The young girl sitting on the doorstep two flats down stopped playing and looked up from her own guitar. "Hi, Jude."

"I thought I heard you strumming your heart out."

"You, too." She nodded up at the open bedroom window. "That was a wicked track."

Jude nodded and took a bite of her sandwich. "So let me hear what you got."

For a moment, Jude let herself forget everything that was running around in her head and just listened to the refreshingly pure sound of the budding songwriter from down the row. It reminded her of all the evenings she had spent sitting outside with her friends as she begged them to let her play one more song.

"What do you think?" Taylor said, standing up and walking over to Jude's front stoop.

"It has promise. Keep working on it." Jude set down her plate and stood up. "Want to hear another one of mine?" she asked, throwing her guitar strap over her head. It didn't surprise her when Taylor nodded empathetically and took a seat in front of her. Taylor had been her biggest fan since the day Jude moved in. "I wrote this in the park across the way a few weeks ago."

Taylor leaned back as Jude launched into her second new track. It was a product of a rare sunny afternoon in London and a day off for Speed. He had dragged her away from the studios at Bermanze that day, rambling the whole time about how music is written not in a studio but out in the world.

On this song, Speed had just as large a part in the songwriting as Jude did. The tone was something different for her, but she liked it. Plus, letting another person in like that was something she took as a sign of things improving.

Like the first song she composed, this was one that she loved but also one that barely touched the surface of the turmoil inside of her. It was exactly what it should be, a song written on a rare day when she wasn't feeling all the pressure to piece herself back together. It had been so long since she just wrote a song for the sake of writing. It wasn't about doomed love or newfound independence. It wasn't a haunting song. It wasn't a song full of angst or hope.

It was just a song written in a park that seemed to impress the people walking past.

Jude loved it.

"Wow," Taylor whispered as the people who paused to listen started on their way again. Jude pulled people in with her music so frequently that she really didn't even notice the applause half of the time. When she was rehearsing songs, she was focused on the music and not the performance. The applause always seemed to startle her a little. Taylor could not wait until the day she got used to that kind of fame. "Are those going to be on your new album?"

Jude hesitated. "I don't know," she finally admitted, sitting on the stoop next to her teenage friend. This was the real problem she should be focusing on instead of worrying about answering or not answering her cell phone. She had written two full songs with Speed and had yet to tell Max or anyone at Bermanze about them. She had no clue why she was keeping them secret. Her anxiety would sure as hell be a lot less if she didn't have multiple people from the record company demanding she give them something tangible.

Jude was finally pulled from her thoughts as Taylor tapped her knee. "Do you know him?"

Jude followed where Taylor's finger was pointing. The crowd on the other side of the street had dispersed except for one person who was still watching her. "Jamie!" she screamed, setting down her guitar and launching herself across the road and into his arms. Even after she felt his arms around her, she still couldn't believe it. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Later," Jamie said. Jude's heart did a little flip at seeing that familiar lop-sided smile beaming down at her. He reached out and flipped a stray lock of her hair. "First, we need to address this. Speed told me about your surrender to the dark side, but I didn't believe it."

Jude laughed. Of course Jamie would want to talk about her hair before he explained what the hell he was doing all the way in London. "You didn't really come here to talk about my beauty choices, did you?"

Jamie finally loosened his grip on her completely, setting her feet firmly on the ground. "So who's your friend over there?"

Jude turned back to see Taylor still sitting on the stoop with a very confused look on her face. "This is my English version of you."

"I'm the equivalent of a teenage girl?" Jamie asked as Jude took his hand and pulled him across the street.

"She's my sounding board," Jude explained. "Taylor, this is one of my best friends in the world, Jamie."

"Let me guess. It's a long story and you two have history," Taylor said, rolling her eyes and holding out Jude's guitar for her to take. "Your life makes my head hurt, Jude."

Jude ruffled the girl's hair before taking the guitar out of her hands. "Get lost, kid." Grabbing Jamie's hand for a second time, she pulled him into the flat's kitchen, set her guitar against the wall, and started brewing a pot of coffee. "So what brings you to cloudy Londontown?"

"Later," Jamie said, looking around the flat. "This place is nice."

Jude rolled her eyes. "You can say it, Jamie. It barely looks like I live here."

"Your house in Toronto was always a mess with junk you seemed to acquire without trying, and this place is all white and nothing-y. It's like one of those freaky model homes you see in front of new developments."

"I know," Jude said, shrugging her shoulders. "I haven't really settled in yet. My life had been different since I came here, but I bet Speed told you all about that, didn't he?"

"Maybe," Jamie said, reaching to take the coffee cup she was holding out to him.

"You can admit it, Jamie. Speed told you that I was out of control and you wanted to check up on me. I know all the press I've been getting. It makes me look bad, and yes, maybe things are as bad as they seem. Right now I'm fine, though. You can see that I'm fine, right?"

Jamie just stared at her a moment and then took a sip of his coffee. "How's the recording coming?"

"I'm trying," Jude said, sitting down at the table beside him. "I'm really trying, and for the first time in awhile, I think I might actually be able to get it to work. Seeing Speed helped."

"That's what he told me. He also told me that he wasn't so sure you would be able to do this alone."

"So you hopped right on your white horse, or should I say plane, and came riding to my rescue?"

Jamie chuckled and leaned back in his hair. "See? That's the Jude I was expecting. The one who lashes out in anger when things start hitting too close to home. It sounds to me like that Jude hasn't been around too much lately. Or maybe she's been around too much. You tell me."

"I'm lost. Okay?" Jude said, throwing up her hands. "I admit it. I'm trying to figure out some stuff right now and it's tough and it sucks and I'm hurting and I just want to give up and quit." Silence filled the kitchen as Jude's outburst ended. She played with the mug in front of her and let herself listen to the noises outside the flat for a moment. She felt relieved that Jamie knew her well enough not to say a word. "But I'm not going to quit, Jamie. I want to but I'm not. Not this time."

Jamie still didn't respond so Jude continued, "Every day is hard. It's so much easier to let myself go, to give myself permission to be numb and take the easy way out. I can't do that, though. When it comes down to it, I need the music to survive. Speed reminded me of that. If that means accepting the pain along the way, then so be it."

Jamie stared at her a moment before reaching into his pocket. "You're not the only one, Jude." He set the plastic case down on the table. "I've debated whether I should do this since the second I decided to hop on a plane across the Atlantic. I'm still not sure if it's the right thing to do, but here we go." He pushed the case across the table until it was in front of Jude.

Jude felt like she should have seen this coming, but at the same time, she knew there was really no way to have prepared herself for this. The plastic case was an album with Tommy's picture on it. She picked it up to take a closer look. "Unfrozen," she said, reading the title. "He finally released his solo CD."

Jude set the case down but couldn't tear her eyes away from it. For some reason, she found herself afraid of this small piece of plastic. It was as she continued to stare at the album that she finally realized the real question she should be asking. "Why are you the one who felt they had to bring this to me? You hate Tommy more than any other person on this planet."

"Things change."

"That's it? That's all you're going to say? Things change?"

"Tommy needed a place to record. He appealed to my love of profit."

"You mean he recorded this at NBR?"

"Not exactly. He recorded it in Nana's actual basement, the original studio. He wanted privacy and freedom. When he started recording tracks, I kind of understood why. He worked day and night seven months straight for that album. Somewhere along the way, I decided he wasn't that bad. It's what you always said to me. You just have to get to know him."

Jude flipped the plastic case over and let her fingers run along his picture on the back. "Why did you bring this to me, Jamie?"

"You needed to see it. You needed to hear it." Jamie let out a deep breath. "Listen, Jude. As much as I hated him, Tommy was the most dependable thing in your life."

"You were pretty dependable," Jude countered.

"Not like him. He never pushed you to conform, to become something you weren't. That's where everyone else screwed up. Shay, Speed, me. All of us wanted you to be this image that we had of who Jude Harrison was. Tommy was the only one who really understood you. That's why you're in so much pain. Tommy wanted the real you." Jamie sighed and stood up. "And with that parting bit of wisdom, I'll be going."

"What?" Jude said, finally looking away from the CD. "You're leaving?"

"For now. I'll come back for dinner tonight. We can get some takeout and watch an old movie." Jamie reached out to tap the CD. "Take some time and listen to it. I think there are things you need to know on that album. I'll see you later."

Jude nodded, picking up the album, and stood up to give her friend a hug. "I missed you, Jamie."

"Me, too, Jude."

Jude walked him to the front door and watched him take a few steps before pausing. "Do me a favor. Even if you can't get yourself to listen to it, read the liner notes." Jamie watched Jude's face fill with confusion but she nodded. She was always willing to trust him even when she didn't trust herself.

"See you later tonight," Jude called out as soon as she could find her voice again. Jamie gave her a wave and then disappeared down the street.

Jude shut the door to the flat and turned the lock. Her phone beeped from upstairs with a warning of a new voicemail. It dawned on her that she hadn't thought about her cell phone or the party in over an hour. Maybe things were getting better.

Walking over to the living room, she opened the cabinet with her stereo inside and pushed play on Tommy's CD. She laid down on her couch, pulling a pillow to her chest. Tommy's voice drifted over her and immediately pulled at her heart. Jude let her eyes drift shut.

The album was about her. She wasn't concerned how self-centered and conceited that sounded. She knew the album was about her. Otherwise, Jamie would have never brought it all the way here. So she had been expecting to feel something when she started listening.

What she didn't see coming was the pain. It wounded her to hear his words. It pained her to hear in his voice how much she had hurt him and how much he had loved her and how confused he was. It hurt to know that despite being an ocean away, he was feeling the same things that she was.

Even when the CD had moved on to the next track, Jude could hear his words echoing in her head. They were already haunting her.

_Close your eyes. Say goodnight. I will love you all of my life._

_While you find another day, thousands of miles away, one more night finds me alone, holding on._

Every song had the taste of her in the sound of his voice. Then the last track played and all the pretenses were thrown to the side. He might as well have named the track Jude. Tommy had always been a really raw singer, but he had really let himself go for this final track. The longing in his voice made her want to curl up and cry.

_I think you can do much better than me. After all the lies that I made you believe. And I think you should know this. You deserve much better than me._

Jude could feel the all too familiar pain as it stabbed at her heart. She made herself concentrate on the moment and tried to keep herself grounded. It was okay to be hurting. That was something that she had forgotten along the way. It was okay to hurt.

When Jude felt herself begin to relax, she opened her eyes and reached out for the plastic case beside her. Jamie said look at the liner notes so that meant he thought what was inside was just as important as the album itself.

It didn't take Jude long to figure out what Jamie wanted her to see. It was in the middle of the artist's thank you statement right after his professed gratitude to Jamie and the entire NBR team.

"To my supernova, my track six, sometimes white lines cross the ocean and never fade. Worthiness may never come, but the need will never change. I'm sorry."

Jude's mind flashed back to something Tommy had said when they were in the middle of remixing her third album. The conversation wasn't anything monumental. It didn't change her life or the course of their relationship. They were just talking to keep themselves awake and focused on the job.

Tommy had explained that the hardest part of producing an album was the track selection. It was imperative to the success of an album that the tracks be placed in the right order. You wanted the album to flow. You wanted the listener to turn on track one and not want to stop until the last note of the last track ended. You needed smooth transitions that kept the listeners focused. You wanted to take them on a ride that soothed and reenergized at just the right moments.

Jude had followed Tommy's logic up until the point at which he stated track six was always the most important track on the album. When she asked him why track six, he had just smiled at her.

The conversation had changed after that without her getting a real answer. Jude thought nothing of it until he handed her the first bootleg copy of the remixed album at the end of the day. "Track six," he whispered in her ear. Jude looked down to see that it was Don't You Dare. "You remember that day?"

As she sat on the couch in her London flat, Jude felt the corners of her mouth turn up in a smile. That day in the church had been the start of some of her best memories.

After seeing her smile that told him she remembered everything about that day, Tommy explained to her that track six was the most important because it was the heart of the album. Six was about halfway through a decent-sized album. It was the point at which a person committed to the sound. It was the point where they decided whether it was a good album or a great album. For Jude's third album, it was the song where she admitted how much she loved and needed Tommy. It was the song where she warned Tommy to not make a mistake by letting himself be too scared to love her.

She was his track six. That's what he was saying to the world in the notes of his album. She was his heart and the point at which things went from good to great. He had been sending her a message when he wrote this. She just had no clue what she was meant to understand.

Taking a deep breath, Jude stood up and walked over to her stereo. She pressed a few buttons and moved the CD to the track she wanted. As the opening notes of the acoustic guitar filled the air, she realized she had barely noticed track six the first time around. The whole album and its closeness to her heart had overwhelmed her, but this time she forced herself to really listen to the track that was the heart of the album.

The song made her sad almost immediately. It was stripped down and full of heart. She could hear the desire in his voice as he sang about not being able to really say what he wanted but knowing that he would find a way if it killed him.

It was odd. As she listened to Tommy's voice sing about missing his chance again, all the pain and guilt and regret his words stirred up inside of her faded. A sense of determination and calm replaced them. It didn't surprise her. This happened to her frequently when she was with Tommy. She had no idea why but he always seemed to center her when she felt lost.

When the song came to an end, Jude got up to retrieve her guitar and then sat back down on the couch. The song that started flowing from her fingertips wasn't perfect by any means. It was simple but it was straight from her heart. For the first time in a long time, she let herself go to that place that was raw and real and painful.

This was how she remembered the music being. It came out of her with little effort on her part. The song just wrote itself and she was simply a vessel that it came through. She only paused when she had to, writing down lyrics and chord changes right on top of the lyrics of Tommy's album. The song she was writing would always be connected with this moment and with Tommy's music.

Once the last notes of song were complete, Jude let herself run through the whole thing in its entirety. It felt right and she knew that she would not make any changes to it. It was already a finished work.

Jude welcomed the stillness and silence around her now that the music had stopped. Something had changed today and she was confident that it was a change for the better. For the first time in a long while, her gut was trying to tell her something. This time she was going to listen to it.

Standing up, she set her guitar on the couch behind her and made her way back to her bedroom. She grabbed her phone and paused for a second, taking a deep breath before pressing a familiar number. "Hey. Listen. I know it's out of the blue but I have a business proposition for you."

**Please visit the homepage in my profile if you want to view the fanmix I made to represent Tommy's solo album... It's connected to the post for chapter twelve. It's the only way you'll know what "Track Six" really was!**


	13. Say

Tommy pulled his collar up around his neck as he stepped out of his house. Sometimes the chill in Toronto made him desperate to live elsewhere. Then there were days like this where it felt like the best thing in the world. Most days he needed the cold to help cool his temper. It seemed since that conversation he had with Sadie in the PR office, everything got on his nerves.

That was probably the reason he threw his cell phone into a kitchen drawer and left it there all weekend. This was his scheduled time off from his production jobs and all things G Major. He didn't want to hear about the current identity crisis that any or all of his artists were having. He didn't want to hear the concern in Sadie or Kwest's voice when they ask him why he's hiding from the world. He didn't want to hear Jamie's gentle probing questions about whether he'd be interested in recording another album with NBR. Every time he went into the kitchen, he could hear his phone ringing or beeping, the signs of someone wanting to talk to him. It was probably an extremely angry Darius now that he thought about it, but he really didn't care. He had turned his life off for the weekend.

Instead of music, this weekend was supposed to be about him and his toys. He had spent the previous day doing long overdue work on his Viper and today was for his motorcycle. He had originally bought it to work on with Jude, and they had gotten really far with both of their bikes before their relationship went south. However, since that point, Tommy hadn't touched his half of the pair. The paparazzi shots of Jude riding her bike all over the streets of London didn't helped. She looked quite happy and not at all concerned about the place in their hearts where the bike originated from.

It was actually kind of ironic. Once he started working on the bike, Tommy realized this was probably the one thing he could focus on that had to do with Jude. Everything else just served to frustrate him and make his temper flare. He couldn't focus enough to produce anything in the studio, but a sticking throttle on a bike was something he seemed to have no trouble concentrating on.

He sighed and let himself sink down onto the pavement outside his garage. He had moved out of the city a few months earlier when he realized that the sales from his solo album afforded him a nice little nest egg. At the time, he had made the choice to record his solo album for his own reasons, ones revolving around his emotions and frustrations. It was a very selfish move, but surprisingly, the finished product went beyond catharsis and actually appealed to other people, too. It had given him a lot of room to breath in terms of the money side of life.

Moving out of his apartment in the middle of downtown had turned out to be a refreshing change. Living in a house all by himself was not.

Tommy had always imagined when he got to the point of finally settling down it wouldn't be in a four bedroom, three bathroom house with no one to fill up the space. In a moment of honesty, he might actually admit that he always saw himself doing this with Jude by his side. She had been the driving force behind his growing up these past six years. She had taught him how to be a better producer. More so, she had taught him how to be a better man.

Grabbing a wrench, Tommy vowed to stop the thinking and soul searching for at least a little bit. Since his conversation with Sadie, all he had been doing was thinking about what he wanted and what he was willing to do to get it. He could feel himself at the point where it was time to either put up or shut up, and that scared him half to death.

Which was exactly why he was avoiding it altogether.

Tommy was so busy avoiding thinking that he forget to pay attention to what he was doing. It was no wonder when his hand slipped.

The next thing he knew he was staring down at a gash right across his forearm where the wrench had scrapped up skin. "Damn it," he hissed, chucking the wrench into the driveway. It didn't look too deep so he figured he was lucky. Pushing the pain to the side, he gripped the cut tightly with his other hand and made his way back into the house. He grabbed a kitchen towel on his way to the bathroom then began what would probably be a futile search for some antibacterial ointment and a strip of gauze.

The doorbell rang halfway into his search. Tommy found himself swearing again. He had forgotten the promise he made to Hailey before he left G Major at week's end. She begged him to listen to some of the new tracks she wrote and he promised he would make time at some point today. Since he had been ignoring his cell phone all day, she probably got annoyed and just decided to drop by.

Tommy finally found a bandage that would work as the doorbell chimed for the second time. "I'm coming," he screamed even though he knew that Hailey wouldn't be able to hear him. The only response he got was another doorbell ring.

He slapped the gauze strip on his arm so that it covered the gash and then stomped his way back downstairs. Seeing the blond hair through the blurred glass, Tommy cursed to himself. Hailey had done it. She had finally followed through on her threats to freak him out and completely turn her look into that of Jude circa the second album. She had been vowing to torture him with this since the moment he told her what his relationship with Jude had once been. He couldn't believe that she picked now to hit the peroxide bottle.

"Hales-" Tommy's voice caught in his throat as he realized his error.

"Hi," Jude said with a weary smile.

Tommy took in the sight of her. She looked just like she did the last time he had seen her in Toronto as the limo carried her off to the airport. Her hair was back to the familiar blond and she was in her normal uniform of button down shirt and ripped jeans. There was a small pang in his heart as he realized the sweatshirt she was wearing was actually his. If he didn't know better, he would have thought time just rewound itself to years before. The only real difference in the Jude standing before him right now was how tired her eyes looked.

Jude bit her lip and continued to let Tommy stare at her. She had no clue why she thought just showing up on his doorstep would work, but here she was. There was no going back now. She was just going to have to force herself to be brave and let this thing play out how it will.

"What are you doing here?" Tommy asked. He knew he was being abrupt but he just couldn't find any better words. Waiting for her answer, he finally noticed the familiar plastic case that she was nervously tapping in her hands. "My album."

"Jamie gave it to me."

Tommy nodded. That explained why she had come here, but it didn't explain what she wanted.

Silence filled the air between them. Tommy really wasn't sure what to say to Jude now that she was right there in front of him. He hadn't finished thinking things out, and he was cursing himself for putting it off so long.

Jude, on the other hand, knew exactly what she should be saying, but she found she wasn't quite ready to say it yet. She had to work up the courage. This was a moment that had been a long time coming for her.

Tommy stepped out onto the front porch, shutting the door behind him. He leaned on the railing and wasn't surprised when Jude moved to sit right next to him.

"Can I ask…" Jude's voice faded out as she began to think twice about the question on the tip of her tongue. She wasn't sure if this was where she should be starting, but it was the only thing she could think of to talk about. She needed to stay on the surface for now so she could build herself up a little bit in order to tackle the more painful subjects.

"Why didn't you put Love To Burn on it?" she asked after a minute. "When I sang it at my eighteenth birthday, everyone was desperate to know if it was one of my new tracks. It was a complete hit. You wrote it. It's your track."

"It would have done well," Tommy agreed.

Jude found herself playing with the album in her hands. Tommy kept staring at her, and it was completely unnerving. She couldn't figure out if he was just thrown off by her sudden appearance or if it was something more than that.

"Love To Burn was too personal," Tommy finally said, tearing his gaze away from her. "It was never meant for anyone but you to hear. You always used to say that we were about the quiet moments. Love To Burn was only supposed to be another one of those moments."

Jude nodded, and the awkward silence returned. They were both avoiding the real issue but neither one was ready to call the other out on it yet.

"So are you in Toronto to visit Sadie and your father?" Tommy asked when the silence got to be too much.

Jude shook her head. "I'm actually back for good."

Tommy's eyebrows rose in surprise but he didn't say a word.

"Bermanze was great to me, but it just wasn't the right fit. When I finally realized that, I also realized there was nothing keeping me in London. I asked Jamie if he'd be willing to sign me to NBR. You can imagine how quickly he jumped at the chance."

"Jude Harrison is a major artist. International superstar was how I think you've been categorized."

Jude punched Tommy lightly on the arm. She always loved how quick he was to poke fun at her career. It had kept her grounded for so long. "Jamie jumped at the chance to have one of his best friends return home," she corrected.

Tommy nodded. Inside he was cursing Jamie. How could Andrews not warn him that he had offered Jude a recording contract? How could he not find some way to casually work into one of the million conversations they've have over the past few weeks the fact that Jude was moving back home? He thought the two of them had been getting somewhere in terms of being friends, but apparently it was back to the same old competition for Jude they had always been in.

"I told him not to tell you," Jude confessed. Like always, Tommy wasn't surprised that Jude knew exactly what he was thinking. "He wanted to. Said you two had become friends while I was gone and that he couldn't let me blindside the man who helped solidify NBR as a legitimate label. I convinced him it would be worse if you saw this coming."

"Why would it have been worse?"

Jude shrugged. "I don't really know. At the time, I was just saying anything to get Jamie to agree with me."

"Guess this is the kind of thing you want to do yourself."

Jude wondered just what kind of thing Tommy thought she had come to do. There had been enough closure between them to last a lifetime, but the wounds still seemed to be open and full of pain. That was the real reason she was finding this so hard. They had always been so delicate with each other for fear that whatever they had would break. "Don't be mad at Jamie. It's been killing him these past few months."

Tommy's eyes went wide. "Months?"

"It took me awhile to get out of my contract with Bermanze. I was signed on for two more records past album four, and they really didn't want an asset like me to leave them. For a few weeks, my producer Max rivaled you in how hard he would fight for me." Jude felt herself tense as she realized what that sounded like. "Musically, I mean. How much he would fight for me musically."

"I know." Tommy ran his hand over his face. He was fighting the urge to fall right back into the old patterns but he couldn't let this one go. He wasn't going to let Jude make a poor decision for herself out of some sort of obligation or fear. "Are you sure this is the smartest decision for you right now? Bermanze was supposed to be the next step in your career. Onwards to bigger and brighter things, right?"

Jude felt like someone punched her in the stomach. In all the months that she had been envisioned this moment, she never thought of the possibility that Tommy might try to talk her out of coming home. She was suddenly scared more things had changed while she was gone than she originally thought.

"Jude?"

Jude snapped back to attention. She had promised herself she wouldn't get lost in self-doubt, and she had almost let herself do it. "I'm not an idiot, Quincy. I know that coming back to Toronto and recording music won't keep my career moving forward. I have fans here in Canada but that's not enough. I'm past the point in my career where what I want is that narrow."

Tommy knew he shouldn't be amused, but he couldn't help and laugh to himself. "It's kind of weird how much I still expect you to be the fifteen-year-old girl when we first met."

"You need to get over that."

"I know."

"I'm twenty-one now. I haven't been a little girl for quite some time," Jude reminded him. "That was the whole reason I left Toronto and G Major. I've been standing on my own for a while now. Sometimes it was more shaky than not, but I did it. So, yes, I am capable of making decisions about my career without having to run them by anyone first. I make mistakes sometimes, but this is one time I know that I'm doing what is best for me."

"I know that," Tommy insisted.

Jude ignored him as she felt a strong urge to prove to him just how independent and intelligent she could be. Sometimes she forgot that she wasn't a little teenager anymore just like Tommy did. Sometimes she had to prove to herself that she was capable of this. "Part of my pitch to Jamie involved him moving NBR forward to the next step in its development. I'm going to use the next album I write to spring board Jamie's label into the American music market. I have a fan base in both Canada and the UK now. That should create enough of a buzz and a demand to give me a fighting chance of success in the world's most prominent market."

"Wow," Tommy said, crossing his arms in front of him. He had always thought her clever, but he really underestimated her ability to manage herself and make the best decisions for her career. Ironically, amidst all the surprise and admiration he was feeling, Tommy could sense a little bit of disappointment. Jude had really thought out how returning to Toronto could benefit her as an artist. That feeling of hope that she had come back from him was dying slowly by the minute. "Damn."

"What's wrong?" Jude asked.

Tommy shook his head, throwing off her concern. The word had just slipped out of his mouth and now he didn't know how to explain it or what to say to her. He had put himself into a rather intense struggle to figure out answers to all the questions he had about Jude and their relationship. This one tiny glimmer of hope seemed to say more to him than all the logical answers he had come up with over the years. What should have been the tiniest, most insignificant feeling was more than anything he had ever felt before.

It would have been nice if this newly discovered hope helped his clarity, but it didn't. He was still very muddy about where he stood with Jude and whether that was a problem for him. Basically, he was in a delicate position with no clue what to do about it.

"You know you can ask me to leave," Jude whispered. "I get that I'm throwing a lot of things at you out of nowhere. I won't mind if you need time."

She moved to stand up but Tommy's voice stopped her in her tracks. "I want you to stay."

Jude knew that this was moment. It was now or never. She needed to cut through all the bullshit and start talking about why she was really here in Toronto on his doorstep. "I haven't been completely truthful about why I left London."

"It wasn't for your music?"

"It was," Jude assured him. "We both know that it was a solid step to take in order for me to move forward. The thing is it just kind of worked out to be that way. I found a way to make a good business decision after I had already decided to come back to Toronto."

"I'm confused."

"There was always something a little wrong about my life in London. I either couldn't put my finger on it or didn't want to. Then it came to me. There's one thing that I needed but had been missing. You." Jude's heart froze as Tommy's eyes snapped up to look right into hers. In that one instant, she could see all the confusion and anger and worry inside of him. The fear hit her as hard as a brick wall. And just like that, she felt herself taking the easy out. "As a producer. My music needs you."

Tommy nodded. He should have seen that one coming. She just finished telling him she came back for her career, and he had always been a huge part of that. They both knew that Jude was capable of doing this on her own. She had produced one hell of a fourth album without any of his help. However, Tommy had been right to tell her just because she no longer needed him doesn't mean she couldn't want him. They were both talented, but together they were amazing. It didn't surprise him to hear that she wanted to give another shot to producing or co-producing or even just composing. At the same time, he knew that he had been hoping it was something else entirely that brought her to his doorstep.

He had no clue why he kept letting himself think this was about her still loving him. That was over. He had just spent months figuring out how to accept that it was over. That part of Jude and him wasn't going to come back.

Realizing that Jude was waiting for a response, he forced his heart out of the equation. Jude wanted her old producer back, and if that was it, it was going to have to be enough. "I'm in the middle of recording Hailey's second album. You remember her, right? You briefly met her on your birthday last year." Tommy sighed and stood up, turning to face where Jude sat on the porch railing. "But you know I'm there the second after her album's complete. Anytime you need me, I'll be there. I made that promise to you quite awhile ago, but it's still the truth."

Jude felt a smile play at the corner of her mouth. She was about to thank him when she felt a completely different message fall from her lips. "I'm being a complete coward, aren't I?"

"What do you mean, Harrison?"

Jude cursed to herself. She hadn't meant to say that out loud and now she had to figure out how to explain it.

"Jude?"

Taking a deep breath, she kissed the last of her hesitation goodbye and let her thoughts tumble off her lips. "The real reason I came back to Toronto is not because it was a smart career choice or that I was homesick. Those are all great reasons, but they're not what made me change everything in my life for a second time." Jude pushed herself to her feet. "It was this thought I kept having over and over again. I've been trying to write my fifth album for over a year now, and it just hasn't been working. I couldn't figure out why that was until I stopped running scared from what I feel."

Tommy raised his eyebrows, inviting her to keep going.

"There are only two things I've ever really need to produce good music. A recording studio. Any recording studio, really. It never mattered what city I was in or whose studio I was using."

Tommy felt his body tense as he waited for Jude to go on. He thought he had finally figured out why she came here but he was starting to realize he still had no clue.

"And you. The second thing that I've always needed is you." Jude put her fingers to her lips for a second and just watched Tommy to see if he was getting what she was saying.

He smiled at her for a moment before sighing. "Harrison, we both know what a good team we are together. I don't know why that's such a hard thing for you to understand all of the sudden. You keep acting like you had some earth-shattering revelation."

Jude found back the urge to scream out a curse. She should have seen this one coming. Tommy always was a little dense when she was trying to tell him how she felt. It was either that or he was too scared to hear her out. Either way, it had always spelled frustration for Jude. "I'm not talking about Tom Quincy the big time music producer. He's wonderful to have around but he's not that important to who I am."

"Uh, then who are you talking about, Jude?"

Jude let herself look at the man standing before her for a moment before responding. He really was the most amazing person she had ever met. It was that belief she drew on for strength every time she began to doubt how much Tommy loved her. "I'm talking about you. Just you, Tommy. I need you. I always have."

Tommy could feel the anger rise in the pit of his stomach. He should had seen this coming. He had finally started moving past this and was thinking he could make the decision to move on if that's what he wanted. His anger and resentment for himself had died down. The second he saw her, he should have known. It always came back when she was around. "Listen, you were the one that asked me to get out of your life, Jude. I was only doing what you wanted."

"I know what I did. It was just another mistake in a long series of missteps you and I have taken. I was so scared that I couldn't even admit it, and it seemed easier to just let it all go. It was stupid. You asked me if I trusted you, and I thought I did, but it was a lie."

Jude's heart broke as she saw the pain dance across Tommy's eyes for a second before he was able to shove it back down. The frustration was clear in his voice. "Why are you doing this, Jude? Do you need some sort of absolution from me? Are you scared to tell me that you were right when you said it was better that we stay apart? Do you need me to hear that you're sorry so that you can move on? Tell me why."

"Because I have to," Jude said, knowing that she was going to have to put it all on the line right now if she stood any chance of succeeding. Tommy was starting to get angry and she knew where that anger could lead to if she let it. She was not letting him walk away from her this time. "I've put a lot of thought into you and me, what went wrong, what went right. Basically just a big, general why. That's why I'm here. I realized that every time you and I have been together, I was always waiting for the ball to drop. No matter what I told myself, I never let myself get comfortable with us. We would talk about forever and it all sounded perfect to me, but that was never what was going through my mind. In my head, it was always when would we screw this up or what's he still hiding. I never gave us a chance."

"We've had a lot of chances."

"And we messed each one up. All that time we were together and I never realized that what I really needed to do was say screw it. If things go wrong, they go wrong. It's taken me a long time to realize that it doesn't matter. None of it matters."

"I still don't understand what you're trying to tell me, Jude."

Jude fought the urge to reach out for him even though that's all she wanted right now. She had to do this without relying on the attraction she could still feel buzzing between them. It would be so easy to rely on the memories of how good it had once been, but she knew she had to do this on her own. Her love for him needed to be enough. Jude wrung her hands together and dug down deep. "Tommy-"

"Jude." Tommy knew it was mostly the fear inside of him that made him cut her off. Whatever her reasons, he didn't want to hear them. There was nothing she could really do or say to make it hurt less. "You were right, Jude, when you left Toronto."

"No, I wasn't. I left for such stupid reasons and if I had only listened to you, I would have known that."

"So I take it you got everything you needed out of the rockstar life?"

"I got what I needed out of being on my own," Jude corrected. "I have no regrets or doubts about doing what I had to do"

"And you had all the crazy adventures you wanted?"

"That was the foolish part of my dream. I don't know why I thought that was something I needed to experience or what made me try so hard to be something I wasn't. Every second of living life on the edge as a rockstar felt wrong," Jude explained, shrugging her shoulders. "I tried really hard to ignore it at first. I talked myself into thinking if I just did what I set out to do, then all the regrets would go away, but they didn't. I was wrong."

"No, you weren't, Jude. Even if it wasn't what you thought it would be, it was still the right time to move on." Tommy forced himself to fight the urge to scream. He hated that they were doing this again. "Having you leave really let me see how our relationship looked to other people. Trust me when I say that your life is better off without me. No matter what happens, you're better off with me."

"Tommy-"

"And I'm doing just fine without you, Jude."

The words ripped her to the core and she felt all the air rush out of her as if she had been punched in the gut.. Yet somehow, the first question she could think of slipped off her tongue before she realized she didn't want to know the answer. "You're happy?"

Tommy didn't respond.

Figuring that was as close to a green light as she was going to get, Jude took a deep breath. "I don't care what you say. I know I was wrong, Tommy. We were both wrong. Things between us never went bad. If they had, I wouldn't be standing here and you wouldn't be standing there. People don't keep drifting back to each other like we do. They move on. They wake up one morning and realize that it's okay to be without, to turn over and not see your face on the pillow beside me. So that's how I know."

"Know what?"

"I love you, Quincy. I've never stopped and I never will. " Jude took a step towards the man she had been dancing in circles around since she was fifteen. "And though I'm scared to death right now, I'm asking you one more time to believe me. In Me. In Us. Again."

Tommy's mind immediately went back to the day he had used those same words. He had been so desperate in that moment with Jude locked in the abandoned studio space. He asked Jude to believe in him when he most needed it, and she had. She chose to have faith in him despite all her concerns about what he may have done to her sister. That was the first moment when he realized that he was falling in love with her. Not infatuation or admiration, but real love, the most painful kind.

Jude's hand came to a rest on his forearm, causing Tommy to jump a little. He hadn't heard her moving close to him.

"The anger I see inside you right now scares me. You've worked so hard to earn a life that you loved, and I don't want to be the one who ruins it for you. So you just tell me to leave. Tell me you need me to go away and leave you alone for good, and I'll do it. But if there's even a little bit of a chance…" Jude felt her voice catch in her throat. "I don't know what I'm doing right now. All I know is I read what you wrote to me in your album and I knew that the man who was brave enough to write that even after I told him I wanted nothing to do with him was someone I could love for the rest of my life. No matter what happens, I will love you."

Tommy had no idea how to respond to this. Both he and Jude had been guilty of holding back from each other since the very moment they met. Their whole relationship was based on repression. For years, it seemed like nothing could break through those defenses, but somehow she had done it. Here he was, lost in doubt and anger, and there she was, completely sure of how she felt about him and what she wanted and what she would be willing to do to get it.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked, moving her hand away from his arm.

"I don't know."

"Then don't think. It doesn't matter what's going to happen down the line. Just listen to whatever your heart is telling you right now, right this second."

Tommy stared at Jude almost in awe. He had always seen her as an incredibly strong woman. He knew what she was capable of, but this was even beyond her.

It was in that one moment of clarity that Tommy finally got the answer to the question he had been asking himself for so long.

"Will you come with me?" he asked, holding out his hand to her.

Jude hesitated a moment before nodding and sliding her hand into his. As Tommy led her through the front door and into his house, she forced herself to take it all in. It was exactly as she had expected it to be when Sadie had first told her about Tommy giving up his apartment for a real house. There was a rustic, rough kind of charm in every inch of the place. Everything was all wood and wear and organized chaos. It was exactly what his apartment downtown had never been. This was a home. This was Tommy Quincy finally putting down his roots and deciding what he wanted in life. Jude felt herself smiling despite the pit of fear in her stomach about what was going to happen.

Tommy led Jude up the stairs to his bedroom. He knew Jude despite all the changes she had made in herself. She was doing all she could to fight the urge to turn and run from whatever was about to happen. She had always hated the unexpected and was afraid of making the big mistake. Thankfully, he also knew that she was just stubborn enough to make herself stay.

"There's something you left behind when you chose to go to London. I gave most of your things to Sadie right after you left, but I couldn't bring myself to give her this. You asked me to do whatever my heart was telling me so I want you to have it. From the second I opened that door to see you, this was the only thing I knew for sure." He walked over to his dresser and, after a moment of shuffling, pulled something out of the top drawer.

Jude knew what it was the second he pressed it into her palm but she still couldn't believe it.

"I was going to give that to you the night of your last concert in Toronto," Tommy explained.

Her hands were trembling as she looked down at the ring. She felt her knees give out a little and sat down on the bed. "Tommy… I…"

Tommy sat down next to her. "I meant everything I said to you. The proposal wasn't something I had planned on doing, at least not at that exact moment, but I really meant it when I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I got you that ring the next morning so that I could prove to you just how serious I was. I was just waiting for the right time to give it to you."

Jude knew she shouldn't be surprised by how much this hurt. It would have been foolish to think that she could escape this moment without feeling the same things that Tommy was, but she hadn't expected this. She hadn't expected to feel the cold, hard proof of what she had given up sitting right there in her hand. She felt like she was finally realizing how close she had been to having the only thing she really wanted her whole life. She had been so close to happiness but was too blind to see it. Her hands were shaking as she held what could have been her engagement ring. "It's beautiful."

"It reminded me of you."

"Why didn't you return it?"

Tommy shrugged. "I don't know. I just couldn't."

Jude nodded. She could understand that. He had used up all of his strength in order to let her go. He didn't have enough left to give up on the idea of what could have been. Now it was her turn to find the strength to mourn what never was. This would be the last time she went through this pain and she could only hope that she would be able to move past it. This was it.

"Okay," Jude said, giving him a weak smile. She kept repeating that over and over in her head, telling herself it was okay, she was okay, what had happened was okay, when all she really wanted was to scream no. She wanted to scream that this is the worst mistake he had made. She wanted to scream how could you do this to me after I let myself risk my whole heart.

"Okay," she said again, leaning in to kiss him softly on the cheek. She went to stand up, but Tommy pulled her back down.

"I don't think you understand, Jude. Every fiber of my being since the moment I saw you on my doorstep has been telling me to get that ring and give it to you. Give it to you, not return it to you. I don't want you to say okay and walk out that door. I want you to look at me, tell me you love me like I love you, that you love me so much that it hurts. Tell me one more time that you don't care what happens as long as you have me in your life. Then I want you to put that ring on your finger and never take it off."

"Are you asking me to-"

"Marry me? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I'm doing, Jude."

"Are you crazy?" Jude blurted out.

"I don't know. You tell me," Tommy said as he let himself really smile for the first time. "You were right. We've both been living in fear that our relationship wouldn't last. We both were so scared that the other one would end it that we never stopped to really think about it. If we're both desperate to make this last, then why would it ever end? That's what we've been missing. I didn't realize it before. All I've been waiting for is to hear you tell me that you were wrong, that you wanted me in your life. Because as much as my pride has gotten me into trouble for most of my life, it refuses to stand in my way when it comes to one thing. You." He let out a laugh. "Listen. I'm going to keep asking until you say yes so you might as well save yourself the time and energy right now."

"That's incredibly romantic," Jude pointed out, rolling her eyes, but she let herself scoot a little closer to him on the bed.

Tommy pulled her over until she was straddling his lap and smiled. "What can I say? I'm good at these unexpected proposals."

"Good enough, it would seem," Jude agreed. She slipped the ring onto her finger. "It feels right."

Tommy lifted her hand up and kissed it lightly. "I love you."

"I'm glad," she replied, reaching out to pull him closer to her. She loved that she didn't feel rushed in the least. They had both finally realized they had all the time in the world.

Tommy's lips brushed the side of her neck, and Jude smiled. He had remembered the one spot that sent shivers down her spine. "Thank you for coming home."

Jude was about to show him how happy she was to be home with him when the doorbell rang, interrupting them. Tommy got to his feet with Jude still wrapped securely around him. Smiling, he gave her a quick kiss and set her down on the ground. "Come on. I'd be willing to bet everything that's Hailey. I think it's about time you met the other important lady in my life."

"I'd love to," Jude said, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into another kiss. This time it wasn't so easy for Tommy to pull away.

"You are going to be the end of me, Harrison."

"And you'll love every minute of it."

Tommy smiled and, grabbing her by the hand, pulled her out of the room. It was time to start introducing Jude to her new home.

**Please visit the homepage in my profile if you want to view the fanmix I made to represent Jude's fifth album that she finally wrote with a little help from Speed and a whole lot of inspiration from Tommy... **


End file.
